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My father

jazzy_aroha
Community Member

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me.

since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to be nice to them, he’s says it’s cause I remind him of him, but that’s no excuse?

Nothing I ever did was good enough, every conversation I’ve ever had with him ends in a fight, he’s always finding something wrong with me, and says I’m doing stuff wrong cause it’s not his way. he thinks just cause he’s my father he knows more than me and that he’s always right and I’m just stupid. what ticks me off is he never apologises to me, has never said sorry to me for his mistreatment and wrong doings

I was terrified of him as a kid, he was horrible and he’s had the cops called on him a few times for a restraining order. I’ve always just wanted my mum to divorce him so life can be peaceful. My parents have fought my entire life. Whenever he had a problem with me, mum would defend me, then they would argue (scream the house down, swear and slam doors), he’d leave the house for a while before mum gave in and blames me for causing the fight, this cycle just continues

Whenever he’s around, hes aggressive so I’d do as he says, even when I refuse he screams saying you will do what I say, right now

i physically shake and my heart races whenever he’s talks to me. It gives me so much anxiety I cry every time, I can’t help it and then I’m yelled at for crying. He lectures me for hours at night to tell me I’m stupid, selfish and that he’s right about whatever

im so sick of it, I don’t want him in my life, every time I try let it go, and think maybe he’s changed his ways, my heart just gets torn to pieces as the anger and horrible words all come back to me when we talk

Mum thinks I’m causing all the problems between the family but every time I try to tell how and why I feel that way towards him, she never listens and makes excuses for him, she’s never on my side and says I’m selfish for not liking him/wanting to spend time with him. Today after another fight, she says I caused ill be the one leaving the house this time, not him.
I have no one else to talk to who would listen and it really hurts. I have no happy memories with him, only ones that I’d always end up in tears. my happiest times are when he wasn’t around. He makes my life miserable. I’m done trying to forgive him. I hate him. Is is so wrong to want him out of my life?

6 Replies 6

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Jazzy_aroha, a warm welcome and thank you for opening up to us in this very difficult situation.

I could only imagine how intense this could become once he had been drinking and although I'm not a doctor, it would be classified as emotional abuse and as much as your mother wants to support you, she too is also frightened of what he may do, that's the reason she goes along with him, even to the point of saying you'll be leaving the house.

She may be doing this for your own protection and that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love you but is scared of what may happen to you, irrespective of this it must make you feel very uncomfortable and entitled to not want to see him again.

I wonder whether this is possible and whether you are allowed to see your mother.

There are other questions to ask but will wait until we can hear back from you.

Geoff.

hi thanks for replying and for the advice. If that’s really why mum says those things then I guess I can try to understand a little but still all her comments make me feel horrible. I honestly try to avoid going near either of them, I just don’t want to fight anymore. feel free to ask any other questions

The_Bro
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there Jazzy_aroha and thanks for your heartfelt posts.

I am not at all qualified to give you and any advice, but can relate to you my wife's past situation.

When she was very young through to late teens, her father treated her extremely badly, similarly to yours. She had two brothers who didn't help at all, nor did her mother. It was both physical and mental abuse.

She left home at age 18 and thanks to her amazing personal resilience, she build a successful career. We met when she was in her late 30's, had her own house, and had travelled widely. We talked a lot about how her father treated her, which became a form of therapy I think.

The best thing of all is that her father, seeing her success, changed completely and became almost respectful to her. Now it's her brothers who also call her for life advice!

So all I can suggest is to keep your self belief, do things that you want to do, try to keep your own life on track, and hope that your father grows out of that behaviour pattern towards you.

Of course it will be very difficult initially but I do trust that good things will come your way.

All the very best

The Bro

Petal22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi jazzy aroha,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im really sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand that it must feel so difficult for you.

Your Dads behaviour is a reflection of himself it’s not you.

I understand that what he does to you would be very hard to deal with.

Do you have any other family members that you can talk to?

We are here to support you.

I don’t really have anyone else to talk to, cause whenever I tried to express my feelings to someone my mum would just get angry at me and threaten me to shut up and say it’s not true and that I’m just making problems…as she doesn’t want anyone to think anything slightly bad about my father…

I really do appreciate everyones support here though, thank you

Hello Jazzy_aroha, what I said is because your father would be asking her what she had to say to you and in fear of any backlash from him, she would tell him what he wanted to hear, whether or not she meant what she said, it was only to prevent the same happening to her, so maybe she's caught up in his antics.

The same would happen if she knew you were telling someone else because your father would keep asking her what happened.

I can't tell you what to do but is it possible you can move away, this depends on the circumstances you are currently doing and if you'd like to let us know please get back t us.

Geoff.