Married but No sex

[TruckieCharlie]

Well , where do I start ? I'm Charlie , I'm 35 . My wife is 47 

Been Married for 5 years , been together for 8 years. 

We have a 4 year old which I love so much .

Our sex life was really good at the start like every relationship ( honeymoon stage )

since she had a baby the sex life was going down hill , I remember when we were trying it was almost every night .

I Have been keeping count .

2013 was about 5 times .

2014 was about 3 times

2015 was about 2 times 

2015 was in March  and July .

Iv been thing about leaving for the last 3 years but fears step in to play .

i thought about an affair but I don't want to cheat .

There is been no kissing besides hello after work but that doesn't happen all the time .

Iv have spoken to her about lack of sex or love making what ever she wants to call it .

I asked her , what's going on with our sex life ?

what is it ? 

I said that if I knew I was going to become a priest when I signed up for this I wouldn't have got married .

I asked her who is she seeing?  Because it's not me so someone has to be 

I then asked her is it me ? Don't you find me attractive anymore ? Didn't want to give me an answer ... She said don't be silly .

i said is it depression ? Are you depressed ? 

Not getting too far at all 

I asked to her tell me anything ... I said I'm a big boy I can handle it !

 she said then who have you been seeing?

where do I go from here ? Any ideas .

This has been going on for years ! I'm so over this 

[pipsy]

Dear TruckieCharlie.  You're 35, she's 47 with an active 4 year old.  Have you considered the possibility she's menopausal?  When women go through menopause, our 'sex drive' becomes almost non -existent.  We don't talk about it because half the time we don't understand it ourselves.  Have you noticed mood swings, headaches, tension.  If she doesn't want to discuss it with you, try suggesting you see a G.P together.   She's probably more concerned about looking after you than she's letting on.  If she's not interested in sex, yes she's probably scared she's losing you, but she's on an emotional merry -go-round and doesn't know how to 'stop it'.  If you're on the road a lot, you wouldn't 'see' a lot of what she goes through.  Teasing her about it is counter -productive and (dare I say it) rather cruel.  She needs to know you are 'there' for her, 100%.  If you are a 'rough and tumble' type of guy (a lot of truckies come across like that) that will also stop her from confiding in you.  Let her know how much you love her by not talking about sex so much, but just spending time with her.  Maybe take daughter out for a while so mum can have a bit of a rest.  You've actually listed how often you have sex or make love, however way you put it.  Is she a bit worried about having/not having another child?   There are a million reasons why her libido has 'dropped', let her know you love her, no matter what.

I think a G.P would be a benefit to both of you.

Best wishes.  If I've offended, I apologize, that was not the intention.  I know you mean well.  So do I.

[Paul]

Hey Charlie,

Pipsy makes some great points particularly about letting your wife know how much you love her. A bit of affection a cheeky grin, holding hands again, a nice cuddle in bed can all do wonders to keep in touch with eachother to pave the way to chat about the missing sex. Again, as pipsy mentioned perhaps a visit to a GP or a very very gentle chat about how she feels about sex at the moment. That's all, just how she feels about it. She may deflect by saying "OK" or something similar, you could ask what she means by OK. If she starts to become irritated you might like to acknowledge that it seems like a difficult topic for you both lately and that's why you ask. You could add again, that she is important to you.

What are your thoughts Mate?

Paul

[TruckieCharlie]

Hey Pipsy , I know what you are saying and I thank you for being honest .

you have to excuse me but I have had 3 years of this and 10 minutes to explain it while having a break so maybe it didn't come out right . 

Im not a rough truck driver like most truckies . I'm home every night so I'm only a local driver .

i have asked her if it was menopause and she said no it's not . 

i buy her flowers for birthdays and Valentine's Day and give great gifts all the time . Every gift for an Occassion I write a nice little card and I even write one from our little one . 

We have discussed about more kids and we both don't want anymore .

we have unprotected sex and she is not on the pill . We were getting cuddly so I thought ..... I'm in .. Yes .. She said no and said its not safe because it's the wrong time of the month , she didn't have her period but coming up to it .  I gather it was the perfect time to get pregnant .I said fine I will grab a condom then so it's ok . She knocked that back . I asked her why not ? It's safe . She just told me to go to sleep 😞 

as as for the teasing .. Well I don't tease .

i use to be really nice about it then my patience have worn off . 

So now I just say it like it is . ( rough and rugged and to the point . She just keeps on giving excuses after excuses 

mans relaxing ... Well we didn't have holidays all year and we took a week of to go for a holiday , a great holiday , really relaxing , but sexless .

 I will try and be really nice about it ... But I'm 100% sure it will be a fail .

maybe we should go to a GP . I will suggest it . 

Thank for your words and I appreciate it lots .

 iv talked about this with close friends and family and this is my first time online .

 she is important to me . But I'm getting to the point where I don't even know how I feel about her anymore . 

 she is a very controlling person . Likes things to be her way . from dishes to kids high school . I get no say and when I do say something it get deflected to her way . 

Last night I said I'd do the dishes , just finished work , had a shower , had dinner . Took the rubbish out . I said I'd clean up in 15 minutes . Need to sit down for a bit because I was physically nackered . 

Mow no no no . Must do it when she says . Cracks it because it wasn't on her terms . 

Little shit like that . Likes to control . I hate control .

