Moving on after six years

[ganey]

I (29F) got married not because I was in love but thinking he is a good man and will take care of me and respect my family as his own. Before my husband i was in a relationship with my ex for six years. it was a serious relationship but my parents especially my dad was so against it i had to end it. When i approached my dad saying that i loved that man he got so angry and said "if i see this man i am gonna punch him so hard". These were the exact words that came of of his mouth. i was heartbroken, i could never share this to my ex. As much as i loved my ex I just felt i had to end the relationship because my family was my first priority. i just stopped thinking about every thing. my future, my career just to escape the feeling of heart break. it was as if i was just living , life will take me wherever it wants. it was around the same time when I was approached by my now husband and only a a week later we started seeing each other. For the first few months i used to think "i dont know this person (my husband)" why am i with him. He was a gentleman he respected me and my family, my dad liked him so we shortly got married after 6 months of seeing each other.

My husband used to be very possesive back then. i disconnected with all my male friends after marriage. we did fight and everytime i showed how angry i was with how things were, he would be even angrier. and once he got angry he would go mad. he is still the same till this day. i feel like i have suppressed my feelings and myself in a way that does not make him angry. i am six years younger than him and i have things that i want to do but just have to keep it to myself because he thinks its childish. I love going to hiking and swimming, but i haven't done so in these six years because he doesn't want to or he has not interest in it. I used to be very socially active and had many friends but now i dont have any. I used to be so independent before, i worked two jobs, made decisions on my own but now I have become to indecisive and lost my confidence. I just want to be free like before.

Recently i got the news my ex got married. I am very happy for him honestly. he found new love and moved on, not like me who ran away. my ex getting married was liberating for me. the feeling of guilt got away from me. suddenly my brain started thinking again, its thinking what my life would be if i was with my ex and its making me crazy. I feel so bad towards my husband and angry of how I have ended up becoming after marriage.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I understand. There's a lot to unpack on your post, on your life that I'll try to tackle each topic briefly and you can ask for more clarity if you want to repost.

I dont see much advantage in talking or thinking too much about your ex, dwelling isnt productive, however your father is an example of interference in a relationship you had, and it sounds like he had a vendetta for some reason with your ex. You said "Family comes first"... I'm not so sure, you come first! and your father should respect your decision, after all he had the freedom to make his decision when he married your mother.

I made the mistake of marrying a girl after 8 months, little did I realise her narcissistic ways until some months after we married. It lasted 11 years- 10 years too long!. What you are now experiencing is verbal abuse/domination that isnt aligned with societal values. Can a man love a partner that doesnt want her to participate in her interests? and why did you feel the need to disconnect with all your male friends? 

Could it be that you have sub consciously sort a man as your husband that resembled your dad? It happens but more importantly now is your happiness.  So my suggestion is to seek out couples counselling. This sounds drastic- it is, because your sadness is serious. If your husband doesnt want to attend with you then go alone and dont disclose the details if he asks, he can attend next meeting. Simply tell him you are going to counselling as you are not happy. 

I feel very sorry for you. As a husband I encourage my lovely wife to join groups and in a new town 5 years ago she was reluctant as she is the quiet type but now she is in a band that meets weekly, does xmas carols and also a volunteer at a community centre one day a week. She has blossomed into a happy social person with friends around her.

Your indecision and lack of confidence is because you have lost the freedom of self control but you've arrived at a point in your life that you realise your interests and hobbies and friendships are important.

I used to fly model airplanes, collect matchbox cars, my wife does colouring in books every night as we watch TV are all these interests "childish"? So I dont relate to your husband on this.

I suggest you seek out relationship counselling, your GP or local council will have details. If you husband wont attend then I suggest you go alone and not disclose details - if he wants to know he can attend. This could be life changing for you and your happiness is crucial to your future. Being dominated isnt freedom.

"Women today are being successful in becoming independent and successful people in their own right but sadly it will take a few more generations before the old ways of male ownership of women is a distant memory..."

Take care, Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi ganey

When I read your post, I could not help but feel like wanting to give you the biggest hug while telling you how deeply I feel for you. To gradually move away from who we naturally are, bit by painful bit, can be such a heartbreaking and sometimes deeply depressing experience.

It sounds like you're a naturally social person, a hiker, a swimmer and a deeply feeling person. Out of these, one thing remains. You are still a deeply feeling person and no one can take that away from you. As Tony points to, it's so important to have a partner who also feels for us and that which we need in order to raise ourself and feel raised. To have a partner that deprives us of soulful experiences and discourages us from raising ourself, is to have a partner who serves themself.

From my own experience, I think we can tolerate, tolerate and tolerate more and more over time, in a marriage, until we can no longer tolerate what we can feel stripping us of who we naturally are. Then there comes a time where we can think 'I can no longer and will no longer tolerate this'. While intolerance can be frowned upon, I've found it's an emotion or a feeling that can be of great service at times. Feel it deeply enough and constructively and it becomes a driving force toward much needed change. While you can no longer tolerate losing parts of who you naturally are, do you know what the first thing you'd like to regain is? If given a choice, how would you choose to re-member yourself, put yourself back together? Is there and old female friend, for a start, who you'd like to reconnect with?