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Loveless marriage

Rowa_Aka
Community Member
I have been married for 20 years but have not been intimate with my husband for more than 8 years. I am feeling neglected and unloved. We have 2 children and I feel I am like a single parent. I take a load on my shoulders and am finding myself being angry and lonely all the time. I work full time, take kids to appointments and activites, come home and start cooking, still have to do household duties, dont stop until midnight and am always feeling exhausted yet I still crave to have some intimacy. My husband stays home all day and is always on the computer, phone, ipad and napping and does very little to support me. He hardly ever comes to bed and tends to sleep on the lounge in front of the TV despite many attempts to tell him to go to bed. I feel like we have a more brother sister relationship than a marriage. He has a good heart and is a very placid person, he always has intentions of doing things but never eventuates to do anything... I feel in front of people he tries to make out we have a perfect loving relationship and tries to be warm and cuddly but thats just it... at home he doesnt come anywhere near me and its like hes in another world. I have asked him to come and seek some counselling but he refuses and says there is nothing wrong. I am often feeling sad and feel like I am just existing... I do everything for my family and my kids keep me feeling alive. I most of the time feel like I am more needed rather than loved and feel like if I stop then the world will stop because I am the glue that keeps us all together. It is extremely difficult when the relationship is one sided. We often get into arguments and I am angry for a couple of days and then when things calm down he thinks things are back to normal. He doesnt do any tasks around the house until I have a melt down and then he tends to get my kids to help him do things and he then thinks that everything is ok again. I have threatened to leave him but he thinks I am only joking. I am only staying for my kids because I have discussed it with them and I feel a split would be traumatising for them judging by their reaction so far. Ihave a child with emotional issues. I hate my situation as I am often arguing in front of the kids and I dont want to but I just tend to do it without any control. I love my kids too much to just up and leave. I feel i cannot control my emotions and get triggered very easily. I am getting to the point that I hate myself for thinking like that. I feel trapped.
2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

"Staying for the kids" is a loyal example of dedication that has consequences. By ending up miserable the household is unhappy and the childten know it.

As dedicated as good parents are it would be and unrealistic level of dedication if there is no self focus on your own mental and emotional well being. Help yourself to care for your children so to speak.

I would suggest you seek family counseling. If he does not attend with you then attend alone. If the latter occurs then do not reveal what occurs at your meetings, he can go along if he cares enough.

Individuals in a partnership/marriage have some responsibilities towards the family, the running of the house and to the happiness of their partner. When one member drops their level of duty and effort the domino effect begins.

Take care, seek out what you deserve in happiness.

TonyWK

Betternow
Community Member

I can only underline what white knight has suggested Rowa.

I respect your dedication towards your children by preserving the family unit.

However, there is an abundance of social evidence that shows maintaining the family unit is not always in the children's best interest. They are well aware of the fighting and tension and long term this will have a negative affect on their own attitudes to family life.

Set your children a positive example by putting your own emotional health first. Seek professional counselling alone. You have tried to involve your husband and it hasn’t worked. You can’t be all things to all people.

The time has arrived for you to be selfish and by doing so improve life for yourself and children. As for your husband, he’s an adult and if he chooses to positively engage, great, but if he persists in his current state, you shouldn’t stay in the marriage.