[TruckieCharlie]

Hey Paul , Thanks for your thoughts . Your a really smooth guy .

i was a smooth guy once upon a time years ago but when I noticed this happening and getting knocked back even hugs then I kinda wore off over the years and patience runs thin . 

I will be mentioning the lines of a GP and the nicest way possible and go down that path . I'm sure if it doesn't go down that path then I really don't know what to do .

3 years is a long time to go thru this .

Even sometimes I get upset about it and stress out and I have a smoke and a coffee and I wonder what the hell am I doing ? Why did I get married for .

We had a argument start of this year and I was good to just put the cards away and go . This has happened a few times but this time I was ready to walk . I even packed some clothes and thought I need to get out of here . Iv had it .

so I did . 

She was upset and started getting teary . I asked her why she was upset ? She didn't want me to go . I said don't worry ..... I don't know why your upset for because I thought I was doing her a favour as well as myself one too .

 this argument was about being controlling . 

I was so sick of being controlled about everything from the big thing to the small . 

This is an addition to this one 😕 

[geoff]

dear Charlie, I agree, Pipsy is on the ball here, because she may well be going through menopause, but teasing her will only make sure that there is no sex, especially when she feels as though you maybe seeing someone else, but in any marriage that's what does go through the minds of the husband or wife.

The honeymoon period can never last and it never does and it's impossible for one person hoping for it to continue when the other person wants to settle down and get on with their life, whether it's work, having a baby or another baby or redecorating the home, so sex is further from their mind, but it doesn't mean that they don't love you, and even the kiss and hug before you leave and when you get home, slowly stops, but again this doesn't mean that they don't care or love you so affection is shown in other ways. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Charlie

I suspect that there’s a lot of love and affection there, definitely on your behalf, but I would suspect that your wife would have these feelings as well.  What I’m saying or alluding to here is that I think this is definitely worth fighting for and trying your damndest to set things on a different path – hence why you’ve come here, which is a positive move on your behalf.

It’s been suggested already, but I would think that for the both of you to get along to see your GP (or a different GP, aside from your family one, if you feel more comfortable doing that) would be a great next step.

The other suggestion to make here is to get in touch with Relationships Australia – as this is what they do.  Professionally trained counsellors on these kinds of subjects;  so while a doctor could be a good step forward, perhaps seeking out trained counsellors in this particular area could be very worthwhile.

As you say, it’s been going on like this for so long now, that anything you try I think will just fall on deaf ears.  I do hope that she is agreeable to these types of suggestions?

Kind regards

Neil

[TruckieCharlie]

Well I really don't get it .. Iv asked the question and I have fact this this is menopause.. 

in a really nice open honest way .

stated facts and reasons . I then suggested that she might be in denial about it ? Iv suggested a GP .

she said don't be silly , you don't know what your talking about .

I Said that I have been speaking to professionals because she seems to think I have been reading Google too much .

I then suggested that if its not menopause then what could it be ? she said I don't know what I'm talking about . 

I said that I'm only trying to get to the bottom of this . It's been going on for 3 years . 

I said that no sex life in a marriage destroys marriage and I didn't want it to happen to us .

she shrugged it off . 

I asked her if it's not menopause then what is it ? 

I asked her if it's someone else . I said you might be getting the love from me  

but maybe something else some someone else ? 

Her reply was don't be silly . I don't have time for sex . Maybe if you come to bed early then you might have a chance .

i said that I do come to bed early and most of the time it's before you !

she said she's busy . A lot on my plate .

i said a lot on your plate ? This has been going on for 3 years . She got snappy 

[pipsy]

Hi TruckieCharlie.  In a previous post, I said maybe she doesn't understand menopause herself because she's never discussed it with anyone (G.P).  It's a very touchy subject at the best of times.  She said if you come to bed early, you said, you do.  Another thing springs to mind here.  Maybe she's 'sore'.  When we go through menopause sex can be excruciatingly painful.  The pain is worse than childbirth and we make every excuse known to man to avoid the situation.  If that is the case (not saying it is), it's unbelievably embarrassing even to the point we deny everything, even to a Dr.  There are creams available, but I would consult a G.P first.  To find out if that is the problem, suggest seeing a Dr together.  A Dr will in some cases refer her to a Gynaecologist. 

P.S I have exactly the same problem, so I understand the lengths she will go to, to deny. 

I know how much you love her, that's obvious.  I'm sure she loves you too.

[Paul]

Hi mate,

Sorry to hear things didn't go too well when you chatted with your wife. I know it feels shit, and from reading your posts it's becoming more distressing.

It's been mentioned in other posts that sex is difficult in a marriage sometimes for blokes and for women. The weird thing is that women are wired to be less sexual after a time in a relationship, blokes are as well, but not as, much as women. It's just how it is. Sex is still important, I get that and there are also exceptions to the rule some people stay very sexual. - Most don't though.

Also again, as mentioned by pipsy - menopause.

I really do feel the frustration coming through in your posts and it's a valid frustration. I wonder if visiting a counsellor or a psychologist by yourself might be an option.  Frustration and upset can be a pretty powerful combination to take you down the road of feeling like crap. Any conversation with your wife then when you're feeling crap isn't going to end well. The person you chat with may have some more insight into what to say or how to start a conversation with your wife about sex that won't have her closing up and getting frustrated as well.

What are your thoughts on having a chat with someone professionally?

Take care mate

Paul