Monogamy is it societies Achilles heal?

[Farfaraway]

So I like most men an unhappy with the intimacy in our relationship. its been going on and getting worse as the years drag on. Too tired, tto stressed, I don't feel sexy (She is hot as a bikini model) But if im really honest, its not just the sex, its total lack of intimacy. It's stuff like I can't sit on the lounge and hug my wife, if we go for a walk it's only her walk, not where I want to go? If i put something on TV I want to watch, she leaves the room. But its the sex thats the killer. I only feel whole, when we make love. Bit that doesnt happen any more. So then i question my self, am I good enough, is she into me, is this how the rest of my life will be, just a constant hollow existence of empty self doubt?

Now I don't think my wife should have to be intimate, if she doesn't want to be. It's her body and her choice, I don't want her to do me favors. Infact for a while I began to think I was becoming impotent? I knew she wasn't into it, so I blamed myself. I started buying toys, i thought I was inadequate, I thought I didn't please her. How could I think anything but that, she would always be tired or stressed, yet would stay up watching tv hours after i went to bed?? I suggest she come to bed early and would be snapped at.

We went on a holiday and nothing changed.......... but I thought it was the stress, the tiredness? yet 2 weeks on a tropical island made no difference? When we got home after being away I touched her and was snapped at again. I broke, i told her Im leaving before I end up cheating and am labeled that bastard! She freaked out, best sex ever that night, next day, beautiful texts exchanged between us, we were back. I come home on cloud 9 just wanting to sit with her, watch TV, cuddle, stroke her hair. But she won't sit with me? Im not allowed to hug her? I go to bed two hours early and she stays up and watches tv?

5 days later, its the same. Nothing will change, she just isn't into sex. But Im am, we see a councillor in a few days, my doing, last ditch effort. I love her but I can't live like this. This is an empty life. I'll never meet anyone as hot as her, I know that, she truly is stunning, but she kills my soul. Im tied up in knots I'm so strung out.

I wonder if an open relationship is the answer, she shouldn't have to be intimate, but I shouldn't have to be devoid of affection?

Am I wrong? I believe this is the problem with todays society. Men and women are just different. When will we accept that?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Farfaraway

I think it's quite common for couples who have been married a long time to be lulled into a state of complacency. We even take each other for granted at times.

The rhythm of life takes over and issues get placed on the back burner. And remember, in this case it's your issue not hers. So if you're not raising it ....

You threatening to leave could very well have shocked your wife. She may be quite used to way things are and ok with it. She may have thought you felt the same or that you'd just accept things. You have made it clear you are not ok with the status quo and she obviously doesn't want to lose you so is committing to counselling.

I don't think you really want to lose her either. Is that assumption correct? If it is, counselling is a really great initiative. Just don't expect it to be easy or a quick fix. Like everything worthwhile in life, it takes effort.

Kind thoughts to you

[Farfaraway]

No I absolutely 100% don’t want to lose her. I am your typical visually stimulated male, lol. But she ticks all my boxes, I’d be a fool to think I could ever do better. She is my dream girl like that, I do wonder though, if maybe she picked the wrong guy?

So now while I’m just all into her, she it seems can in every day life take me or leave me. So maybe even subconsciously she takes me for granted. It’s not until a big blow up or a threat of leaving, do things turn around.

tomorrow is the big day, I really hope we leave with some real direction from it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Farfaraway

I will be thinking of you today.

Remember that you can ask the counsellor questions. If I were in your shoes I'd be wanting to know:

• Do you think you can help us?

• What are the options for dealing with this issue?
• What is your recommended approach?

• How long do you think it will take?
• Have you successfully helped other couples with a similiar problem?

• What if your approach doesn't work?

Best of luck. Kind thoughts to you

[Farfaraway]

It was interesting with the counsellor today.

I know Im not great at articulating exactly what I mean, then the conversation goes another way and its hard to bring it back.

On the positive we are going to try some things.

On the negative, if I look at it. I feel the obvious issue as I stated above is being ignored.

That being, child birth and time, hormones etc change a womens sex drive. However nothing changes a males sex drive. So I feel like I have to and I have been for the last 10 years, making all these allowances. Trying all these things. The counsellor tells us nothing will happen over night, its a long process and we have to give. I get that, but really what does my wife give up in this? She doesnt want sex as much and I have to deal with that. But I cant just tell my body not to be horny, my problem is physical, hers is emotional.

