Married, devastated as recently broke up emotional extra marital affair

[Maa]

Hi

I don’t know what to do with myself so trying to get help on this forum. It’s a long story so please bear with me. I am married with 3 kids and a loving husband. My marriage has its ups and downs but never ever thought of leaving my husband.

So my story Last year in December I got a text from the man I once loved 18 years ago wishing me “happy birthday”. I was excited to see that oh! he still remembers me and thinks about me. I replied and as he lives overseas and we were not in touch for last 18 years (except for inquiring about each other’s lives occasionally from a common friend) we started catching up via text message. He told me how he never got over me and till date thinks about me and I m always his first love. Slowly we started talking everyday. I felt 16 again, I was floating, blissful, talking to him was like my lifeline. Though we are 5000kms apart but he became part of me to a point that I woke up in the morning so could text him and slept at night to dream of him. The feeling were the same on the other side too. Then in July I went overseas with my family for a holiday and I met him for a coffee. There was nothing physical between us but we hugged each other and held hands. I came back to Australia with promises we made to each other that we will never end this beautiful friendship and believed we are true soulmates. Then in November he tells me that his wife has starting doubting him as he is on his ph a lot and she is making his life miserable by questioning him all the time. I asked him” should we end it”, he said no but we should slow down but he just stopped texting me altogether and told our common friend to take care of me and that he cannot continue.

I m devestated now, I m heartbroken, can sometimes physically feel my heart aching. I sleep crying thinking about him and wake up crying. I m so occupied with my grief, anger and loss that I just can’t function. My husband is worried for me as he is clueless why I m acting like this. My pain is so bad that sometimes I feel like hurting myself so he finds out and contacts me again. I m trying everything, meditation, exercise but nothing is helping. I know I should concentrate on my family and kids but I just can’t whatever I do I m so obsessed with his thoughts that I can’t. Everyday seems so long and empty like my life.

[Maa]

Thank you for checking on me, means a lot to me as I can’t share my situation with anyone and painfully pretend to be normal. I still feel rejected and wonder why he ended it abruptly, still waiting that he might miss me and text. He didn’t text on my birthday or New Years so there should be no hope but I am an idiot still waiting.

[lilly2016]

Oh Maa, I'm sorry you are going through this, ghosting is quite common, more common than you would think, but what a torture it is. I believe some men just want to win you over and then when they have boosted their own ego, drop you in it. I wish I knew what to say to help you, I remember holding my phone all day, waiting for a call or text, any beep became hope, false hope. I lost weight, couldn't function properly, I was consumed by thoughts of him day in day out. I still think of him every day, but I can't stand him anymore, I trained my mind to think of him constantly and unfortunately I cannot get rid of the thoughts, I do hope that doesn't happen to you, it gets better with time though, you will see. I'm sorry about you birthday and new year's eve, you must of been waiting all day for a text, in hope of a message. Do not let this beat you.

[Maa]

It’s a bit better, I can see a ray of hope. I still think why he ghosted me, what about all the things said during those 10 months, the promises the emotions but thankfully I am crying all day. The heart palpitations are not that bad. Yes, there is a lot of bitterness for him for treating me like dirt. I tried meditation which I believe is helping me. One thing I learnt while reading all the self help books is that don’t try to stop the thoughts because if you do those thoughts multiply and come back to hit you instead just be an observer of thought, very very hard to do but I am trying. Want to get better for myself

[panacea]

Hi Maa
Hope you are felling better

This is my first message on wider network about the extramarital affair I went into.

I fell out of marriage into another relationship after I had one kid and was pregnant with second.
It felt so right at that time. I had taken major steps, like changing cities to be with the other man.
I got separated from my husband and finally got divorced. It was hard and emotionally draining.
This other man was, and is married. I fell for his promises that he will take care of everything, so that we can be together (my first mistake) . He couldn’t leave his wife, which is understandable.

Due to emotional challenges, I went into depression and was hit by cancer.
But this has led me to spiritual growth, a lot.
My situation has helped few of my friends in restoring their marriage, which I feel the purpose of me going through all this.

Currently I am living alone with my two kids. My ex husband is a good father and is around for my kids.

All these happened in time span of 7 years. Its long battle.
After coming to this forum, I realised, many women go through this around the world.
What I learnt from all this is, unless you are in really abusive marriage, please don’t fall for other person. I do understand the emotional trauma when these things happen.

I am in a state where I can’t go back to my marriage. Currently, I am trying to understand the meaning of love and marriage and connection between them
I am sure I will be able to find answers soon 🙂
I am happy to help as many women as I can.

I have reached a point of peace and forgiveness. I do have my moments but God is helping me in healing

Please feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk more about this. Its hard to open up regarding this. I wish I had someone when I was taking those extreme steps.

Sending peace to the women going through this and to women who are on the other side(living with men with extramarital affair)

[Guest909]

Some sage advice that should be heeded.

Thanks.