My boyfriend is a self-aware sex addict

[Tenale]

Hi,

My boyfriend and I are in our late 20's and have been together 2 yrs. We genuinely have had the best relationship- he is the kindest and most generous person I have met- and we were planning to move in together.

2 months ago he suggested I use his computer for my study as it's a bigger screen than my laptop and he told me his password and told me to login. Immediately a window opens on Omegle where he was having a sexy conversation with a random stranger, with some graphic words exchanged. I was in absolute shock as we have a normal sex life, communicate all the time about what we like in bed, what we'd like to try, and he knows I think him watching porn when I'm away is fine. He was absolutely distraught, said it never felt like cheating and was disgusted too- that this was a bad teenage habit of his and as he's been suffering mentally lately with low self esteem and hating his job, that in that instant he reverted back to this teenage habit to seek safety and comfort in those words. I forgave him as he promised this was the only time in our relationship he had done this, and showed genuine commitment to changing- quit his job, and started seeing a therapist of his own accord.

Now, 2 months later our plans to move in are well under way and he's now communicating and talking to me about his mental state, as before I had no idea he was suffering. Just the other day we were discussing a staycation we went on 1 year ago, and he suggested that I look through his camera roll as he said he took so many photos because it was amazing. He willingly tells me his password and I'm scrolling through the photos, when suddenly the next image I scroll onto is a screenshot of a snapchat conversation with a girl- where they were sexting and exchanging nude photos with each other! My heart broke all over again, and when I asked him what this was he said he had actually been sexing random girls throughout our whole relationship- it wasn't just a one time thing and was with more than just words. He admitted he had been speaking to his therapist about sexting girls about 20 times over the last 2 years, and believes himself to be a sex addict. I feel so hurt, as I wanted to stick by his side and support him through this- but I can't get over him looking into my eyes 2 months ago when I felt so broken and at my lowest, and was still able lie to me about the extent of this. Will this only get worse with pregnancy/kids/life?

[Croix]

Dear Tenale~

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, particularly as it is with someone you have said has so many good qualities.

I guess you hit on the right word with addict. Addictions are never easy to stop and often breed lies and deceit. And of course he has lied to you minimizing what has been happening. Naturally you may wonder if he can lie to you about that maybe he can lie about other things too -a very upsetting thing.

To be fair he has not tried hard to hide it all from you, giving you access to his computer and camera roll and has said he has been speaking to a therapist. Many people would never disclose anything.

Any addiction is a response to something, it has some sort of reward built in and can be reinforced by habit, which if he has been doing this for 10+ years is very likely. He says himself it gives feelings of safety and comfort. To deal wiht it I would think the basic reason why he resorts to this behaviour needs to be examined by a skilled therapist that specializes in the causes of addictions as well as trying to reduce the  behavior itself.

Many addictions cannot simply be stopped by the person themselves on their own and outside assistance is realy needed.

Do you wish to stay wiht him? If so I'd suggest going with him to see his therapist and get a thorough grounding in the facts, then make a judgment as to what you want to do long term.

It may be a case of breaking off, or maybe a case of living with the problem and trying to encourage truthfulness and relying upon therapy for the long term (which unfortunately does not come with guarantees).

Please let us know how you get on

Croix