Maybe give up on finding love?

[JJ1981]

Hi ladies and gentlemen

I'm a 41 year old male professional who has been single practically his whole life. I did manage to have dates with a few women since I moved to my current city five years ago. But, I have a funny feeling that the COVID pandemic (and its aftermath) left Australia's dating scene in shambles. I feel that is more of a case amongst the women. I understood that the best way for me to find a potential date after school and university is to find social groupings involving regular contact with women. But, so many women are now hesitant to go to mixed gender social groupings because of how certain men have hurt the women they came across in a big variety of ways. So, that hurt guys like me too.

I feel that maybe I am not meant to find love. Otherwise, life's circumstances would have been far more in my favour. Like me working near city offices, instead of in deep suburbia. Like me having genuine help on dating instead of being leached upon by every so called dating coach imaginable for money (who doesn't love money?!). Like me going to social groups that have the same women attending regularly instead of just showing up once and never returning. Like my siblings helping me hook up with one of their contacts instead of hiding them from me. Like me finding women at the "right place at the right time" instead of me finding women being sighted by 50 male "competitors", including their friends and work colleagues.

I also have been now getting the impression that some women find heterosexual romance to be a mere misogynistic conspiracy designed to restrain women and their freedoms...which is why I keep hearing about how more women are staying single and have NEVER been happier. All at a time when my depression has been contributed to by a very long absence of companionship.

I just now ask myself...am I meant to be single for life? Am I meant to just shut my longing up in response to women reacting to how some men treated them? I must say I am feeling more at peace about this possibility, but I want to say this. That is still a sad reality for me to face.

Any thoughts/comments? Many thanks.

[Juliet_84]

Hi JJ1981,

I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time being single. I have a few friends who have are in the same boat and remain single despite their best efforts and are becoming disillusioned over time. Some people find it relatively easy to go from relationship to relationship - I can only assume they have the type of personality that gets on with most people, whereas for others, it can be very difficult. I myself find it very hard to find people I click with and so I have stayed in bad relationships for far longer than I should have because I have been worried about finding someone else. I can tell you all sorts of platitudes to try and make you feel better but the reality is that it’s a numbers game, the more dates you go on, the more chances you have of finding someone, it’s that simple. You can’t win a lottery that you haven’t even bought a ticket to. Ok yes you have done all of those activities, but did you make an effort to talk to everyone and get to know them, and ask people out on dates (even if they didn’t seem like your type at first glance)? Was the demographic wrong, in which case the activities themselves may have been wrong. I play indoor netball 3 times a week, 2 of those times it’s mixed and that is a great way to meet people - there are plenty of females there, you often go for drinks or dinner at the pub after, you work closely in a team with them, and there is a constant turnover of new people. Yes some women have been hurt before and so are hesitant to be in a relationship again but we are open to people who are nice and genuine. For me, I was in a DV relationship for a very long time and so I was terrified of dating, of someone pretending to be perfect and then turning into a monster once I had fallen in love. So I was very fearful, particularly if I sensed any bitterness as my ex was full of bitterness and resentment. So you will need to be sure you aren’t inadvertently projecting your frustration, I think that’s what people really mean when they say “it will come to you when you least expect it”, basically stop trying to force it and work on yourself and being happy and people can’t resist that.
Alternatively, if you feel yourself becoming disillusioned, then you can always take a break and go back to it when you feel a bit more positive/motivated. It’s really up to you.

[JJ1981]

You know what? I actually am reading through this. You guys are right in different ways. But, I must admit it is still a sad thing for me to read. And even had me confused about what to do next. Play mixed netball? Ask out the first lady who says hello to me at the first meet? Accept the possibility of a love being 4-5 out of 10, outside and inside?

Many activities I went through had many different younger ladies appearing. So, often I have included the right demographic. But, two problems. One, the events don't discriminate between single and seeking women, and women who either don't want a relationship or are already TAKEN. Two, I have made conversations with quite a few of those women...it's that they do not show up frequently enough (if at all) for me to build up enough rapport to ask out. I even tried asking women out within the first five minutes of a conversation, but I would be more likely getting polite brushoffs, rather than acceptances of a date offer. It's a matter of building up report...something of which life appears to have prevented me from doing ad nauseum!

[Juliet_84]

Hi JJ1981,

I’m glad that you have found some value in our suggestions, and despite you being fairly disillusioned at the moment, I think you recognize that there is truth in what we say. The mixed netball was purely an example of an activity that has a lot of women in your target demographic. Only tonight I played mixed netball with just as many men there as women and afterwards we went for a meal at the pub. But it took me about a year to feel comfortable there, at first I knew no one and felt incredibly isolated. Two years ago I moved to a new town and didn’t know anyone, so I essentially had to put myself out there and try and establish friends - at first I was incredibly self-conscious and it felt a lot like dating but over time I became more comfortable with putting myself out there, saying “we should catch up for dinner after a game sometime” or if they lived near me, we should go for a walk or brunch etc and then following through. I too was afraid of rejection, but I was more afraid of staying isolated by myself so I forced myself. I even got a puppy as a way of being out and about more and meeting new people. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way, if not you will find an excuse and stay the same. You will get the polite brush-offs, most often by women who are already in relationships, and that is fine, that’s a great way of removing them from the pool and keep moving. But eventually you will find someone willing to get to know you. You sound like an intelligent and articulate guy. There is value in what you bring to the table. I think you need to have more confidence in that and trust that there are women out there who will recognize that. But I agree with you, meeting the right people is the hardest part. You just have to keep going with it until you don’t have to anymore

[JJ1981]

Good moves there too, Juliet. And, thanks for your feedback on how my personality appears.

Talk about "trusting the process", as another woman put it.

It looks like trust is just as important in getting potential partners as confidence (the term of which appears so damn vague and so heavily abused by dating profiteers, lots of people wouldn't understand what the hell it really means)...

[geoff]

Hello JJ, our personalities are formed in one way or another, it could be from our upbringing, school or slowly change while at work simply because it has to, and this may happen without us even knowing.

So when you meet someone, do you just say 'hello', out of courtesy or being polite or can you expand the conversation by saying 'how was your day' and then continue on talking.

Not everyone you meet should be viewed as a potential partner, which can be a mistake we find ourselves doing, when trying to find someone.

Geoff.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op.

l wouldn't worry too much about the crap you hear, half the time that oh l don't want a relationship l'm so happy talk is just that and all just front. l was a bit older than you after marriage and just about any woman l met was looking for a relationship or marriage l could've remarried a couple of times so far. l mean l know guys that have just had enough of women though and no doubt some women have men , not saying there isn't, but there's also a lot of bravado going on l see.There are plenty of ea that would also like to meet that someone to.

Unfortunately it does get complicated though as we get older in that people have usually divorced and have ex's and kids and lots of baggage. They've also often met a few new people since that didn't go well and losing heart butttt, right person and you can work through things together. Tbh though l'd sort of agree with Geoff in a way if l understand it correctly just in that you might be wanting it a bit too much , does sound like you've tried a lot of stuff. Sometimes you see people that works and they meet the one but other times it's like they might just need to relax a little and more just live them and life bc you just naturally come across people either way anyway, you know.

l always say to people it's the quality that matter, not the quantity.

Good luck anyway. rx.

[Guest_1584]

ps

Also just on date site stuff op , l tried one ah, 4 or 5 yrs back now before l met my partner but most of the women on mine were serious and looking for something real or marriage. Talking 40s to early 50ish , so were are around. Most of any l met actually complained that it was the guys they'd met that were only looking for casual. So anyway , keep the faith .

rx