My heterosexual fiancé is bisexual and has been cheating on me

[merrymagicmoon]

I just found out that my heterosexual fiancé is actually bisexual.

More importantly, I also discovered that he has been cheating on me with other men online by chatting with hordes of strangers, even before we met. He has been exchanging NSFW pictures with other men online and engaging in online sexual talk, even after we began dating. As of yesterday, he was still talking to these men

We both have LGBTQI friends that we love and care for dearly. But in the 3 years we’ve known each other, he has always asserted he’s heterosexual and we were planning to get married 20 months later.

We had a calm and tearful chat about this when I found out. He finally admitted that for his whole life, he has always felt that he’s bisexual. He also claims that he has only been physically intimate with one man before but this happened during the course of our relationship when he was away on vacation. We were arguing and he hired a male escort. He claimed that he didn’t enjoy the sexual experience at all.

He has been sorrowful, kept apologising and insists that his love for me is genuine. He says he doesn’t expect me to forgive him but he really wishes I could still give him a chance.

He also acknowledges that he didn’t realise this before but he now realises that his attitude has been selfish and his actions hurtful. He also feels that he has been addicted to the online interactions because of the thrill it brings, and he didn’t realise that it was cheating on me. He has agreed with me that he needs to speak to a therapist about his issues.

At this stage, I feel so lost. I don’t know whether to call off our engagement. I’m still in disbelief because we have a happy and strong relationship, and he is a sweet and wonderful person.

To further exacerbate the problem, I’ve also moved away from my home country and settled down in Australia where he is from.

I don’t know if I can still trust him after all this deceit even though he kept saying over and over that he truly loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He was intending to keep up this charade even after we marry.

As this is all still so raw, I’m feeling lost.

[Guest_1643]

I totally appreciate what you're saying and good on him for that work

I just feel that while getting help to understand his sexuality and maybe attachment concerns is totally ffine,

infidelity is not really a "issue" as such like a mental or physical illness so I do think it's ok to be angry and upset and handle infidelity different to lets say confusion about sexuality.

[Betternow]

Is it possible for people to change?

YES. It is possible for people to overcome their character flaws and build fulfilling and rich lives. But it’s not easy or quick and success is far from guaranteed.

In your fiancés case, it is important you understand the difference between his sexual preference confusion and his poor attitude towards people he proclaims to love.

If you stay and support him, you need to be aware that it is highly likely you will never enjoy the type of relationship you envisaged when you met. The people who are giving you advice in this forum have experienced their own pain and have read and listened widely in order to gain insight into human behaviour, both positive and negative.

Love cannot fix a flaw. Professional therapy with a willing and cooperative subject can help a wayward person learn good habits and skills to minimise their destructive behaviour.

It you decide to stand by him, you need to go into this with eyes wide open and be prepared for many bumps in the road.

I wish you well.

[Guest_1643]

take care of you MMM

remember that whatever happens in this relationship you will need to have a safe and healthy space for yourself to heal from what happened. If you need to disentangle a bit from him to get that, even if it feels mean, or that you're not supportive of him in his moment of need, remember that you need to save yourself first. you seem so very intelligent and aware. I have a lot of admiration for you - i hope you find a way to feel okay after all you've been through. you so so deserve it. x sleepy