My husband is depressed and pushing me away

[Lily7845]

I’m confused and need advice. My husband of 11 years with two children, for the past 18 months has been pushing me away. I believe he is depressed. I have tried to ask him to get help but he says his fine. He doesn’t sleep, drinks a lot, won’t sit still - always on his phone or computer, pushed away me and our children, all his close friends and his family and has started going out until all hours with a group of younger single people (one of which is a female I believe has a crush on him)

I feel very alone as I feel I’m raising our children alone. It all started about 2 years ago when he was knocked back for his dream job and took another job with a man who is an awful human (in my option.) He over works him and under pays him. My husband constantly complains about him and hates him. My husband was always a goofy happy guy but lately he’s angry and aggressive and rants and just doesn’t seem like himself.

i got to the end of what I could take and told him we needed to take sometime apart and asked him to stay with his parents for a while. He then came back a few days later and said he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if he ever did. He first said it in a text message and I said that he had to come and tell me to my face if he wanted to end a marriage. He opened up to his mum and she told me that he has admitted that he thinks he might be depressed.. he also told his mum that he has so much fun with this other chick (swears it’s just a friendship and nothing has happened but can see that something could).

After a 2 hour conversation which started with “I don’t love u” and ended with “I don’t know what I want.” I said I would give him space and could look at separation if this is really want he wants.. in this convo I told him that this is not him. he is someone who fights and wouldn’t walk away. He’s applying for a job which requires him to move towns. I Asked when will he see our children? He left upset but a few days later he asked if he could stay at our house but in another room and we have started to hang out a bit and it seem like we’re mending. He talks bout this new job and talks about how “he could salary sacrifice our house” and things like that which seem to include me.

He is still hanging out with this other girl but also with me.. I don’t want to put my foot down about it because I feel he will run but I’m terrified that she is becoming a bigger thorn in our marriage and will make it hard to heal. I don’t even know if that’s what he wants.

[Billyc]

Hi

Im not sure that I can offer any advice to you, you would be the best judge of how things are between you and your husband.

I can say that it sounds like a very difficult situation that your going through, and I’m sorry it’s happening.

11 years and children is a well established family relationship and by all accounts you are experiencing a low in your marriage. That has to be hard on you. I’ve messed up twice now in my two relationships.. so I’m probably not the best to advise you.

If your worried about this other woman than may I suggest you ask him about it. Hopefully it becomes an honest conversation, one way or another.

im sorry I can’t offer advice but please know that your not alone, there’s an abundance of support here, so I encourage you to stay a while And see how this place can help you.

Has your husband sat with a GP? It’s a good starting point for people experiencing depression

Stay in touch and let us know how your getting on

[Lily7845]

Just to add because I ran out of room.

Since our chat he’s been more affectionate. When walks past me he will touch my arm. We’ve been watching movies together, texting and chatting more, The other morning after he stayed the night he climbed into bed and snuggle up to me.. he’s chatting more but we still have discussed things. I don’t want to push him into giving me answers I don’t think he even has but I feel in limbo. He talks about the future with “we’s, and us’”.

His mum and I have a very good relationship and she said she is talking to him about the norms of up and downs in a marriage and she believes he’s coming back.. I guess I’m just feeling nervous about this other women.

I have asked him, his mum has, even mutual friends and he always says the same thing.. “she’s just a really good friend that is easy to talk to.” I do believe that this is true, my concern is she’s just hanging around at a time where he is vulnerable.. and she gets to be the fun and I have to be the responsibility in his life.

I am trying to give him space but she is not.. how much space do I give, what if I give him too much space and she swoops in.. I feel like his opening up again and coming back so I don’t want my anxiety and concern about this chick to make him shut down again.. or worse just drive them together.. I can’t say anything to her without it looking like I’m in the wrong

I am trying to get out of my head but I’m just so confused.

[Billyc]

Hi,

Im glad your getting some positive signs with your relationship.

and it’s great to hear you have a good support network around you.

i worry a lot, and sadly for us all there’s no “off” button.

something that has helped me in the past is marriage counciling, if he and you are willing it would help to sit with. Someone and talk about the things that worry you face to face.

I know a lot of people that do it together and they say there’s nothing wrong with their relationship, it just helps to clear the “cupboard” of cobwebs

keep well