My husband is lying to me about his stimulant addiction

[Ebony2]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we are a blended family plus we have a baby together. 5 years ago he was heavily addicted to stimulants which almost broke me and our family. After an intervention he reluctantly went to rehab.

Since that time he’s had a few relapses. He’s never approached me about it, it’s always been a case of me suspecting and catching him out in some way. I’ve told him that the lying is the hardest part and that the trust would rebuild if he would just come to me.

Over the past 6 months I have seen the red flags again but I feel that he has wisened up and knows what I look for now. I also think he knows just how much to use.

Nevertheless I found stimulants in his jacket pocket 6 weeks ago and a pipe in his car last week. He has an answer for everything and claims that he has not used since his last supposed relapse 10 months ago. I don’t believe him at all. He says I’m paranoid and that my fears will ruin the marriage.

This is the first time he hasn’t owned up to it yet I just know. My anxiety is through the roof. I love him and just want a happy marriage based on trust but I feel so hurt that he is still lying to me and even worse gaslighting me.

Im scared to tell him how I’m feeling because I know he will explode again and flip this on me yet my feelings of connection with him are at an all time low. Please help.

[ecomama]

Hugs.

You can bet if you've thought of it, he's thought 10 steps ahead of you.

It's like being the "drug squad" without all the support.
And a "parent" to him when he's supposed to be a partner.

Sure I get that you may not feel ready to separate but there were other reasons I was providing the Free Women's Legal Contact.
Speaking with a Family Lawyer doesn't mean you HAVE to separate and divorce.

I was hoping you'd get some independent Legal advice for your situation because when children are involved, it can get very serious, very quickly.
It's not about saving him. He doesn't want the help.
It's not even about saving the marriage.
It's about protecting the children.

And saving yourself from him dragging you down this deep vortex.

Wishing you all well.
EMxxxx

[Rumnraisin]

I’m so sorry to hear your situation and I really feel your pain & frustration.

I’m in a similar situation I’ve been with my partner for 26 years the whole time he’s been an addict and I’ve been down exact same path you have for whole of this 26 years. Him Promising to quit, my threats to leave hi lm & always in detective mode.

I ask myself how can I still think there’s a glimmer of hope that this will come to an end, I guess we fool ourselves because easier to look forward to hope of change than the reality of that life of lies & distrust we live in.

I wish I had left him years ago when my kids were still young, they are now 14 & 16 & all I’ve taught them is that this behaviour and addiction is okay. Leaving him now seems even harder than ten years ago. He won’t leave me tho I wished he was just pack his shit and go. Leaving my kids just doesn’t seem an option they won’t leave their “poor” Dad alone as when I’ve tried in past he’s been suicidal and he spiraled out of control.

Just food for thought for you x

they put us in such difficult situations where you feel backed into a corner

[Ebony2]

I was in tears reading your post. You gave me a glimpse of what my life might be.. I don’t want this roller coaster of feeling like we are all good and then the suspicions start up again and I’m trawling through rubbish to prove that I’m not crazy.

we have a 2 year old child together who adores him and is at her happiest when we are happy together. My heart is breaking right now because my reality is sinking in....

[Rumnraisin]

Never think your crazy it is one of the things I’ve learnt is your gut is ALWAYS right. I used to do same I would go out of my way to prove myself right and that I wasn’t crazy & in end I would eventually get my answer and then what?

You have to do what is right for you.

I’m not here to say leave because that would mean I’m a hypocrite I’m just showing you the life of what could be if you choose to stay.

All I can say is I wish I left many many years ago, if he had any chance of changing it would have been from me leaving to get his family back & if he never stopped well then I would have avoided a life of pain for myself & my kids wouldn’t have grown up thinking drugs is normal 😞

Women like me, are just-enabling the user

[ecomama]

Dear Ebony and Rumnraisin and all others who find themselves in this hellish situation.

My heart really goes out to you all.

I've left 2 husbands because of their addictive and abusive behaviours.
One quite quickly - we had kids, no "shared property". I still loved him when I took the kids and left.
One after almost 20y "marriage". I can't even begin to explain the hell of that last crap.

Not for one nanosecond have I regretted my decisions to leave either.

Not a moment's regret.

When I did "miss" my previous H, I remembered all the disgusting things he relegated the kids and I to.
Over time, I felt nothing.
As predicted his next wife lived in hell.
She thought it was just "me" (lol), but it was ALL on him. Spent many nights in my kitchen lamenting ever meeting him etc. Yep.

Family Law and Child Protection Laws are a minefield.
So I won't tell you leaving is easy.

But I can say for myself, it is SO MUCH better being able to breathe fully now.
Plan OUR futures without hindrance of such unnecessary rubbish in our lives.
Agencies involved if we need them.
Space to recover.

If I had to go through ALL those years of Courts last ex dragged me through... I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat to protect me and the kids from that vile, insidious behaviour.

We have CCTV Victim's Services installed.

If they threaten suicide, you can call the Police for a Welfare check.
It's not your responsibility (harsh but true).

You can call 1800RESPECT anonymously 24/7/366.

The thing I WISH was available back after leaving previous H, was Courses, information and support services that are available now.
I learnt all about the behaviours of abusers since.

It's worth far more than gold learning about all that and putting up Boundaries for such to never ever ever happen again.

Love and huge hugs to you all.
I hear you.

Supporting you all, all the way.

Love and many many Blessings.
EM

[geoff]

Hello Kerry, I understand you want to give him until Friday, which is tomorrow, but an addict will only find out different ways of how to conceal it, that's not your fault though, by reason it's a good opportunity to think about giving it up or whatever he decides.

The trouble is whether two people can have a relationship with one person being addicted to drugs and/or alcohol because it affects you and all the other people close to you, in other words, the impact is enormous not only now but in the future because you can never be sure whether or not it won't continue, especially at a crisis point.

They are solely driven by not only a psychological but also a physiological need to continue using and it's their first priority, no different than a person addicted to alcohol, when can they sneak away in a supposedly honest way and refill, excuses galore are mentioned, that's how an addict thinks.

A relationship/marriage with an addict is impossible, simply because there are no inhibitions, and I don't mean someone who wants to drink in a recreational way, because that's legal, whereas drugs aren't.

The belief that if you show enough love towards him, then an addict will stop, maybe in certain circumstances this will happen, but the situation you are in, he desperately needs and may believe that he can stretch out another day or two from you, so his needs can continue.

I really hope the ultimation does have an influence, but please remember we are still here for you.

Geoff.

[MiraMira00]

Hi Ebony, I know it’s been a while but I’d love to know how you and your husband got on from this? x