Love each other, but he needs space.

[ebbie]

I have been seeing the same guy for four years now. I went away on holiday with my family (without him) and he asked for space. I gave it to him, and then he wanted to see me. Things were getting better but then he had friends over and didn't invite me. It really hurt. We argued about this as it was really embarrassing for me (I have to work with the people invited, that's how I found out). This argument turned into the question as to why he needed space, does he want to be with me, and then finally why don't you just break up with me? He insist that he loves me, he kept saying it over and over, but when I asked how can you love me and not want to be around me, he responded with "I don't think you should be near me, I'm scared I will disappoint and hurt you."

We have agreed that space is needed, that we wont see or talk to each other for a bit. I followed up with, "does that mean you want to see other people?" He said "No. He only wants  to have me." I followed this by asking if he has ever been with anyone else in our relationship, he also said no to that and I do believe him. I have tried talking to him as to why he needs space. Tried to find out exactly why and what is going on... but he has always had trouble with talking. I honestly do not know what to do? I want to be with him, but I feel so alone, I feel like no one wants me. How can someone love you (I know he does), but not want to be near you at this time? I want to stay with him, I really do, but  it's hurting so much.

[Zeal]

Hi Ebbie,

I am a 22 year old female, and I’m also in a relationship right now. From your post, I have a strong feeling that your boyfriend genuinely loves you and wants to be with you, but is feeling inadequate on a personal level. It sounds like he might have low self-esteem, and worry that he won’t make you happy or that he’s inferior. I obviously can’t say this with certainty, as I am only going by what you’ve written, but it’s what immediately
came to mind after I read your post.

Try talking to him about this situation here and there, when you are both relaxed and not pressed for time.
Hopefully others here on the forum will think of more specific things to help with your situation.


Best wishes,

SM

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ebbie,

Thanks for reaching out.

Ah, space.  I know this. This is difficult.

The problem with space is that from reading your post, I don't know how much 'space' he's been given or how much 'space' he wants.  But the great thing is you guys are communicating to each other about what's going on and that he still wants to be with you and that he loves you.

A certain amount of space in a relationship can actually be really healthy.  Even though it can be difficult initially if you aren't used to it, overtime it does get easier.

I know for me personally I hated it at the beginning - I felt very left out and doubted our relationship.  But then I learned that space doesn't necessarily mean like it does in the movies.  It means that you can do your own thing (like hobbies/interests or catching up with a friend) and he can do his.  You may even find that it brings you closer together - because then once you do finally catch up again you can make the most of your time together. You might even be able to surprise him or impress him with things that you learned or stories about what you did. 

Hope this helps,