Marriage falling apart

[Queenie]

My husband has suffered depression for about 8 years now.  Unfortunately as time went by, I didn't handle it very well and struggled to cope.  We began to create destructive cycles of behaviour which continually added to the stress and anxiety he was feeling, and made me lapse into jealousy and anger.  I was jealous of everything he did outside of our relationship because I felt so physically and emotionally deprived and this jealousy was expressed in so many ugly ways (it is shamefully hard to admit this and I feel sick when I think of how much extra pain I caused him).  He acted out against my possessiveness and the cycle continued.  I had become a shell of a person, avoiding contact with my family and friends, and becoming increasingly bitter about life and work.  I have recently asked him to leave our home in an attempt to break the cycle and he has moved in with our young adult children.  After he left he sent me a text listing all the hurtful things I had said and done over the 25 years we have been together.  While it hurt, it was the first indication he had given me of how he really felt about our relationship.  I have realised that I should have sought help for what I think was also depression, and for managing my inappropriate reactions to his depression. I can see that I was a weight adding to what was already a heavy load for him and that even though I had been denying it, I was a major part of the problems in our marriage but he also must carry some of the responsibility.   He has told me for a while now that he wanted to be alone but had never taken the step.  I feel that the deliberate acts that resulted in me asking him to leave may have been a way of 'forcing the issue'.  I am seeking professional help for my own depression now and working on my jealousy issues.  I love him dearly and even in our darkest moments we did maintain some affection and closeness and I really miss holding his hand - especially at bedtime. I do not want our marriage to dissolve because before the depression we were a loving, strong, secure couple who had a great balanced marriage where we grew together but allowed each other's strengths to flourish.  He was a wonderful husband and father and a great friend to me.  I have always been so proud to call myself his wife and everyone knows how much I love him and enjoy being with him. Is there any hope for us?  

[chloe92]

Dear Queenie,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, it is a very hard thing for you to go through. I can relate to how you see your husband everywhere around you - his items in the washing, etc, and it can really add stress to how we are feeling. I can also understand your feelings about a cycle occuring in your relationship. And I know that it is the hardest thing to do to not go over verything in your head. Things that you could have done, shouldn't have done, I should have been less this, or more that. But do not be too hard on yourself, for it only hurts more to think about things from the past that you cannot change. From what I have seen of your replies on other people's posts, you seem like such a lovely lady, please do not let your circumstances make you think otherwise. 

It sounds as though you are taking a great step of progress in seeking help. Focus on yourself for now and what makes you happy, such as spending time with your children. Give them a call when you are feeling down, sometimes what we need is a few simple words from a kind voice. 

I do sincerely hope that things begin to improve for you Queenie.