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My depression is ruining my relationship

Community Member

Hi all,

I am new here and in all honesty I'm quite new to having depression. I've always had ups and downs and felt things very deeply.. but after a combination of events over the last few years (an affair by my parent with a close family friend and a toxic relationship with someone who constantly picked out my flaws) I have found myself in a very dark place and I can't seem to get out. I have seen a psychologist but I don't think she is right for me. I am going to book in this week to get a new referral. The worst thing is the way this is affecting my boyfriend, he is so kind and understanding and patient. This should be a happy time for us, we are both in our late 20's and living together. I have just come to the realisation that I have been treating him very poorly. I don't love myself, I look at myself and I hate who I am both physically and mentally. I believe no one likes me. Because I don't love myself some days I feel that I don't have the strength to love anyone else. I have no energy to do anything. I have been nasty, I criticise him constantly when all he does is support me. This weekend he finally cracked, he told me I am not nice to him and I don't make him feel good anymore. I am devastated that I have been treating him this way. I guess I have known that I have been doing this. The only way I can explain is it's like I have 2 brains- 1 is hateful and says mean things and is stressed all the time about stupid things and the other is trying to stay calm and tell the other that it's being awful. I don't know if this makes sense? I guess my question is, can depression make you a mean horrible person who can't feel love some days- or is this just who I am? Any advice would be so appreciated. I don't want to lose him and I wouldn't blame him for walking away right now.

5 Replies 5

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Allyjane, the answer to your question is yes, depression changes anyone on how they feel, especially disliking yourself and making unforeseen comments back to the person you love, you may not do this intentionally it's your depression doing this.
It would be devastating to know that your parent had an affair with someone you knew, so this could be the beginning of your depression, plus the fact that another person has picked on your idiosyncrasies so this is why you doubt whether or not you love yourself.
Can I suggest that you book an appointment with your doctor and ask if your b/friend would like to go with you, because an explanation coming from the doctor will help him understand what depression is, and secondly click onto 'Get Support' and then click onto 'Publications to Download' or ask BB to send this booklet out to you.
Both of you can read it, together or separately and while you're with the doctor ask them for a referral to see a psychologist on a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 free visits, sometimes you may have to pay a slight fee, but this depends on how much they charge.
One thing you have to make sure of is that you and the psych have connection, otherwise it will be difficult for you to open up. Geoff.

Community Member

Hey there

I like everything Geoff has advised!

I just wanted to add, that, you've got insight. And once you've got that, you're half way there.

Many people in depression can't see or acknowledge how their actions may be affecting relationships with others. But you can, so there's always a way forward.

Part of being in a relationship is recognising that life isn't always going to be easy, there's going to be ups and downs. And making a commitment to your partner involves acknowledging that is the case and you'll support each other through it.

Depression is an illness like any other, that needs support and understanding. If your partner were to be diagnosed with cancer, and need surgeries, chemotherapy for a year or longer, would you turn your back on him, because you're in your 20s and should be having fun? If you were in a series car accident and need rehabilitation to walk again, would your partner support you or walk away?

These examples may seem drastic, but physical or mental, and regardless of our age, life throws curve balls all the time, and the strongest relationships will survive them. If anything, this may be a test!

I think admitting that you've been rough to your partner is the first step and apologising for it will go a long way.

Letting your partner know that you're going to do something proactively about it, should give him reassurance that this too will pass. It's a phase that you'll both get through.

Speak with the GP and get a plan in place and then communicate this plan to him. Keep him involved in the process.

BB has great resources as doea the black dog institute. Get him to take a look at these, to get a little understanding of some practical ways he can support you.

Bottom line is, you aren't going to lose him because you're unwell, and if he were to walk away then he wasn't worth it anyway. You deserve better!

Best wishes x

Community Member

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your reply. I have booked an appointment this evening with the GP and have downloaded the BB flyer you suggested. I am glad to hear that it could be the depression causing me to be this horrible person. I will take your advice and see how I go. Thanks again for taking the time to respond to me it is much appreciated.

Thank you so much for your reply, you and the other person who replied have already helped so much by encouraging me to take the first steps to getting better. I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply

hi Allyjane, please keep us informed on how you are going, at any time you want to. Geoff.