My 14yr old daughter has gone wild

Tinalea20 · ‎04-08-2016

I need advice. She goes out and tells me she will be home before dark, but comes home when ever. I get mad and remind her she is 14. She yells and tells me she missed the bus. ( all the time). I ground her. She is boy mad. I didn't bring her up like that. She comes home with love bites on her neck. I tell her they make her look cheap. She asks if a MATE can come over to hang out. She tells me he is 16 but later find out he is 19. We have a fight. She uses colourful words. Goes right off. And now refuses to go to school. That's just a little insight to what's going on in my life.

Kathryne · ‎04-08-2016

Hi Tina lea

Welcome to Beyond Blue ,

My first concern if you're daughter is "boy mad" have you discussed / supplied birth control. It is not about condoning her actions , but however protection from an unwanted pregnancy and all the associated issues that brings.

Has anything happened at school which may be the reason for not attending school?

Maybe she felt that you would not allow the 19 year old male to hang out but felt 16 you would say yes.

It's hard your daughter is testing her independence and boundaries. Is it possible to see a school counselor?

She is probably utilizing colorful words to annoy you or at least to provoke a fight.

It's hard whilst your daughter is going to behave in this way, however try to keep the lines of communication open even if they are not perfect it might allow her to realize that you have her best interest at heart

Regards Kathryne

Tinalea20 · ‎04-08-2016

Hi. Yes i have had the talk with her about sex. And i believe she hasnt done the deed. My main concern is what does a 19yr old MAN. see in a 14yr old child

Zeal · ‎04-08-2016

Hi Tinalea,

I'm sorry to hear of these concerns about your young teen's behaviour. I can understand why you'd be worried. I myself was a teen daughter four years ago. However, I was very shy, lacked self-confidence and took longer than most to do "teenage things". For instance, my first date was at 19, and my first boyfriend at 21. I don't drink alcohol at all, and never have (except one gross-tasting standard drink)! My younger sister tried things before me, both age and time-wise. She started drinking alcohol at about 15, and she was into guys in her younger teens. She didn't really rebel though.

Rebelling is unfortunately common among teens. It's a confusing time. Your daughter may be frustrated and acting out for a reason, though. Perhaps she's struggling at school, has poor self-esteem, or is influenced by older peers? It's a good idea to avoid direct criticism with your daughter. This is hard, and is a reason many teens and their parents get into arguments. Telling your daughter that her love bites looked cheap is likely to make her defensive and frustrated, unfortunately. If she is seeking negative attention, this could just escalate the conflictive situation between you two.

In terms of how to address this rebellious behaviour, try having a calm talk (or try again). Pick a time when you are both calm (well, when your daughter at least isn't in a bad mood) and both aren't stressed or busy. You could start by telling your daughter that you want her to enjoy life and feel comfortable bringing friends back to the house, and that you'd like the two of you to work more as a team. Emphasise that you feel worried when she stays out late at night. It is important to you that she stays safe and well, so tell her this. Say that as a parent you feel unable to ensure her safety and wellbeing, which makes you a bit scared and sad.

Having a conversation similar to what I've jotted down above means you are not accusing or blaming your daughter, but explaining how her actions are causing you concern and fear for her safety. It's harder for someone to argue or oppose the way someone feels. The conversation is not guaranteed to go smoothly, but there will be less scope for conflict and anger.

Missing school is concerning. Perhaps ring the school (make sure your daughter doesn't overhear) to talk about your concerns regarding your daughter's attendance and wellbeing.

It would be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

SM

Mari70 · ‎12-08-2016

A 19 year old is a legal adult. It's illegal for 19 year old men to have relations with 14 year old girls. Perhaps speak to his parents or report him to the appropriate authorities, for your daughter's sake and for his own.

Zeal · ‎12-08-2016

Hi Mari,

You are right in saying that it is illegal for an adult to have sexual relations with a minor, but Tinalea doesn't think her daughter has had these relations with him. Having a calm talk to his parents if possible is an option, but reporting him to the authorities doesn't sound necessary in this situation.

Best wishes,

SM

Mari70 · ‎16-08-2016

For what reason would a 19 year old man be hanging around with a 14 year old girl though? It could just be a matter of time. Sexual abuse and assault are devastating to girls. It can ruin their health and their lives, it can cause pregnancy and lead them down a path of social and economic disadvantage. Someone needs to tell this man to back off or they'll call the police. At least they can give him a warning. It would be for his own good too.

Zeal · ‎16-08-2016

I can see your point Mari. The age difference is concerning, especially as Tinalea's daughter is only in her early teens. Tinalea could talk to this man first, before taking further action.

Tinalea20 · ‎11-10-2016

Hi to all. I'm back for more advice.

my daughter turned 15 and she is getting worse. She is sexually active but I'm not happy about this but she is using condoms thank goodness

i can go out and leave her in the house as she has her mates over and they trash my house and steal things I have told her not to have ppl in the house but will not listen when I find out she lies about it. I ground her for her actions but she rebels worse she has now refused to go to school. I have told her when I go away for the weekend she is to find somewhere else to stay but I feel I'm rewarding her by allowing her to go out. Any advice plz

hayleynew · ‎15-10-2016

Tina,

You certainly are in a pickle. Would I be right in suggesting you feel as if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You allow her the freedom and seemingly benefit of a doubt like she feels she needs but she still rebels against whatever discipline or advantage she is given.

I don't have a 14 year old but I do remember being a 14 year old that rebelled. So a few personal questions: Do you have evidence to support she's using condoms or is it just what she is saying? Take her to a Sexual Health clinic and get her tested all the same. I know it sounds harsh but many girls say they are using condoms to ward off any suspecting parents. I know this because I was one and evidently almost got myself into trouble. I would hate for you or your daughter to land yourself in the same situation. It is better if she is protected and even better if she is doubly protected so if she is using condoms like she says she is then she should be compliant.

I agree with everyone here; if they are having sex then it is statutory rape. She isn't of legal age to consent to having sexual intercourse so already what he is doing is illegal. Personally, any 19 year old male that can't get a girlfriend that is his own age is out to prowl on young innocent girls that don't have a clue what they may be getting themselves into.

It's a rough road. Set boundaries (but also know that they may be broken) and discipline her if she does. Give her a cold dose of reality by taking her to police station. I really hope this helps and hope that the situation improves for the both of you.