So if we emotionally address all my wifes problems and if we're lucky it sparks some interest and then my physical problems are addressed. You see the male is always at the back end of this. But if were truly honest, neither person actually has a problem here. We admit, the males sex drive doesnt waiver, and we admit the womens does. The problem is infact the rules attached to what a successful relationship is.

This is why I feel the open relationship squares the ledger. It removes the pressure on the wife and takes away the expectation that if the wife loves the man she must provide great sex. Honestly I if we agreed on this tomorrow I wouldnt just run out and find multiple partners. It may even just show my wife that I'm not in the marriage just for sex, because I can get that elsewhere if i chose? Its very complex I understand.

I wonder if half the problem is most women can get sex at the drop of a hat. Certainly, anytime if my wife was to ask, i'd oblige lol. So does that remove some of the fun, if you work in a chocolate shop and can eat all the chocolates you like, how many chocolates are you eating after 6 months. You probably even start to hate the smell of chocolate, but if you walk past that shop every day, see the delicious chocolates through the window are they always on your mind?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Farfaraway

I'm glad things went well with your counsellor. Of couse, it will take time, but it must feel good to have started the process. How was your wife feeling after the session?

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with your views around "the rules" of marriage. I think it's fair to say that for many women (at least the ones I know) a key requirement of intimacy in a marriage is monogamy.

Knowing your husband wants only you means something. It means you are loved, cherished and precious.

And most married women would not want to be competing with other women in the bedroom, not to mention worrying about sexually transmitted diseases.

Men will never be "at the back end" of a passionate long term marriage. But it takes effort. Trust, open and honest communication, romance, friendship, laughter, forgiveness, and lots of acceptance of each other all go into the mix.

Just my view but I would tread carefully when discussing this concept with your wife, unless you have good reason to believe it is something she would consider. To me, it feels like a cop out and I know you don't want to lose her.

Happy for you and others to disagree, just my thoughts.

Kind thoughts to you

[Guest_1584]

No they can't actually op , l'd actually say it's about 50 50 even or maybe even in mens favor actually. very very common for men to lose all interest a time goes on and she gains weight and stuff. Or the marriage just becomes about bills and kids and life crap.

Anyway , l hope it works out for you one way or other

[Waste_of_Time]

Hi Farfaraway, sorry for my late response.

I'm not going to give you marriage advice as I've never been married and my longest relationship was a meager 8½ years so I'll leave that to those with more experience.

However if you and your wife do decide to try the 'open relationship' path I do have some suggestions that may help make your wife more comfortable with the idea.

Firstly is never having sex with the same person (other than your wife if she's up for it of course) more than once every six months, this should lower the chances of developing feelings with your open partner/s and reduce the likeliness of an affair.

Next is to each set aside one day a week/month/whatever you're comfortable with to be open with other people. Don't just drop it on her with "hey honey, I know your parents are coming over today, but I thought it'd be fun if I went to get freaky with Cathy from down the road". This is unique to every couple and is something you will have to compromise and talk to your wife about. The best system I've seen for this went something like this: 1st Monday of the month she would set something up, she had until the 1st Wednesday of that month (two days) to secure an open partner (who she didn't have to sleep with then and there but it did have to be organized by the Friday even if the hookup didn't happen until the following week) if by the Friday she hadn't lined something up, she waited until next month. His was the first Thursday of the month until the Saturday to line up a potential partner. This worked quite well for the couple in question.

The most obvious one is no sex with people either of you already know - no friends, family, neighbours, etc. Again to prevent affairs but also to prevent jealously.

There are a lot more rules and stipulations (if you want to call them that) in an open relationship than a monogamous one, be ready for that.

Lastly, (and I'm not being condescending here, although it may read that way and I apologize) be prepared for her to want to sleep with other men if you start an open relationship. Because it might happen even if she doesn't want to be intimate with you. You might be lucky, your wife could say "you go sleep with other women Honey, I don't need another man" but I wouldn't hold my breath and even if she does say that, I'd expect that to change over time as she sees you enjoying other partners.

Whatever you do I wish you luck in your ventures, and I hope you and your wife work things out eventually. 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Me too actually and tbh l'm really hoping the counseling maybe uncovers something in your w , reasons , or brings out some problem that can be fixed.

Best of luck.

Ps , what l said above is just from being divorced and ending up out in the big bad world again, it's just that you might be surprised at how tough it is for women out there later in life that's all.