Mother in law issues damaging marriage
How do I deal with my mother in law who is highly anxious, incapable of communication and only seems to have issues with me since having our child 19 months ago! I feel like I'm competing with her for my husbands attention!! I'm not sure if my husband is enjoying all this attention from his mother since it was lacking when he was younger??
It is difficult to communicate with people who have anxiety and communications problems in the first place isn't it! Is it possible to gather up some of the family and have an open chat with your mother in law and ask her what the problem is.
I am certainly no expert, but I am wondering if somehow she may be jealous or finding it difficult to be around the baby.
She may be holding on to issues she had as a Mum. She may be wishing she had a different relationship with her own children when they were young. Who knows what hurts and pain another person is holding on to.
I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but it does seem that something has triggered this reaction in her since the baby arrived.
Keep telling your husband how much you love him, and if possible plan family moments with your husband and your child.
Does your Mother in law have sisters? They might be able to shed some light on why your MIL is acting this way.
From Mrs. Dools
Oh, Bella. I really feel for you. No matter what you do, it winds up going pear shaped. Perhaps a trip to your counsellor either with your hubby or alone might be a good place to start. Unfortunately, you're fighting hubby and parents. Do you have family of your own. Perhaps a time away altogether where you have time to think without pressure would benefit you. Is there a chance where you could get away for a while. Maybe discuss with your counsellor about time apart. Not saying permanently, but your hubby needs a bit of a shake up to make him realize he's got a great wife and beautiful child. It's your home, they're overstepping the boundaries, but they have his permission, so they're not going to stop. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave, but, for me, it was the best thing I could've done. My IL's weren't coming here, we were visiting them. They gave me Hell with my ex's permission. My ex still visits them, but it no longer affects me because we're not together. I had exactly the same as you, no respect from IL's. My ex is basically a good man too, but his emotional attachment to his parents was more than I could handle. Discuss with your counsellor before you finally decide. I wish you all the best whatever you do.
My ex would drop everything every time his parents cried. He still does, but it's his problem, I don't have to be involved anymore. Maybe one day we might get back together.
Please let me know how you're going. I know exactly where you're coming from with this, you feel like you're in a no-win situation.
Hi Bella, Pipsy and anyone else who is reading this,
Oh dear. Relationships really are difficult at times aren't they. I'm really not sure what else to suggest, just thought I would share a little of my own experiences with you all.
My husband and I organised an overseas holiday. My Father in law decided that would be a wonderful trip and asked to see our itinerary. He then went to our travel agent and booked the identical holiday! They were coming with us...like it or not.
My father in law suffers from depression and anxiety, he also believes there is no way but his way. When I spoke with my husband saying I really didn't like the idea, I was told not to complain.
During the holiday, some of the happenings with my in laws were horrible. Father in law was so very embarrassing trying to chat up all the young ladies on the tour and demanding everything be done as he wanted it to be.
My husband stood up for his parents. I suppose there wasn't much else he could do, they are his parents!
I told my husband I was tired of trying to make sure everything went okay, that everyone was happy and I was aware of where they were when the tour guide moved on to a different place and they wanted to go into a shop to buy something. My husband told me to stop worrying. They could do what they wanted.
The next day, I tried to block out the family happenings. Husband came up to me and asked where his parents were. His Dad came up and asked me where his Mum was and so on. I told each of them I had no idea, I was listening to the tour guide. They all survived. I survived.
I had to learn to let go of the stuff I could not control!
Don't know if that story helps at all! From Dools
Hi Dools. I understand what you're saying, but there was still a lot of emotional damage done on your trip. Everyone's coping skills are different though. With my IL's I got fed-up with MIL finding fault with everything I said or did, and hubby telling her she was always right and I was being rude and ignorant. Just once if hubby had 'been there' for me, it might have made it bearable. Since then I've learnt to never ask hubby for any kind of assistance because I don't get it. I've had medical issues with a severely damaged right arm, when we found out what it was, MIL refused to accept what the surgeon told us. Hubby told me to ignore her, my BIL in England actually sent some paperwork over in relation to what I had. Her own Dr tried to tell her what I had was serious, but she knew best and gave me Hell for months. Finally last October, I'd had enough and told hubby I was leaving. If he wants to be their son and not my husband, that's fine. Till he can look after me and put me ahead of them, he can do what he likes. I've let go of the anger and hurt, but I can't and won't live in a relationship where m/d call the shots. Bella's IL's seem to think they have the right to walk into her house and take over. It's HER house, not theirs, they're way out of line, overstepping the boundaries, with her hubby's permission. My MIL even did that once in my home. It's a horrible situation when you can't call your own home, yours. She has rights in her own home. If she tried to do to them in their home, what they're doing in hers, there'd be Hell to pay.
Sorry if I offended you, each of us think differently when it comes to dealing with family.