Mother in law issues damaging marriage

[Bella-81]

How do I deal with my mother in law who is highly anxious, incapable of communication and only seems to have issues with me since having our child 19 months ago! I feel like I'm competing with her for my husbands attention!! I'm not sure if my husband is enjoying all this attention from his mother since it was lacking when he was younger??  

[Bella-81]

Thanks you both for your advice I finally bit the bullet I requested that my husband stand up to his mother and take counselling seriously or I want him to leave the house. After a few homes truths he left angry and surprise staying with his parents! We have not contacted each other for two days and I am riddled in anxiety but I know it's the best decision to make. It hurts me that he can not get past his anger to text me and ask about our daughter it pains that he is not on my doorstep begging for us back but the balls in his caught I'm letting him go.....we have been married for 5 years I'm only 30 years old I refuse to let so much time pass by what is left is a shell of a person I hear far too many stories of women's that stay far too long. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm at peace with my decision though if he can't prove he can fight for this family he is not worth hanging on too! I need a man not a boy who is in denial about his maturity he needs this break to reflect on himself and ask have I done all I can to save this marriage? His answer in my eyes would be no but I can't answer for him. I hAve tried but can't do it alone. I appreciate the support I have a very supportive family but sometimes support from strangers can be helpful 💜 I am going to counselling, acupuncture and meditating to get me through this extremely anxious and scary time. Let's hope he sees the light of not its time for me to start my new life without him x

[pipsy]

Hi Bella_81.   I'm sorry, but not too surprised about what's happened.  Staying with his m/d could be difficult for him, but, as you say, he has to realize where his loyalties lie.  You have bent over backwards, taken a lot of rubbish from his parents, without his support.  I think the counselling is a great step for you, if he decides to go, that would be fantastic, but I'm not holding my breath on that.  I know how scary it is for you, but remaining in a toxic relationship is more unhealthy.  If he wants to see his daughter, I would make sure he does not allow his parents too much time with her.  I realize that's overstepping the mark from me, but I've seen a lot of damage done to kids visiting g'parents of the non-custodial parent.  Try now to get past the anger, hurt, and betrayal you're no doubt feeling, with counselling that will happen too.  His m/d obviously have an incredible emotional hold over him if he hasn't even enquired about his daughter.  As you say, the ball's in his court now.  If he wants to see you or child, it's alone or no deal.  You have a good support team, plus BB is here anytime.  Take things carefully, one step at a time. 

Best wishes for you and child.

[Ariel_84]

Bella, I really feel for you. I have had MIL issues for a very long time. Problems became alot worse when I fell pregnant with my first child and she hasn't stopped causing problems only becoming worse. During my second pregnancy MIL manipulated husband against me & turned my husband against my family while I was in & out of hospital with hyperemesis.  She tried to take over my family & started manipulating my 4 year old to listen to her & not mummy because mummy is wrong. She also told my daughter who suffers from anaphylaxis to eat nuts which could kill her. My husband made excuses for his mother. MIL has done alot of bad things to me & to my daughter who is traumatised & seeing a psychologist. My biggest suggestion is to speak with husband & keep a record of what mother in law is doing. If you do say something to MIL say it infront of husband or have a witness. My MIL would manipulate my words & lie & cause even more problems for me & our marriage. My MIL has "ended my marriage" many times. I always thought FIL would stand up & say something but turned a blind eye. My daughters psychologist told me FIL & husband see MIL with rose coloured glasses & dont see what outsiders see because they have lived with her their whole life & think her behaviour is normal. You need to go with your instinct but also be smart.  I forgave MIL many times she has now pushed me to my limit. Good luck Bella! Go with your instincts.. protect yourself & protect your baby.. 

[pipsy]

Dear Ariel 84.  While I totally agree with you re: 'fronting' MIL in front of witnesses or keeping records of conversation.  I know from my own experience that would back fire.  I tried that with my MIL, she would say the most dreadful things to me behind everyone's back.  I would try to explain what happened to my ex, he took his mum's side every time.  Even going so far as to tell me I was as bad as her.  My MIL even told her neighbours I had a kidney infection, I had no idea that she had told them this.  We were having lunch one day in a local football club.  My in-laws neighbours came in unexpectedly and joined us.  My ex went with his mother to get something to eat.  This neighbour asked me if I was the DIL who had the kidney infection.  I asked her what she was talking about.  She replied my MIL had told her I had a kidney infection.  I told my ex, he said he understood I had one too.  Where they got this from was because there's times when I frequently have to urinate.  My MIL decided I must have an infection, my ex went along with her because he believed her.  I even asked my Dr to look at my medical history to see if I had ever been treated for any infection.  The answer, 'no', when I told my ex, he informed me his mother was only trying to explain my frequency to urinate.  What the Hell this has to do with anyone, least of all HER I will never understand.  My ex and all the family defend her to the hilt, no matter what she says or does.  Trying to defend yourself to MIL's can be 'mission impossible'.  My best advise is keep your distance.  When it comes to your children, make sure MIL knows her boundaries.  If she crosses them, she has to know, with or without your hubby's support.  Luckily my parents are both deceased, so I don't have MIL telling stories there.  My mother would've just ignored her anyway.