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Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Samias
Community Member

I can't make friends, havent since childhood and l'm in my 50's now. So tired of being lonely and pretending l'm a happy balanced person (which l mainly do so my kids don't start questioning themselves and end up like me). I have had a lot of short term friends, then they see something in me they dont like and they distance themselves so lm back where l started from. I often dont know what l have done to cause a potential friend to suddenly not want anything to do with me as l never had much opportunity to develop social skills when younger so am just left with that ever knowing feeling of sadness and having to accept rejection, a cycle that has been going on all my life. Because of panic attacks and being socially awkward l am aware l can at times come across as arrogant, needy, snobby, vain, or just plain bizzare as l stumble through conversations trying to be liked which of course turns people off me and of course to which they then avoid me. Then there is when l drink to cover up my nervousness or panic attacks then end up blind drunk and whatever l have done l will never know but the predictable avoidance from other people towards me raises its ugly head again! I presently live in a small town and am very aware that most in the town know of me and avoid me by now, so just going to the local supermarket is a struggle as it is humiliating to play the game of saying 'hello' to people who l know at the very least probably feel sorry for me as the 'wierdo' they know me to be, so l mostly stay at home and the lonliness is overwhelming causing more panic attacks and depression, l am presently at home feeling sick to my stomach from the loss of another potential friend by my last actions of getting blind drunk at their place being about the only one drinking (l should have picked up on those social skills, if hardly anyone else is drinking stay sober, but was too caught up in being so desperate to make friends to notice how others seen the situation) and now not having them reply to my msgs of plans we had made..... I really dont want to try anymore, have nothing left in me and have lost all hope.

Thankyou so much for listening to me and hoping your day is going well

11 Replies 11

Allan533
Community Member

Just wanted to say that while I haven't been in your situation exactly, my situation is broadly analogous enough that I think I might be able to empathise a little bit. I have Aspergers - pretty high-functioning, all told, but social situations, especially those involving a large number of people or unfamiliar people are very, very hard for me. Meeting people is difficult, making any kind of connection even moreso, and certainly not any kind of lasting or deep connection. And it sucks when it inevitably fizzles out or they leave. That part, I know. I've been extremely lucky to make one friend, but even that's a constant fight to not accidentally push them away by saying or doing the wrong thing. I'm doing my best, but honestly I'm counting the days before they decide I'm too much work.

I wish I had some advice for you, at least advice I'm sure you haven't heard a thousand times before. I attend a Go club most weeks, which while it isn't a meaningful connection, does help scratch that loneliness itch the tiniest of fractions. The shared activity helps take a lot of the mental load off, because I can chat to them, or I can just focus on the game, and both are completely acceptable. That helps me a little bit, but not nearly enough.

I suppose all I can say is that while I'm not in your situation exactly, I think I can kind of understand where you're coming from, at least a little bit. I don't know if that helps at all.

Ho Samias how u doin.

similar ages and ahh , l don't have any either. Small town thing here to l only moved to 18mths ago .

l was open to whether it works out or not but firstly was to stay close to my daughter .l've decided l'm moving again soon though , next yr or so she'll be nearly 18 and absolutely nothing has happened ofr me here and l struggle with it a lot, l don;t fit , l know that. add my natural gift of l dunno , pissing people off somehow or something given enough time, not good.

Could you just move , ?l'm from melbourne and l don;t have the knack for this small town social thing it's an art form all it;s own,

For me it's exactly like you said , even if l don't make new friends in somehwere bigger at least it's big enough that l don't feel uncomfortable and l won't even be noticed anyway and so l'm happy to just do my thing if that's the way it goes again.

Could be a solution for you.

l also use to drink when l went out to cut back anxiety but then l'd go too far and so it was a catch 22. Nut after years of practice , l realized if l just have one or two , even before l get there, l'm loose when l arrive and all is fine= after that - just sip , haha. Give that a go,