Mid life blues

[listeningmind]

I’ve always had a very busy career but also have been the primary care giver to 3 children 

my husband has taken a more passive parenting role 

the 2 eldest kids have left and the youngest has ADHD but doesn’t take his meds, spends most time at gfs whose mother completely enables a sleep all day, up all night weed smoking lifestyle. He’s at uni and is over 18 but he rarely attends and i wouldn’t have a clue if he’s passing. We barely see him which hurts a lot and I know I have to let him be but it’s disappointing and I worry about his path

Our eldest has ongoing health issues needing our support but does live independently with Centrelink support

Middle boy has just moved interstate. He has his head screwed on but I miss him a lot too 

My marriage has been through a really hard time in recent years with hubby having substance abuse issues, irritability and history of emotional abuse. We have been on the brink of divorce but are working with a counselor. He’s trying but I still feel he doesn’t “see me” and when I say this he has no curiosity just says he doesn’t know what it means 

I am the main breadwinner and take full mental load. I feel grief as the children have grown and left which of course I know is normal feelings, I just wasn’t expecting the intensity of the feelings 

I take HRT and know hormones may play a role 

I thought life was supposed to get easier and I suppose physically it has with less to juggle but I feel adrift and rejected and alone 

my career is demanding but successful 

however I’m feeling really down on myself and guilty, did I work too much when the kids were younger? We were trying to make ends meet and give them a good education 

I just feel so depressed sometimes ..

what’s it all for? Where is the meaning? Everything just seems hard all the time.

I exercise regularly, running has helped, and have extended family support and good friends but I still feel hopeless and lonely a lot of the time 

also teary 

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Looking for solidarity I suppose and reassurance things will improve 

thanks 

[Croix]

Dear Listeningmind~

Welcome back. Your life is an upsetting mix and while there are many things you cannot alter you have done a great job with those you can.

You have held down a demanding job and been the breadwinner for your family -that is no small thing, in fact should allow you to see how strong you are.

You have raised 3 children, admittedly the youngest is a problem, but you are pleased with your middle boy and still help your eldest who has found a measure of independence, having been brought up not just to look to you for everything.

With your youngest TonyWK has already given you the most sensible advice and pointed you are a stable base and are doing all you can. Incidentally cannabis can react adversely with a range of prescription medications, so if you ever get the chance get him to see the doctor over possible effects.

Trying to get your partner to assist and support you sounds very difficult, however you have not given up, and are trying to set things on the right path. Living wiht anyone who has substance abuse is sometimes next to impossible, and his lack of understanding shows a gap you cannot fill yourself, he has to try.

As a practical tip, if the abuse is expensive I'd suggest take steps to prevent all your financial and other assets being drained away.

You are also having to deal wiht possible effects of HRT. Perhaps a conversation with your doctor about the possible effects might lead to a change of dosage.

I really think you are on the wrong path wondering if you have done enough in the  past, quite the opposite, you have done more than your share. Sometimes one is too close to what one is doing to see its true vale - or the cost it can have on you long-term.

While it is good to have friends and family for support I would expect you need more than that. All these stresses and problems mount up and I'd suggest quite strongly that rather than just getting couples counceling you seek medical or counceling assistance just for you. It can make a surprising difference to be regularly given another perspective.

It may not "fix" all the problems but may give you more ability to cope -less tears and more confidence. It may also be an appropriate time to look round for tihngs you enjoy to do -just for you. This has several benefits as I've found out, not only are they enjoyable or distracting in themselves, but lead you in time to realise you deserve them.

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[EsCee]

I hear you. I am in my late 40s and wondering when it gets easier and fun. I am a single mum of 2 teenagers but finding happiness is an effort. I think when you put so much time and effort into making sure the family are happy and you are keeping up at work you have a purpose but when the kids don't need you as much and the career is cruising along its a matter of what is next? When do I get to feel happy and what goals are next?

It sounds to me like you were a good parent who grew up independent children. This is when we want our partner to step in and have meaningful conversations and bring fun back into our lives. I'm sorry I don't have your answer but you are not alone in your feelings. 

[Croix]

Dear Listeningmind and New Member (currently called Guest_66123037)~

This really applies to both of you so you get one post for the price of two:) Incidentally New Member I've read your other thread.

In an ideal world a partner is really a partner, someone who takes enjoyment from being with you and so wants to be with you, looks after your welfare and tries to make your life as supported and enjoyable as possible - in other words the things you naturally do for them.

Maybe by couples-counceling you may latch onto things you both enjoy and are valued for yourself (unfortunately excessive alcohol does not help).

While I wish that for each of you there is a technique that may help you. This is something I practice myself (even though I am very fortunate in having a loving partner) and devote a set time each evening to do something that I enjoy. 

Not so easy to start with as finding things you enjoy can be hard. I found another person who knew me was able to point tihngs out I'd quite forgotten - such as a particular comedian in YouTube, and my own memory eventually kicked in too. So I ended up with a long list, from reading a chapter in a favorite book, to watching an old movie I'd appreciated before, taking Foxy Dog for a short walk (I've limited movement), ringing a freind (even a shallow one) and oodles more.

It is the fact there is something to look forward to each day that makes the difference. you know at XX pm you will be relaxing with yourself. This is not being selfish, simply lookng after your welfare - a reward you deserve.

I"m not saying this is a total answer, but you did ask "when does the fun begin" and the answer can be as early as this evening.

Despite distractions and circumstances please try to keep to that regular time, it is all too easy not to get into the habit.

Croix.