Losing my mind after breakup

[medea]

Hi, it's my first post here. I may change some details to my story just in case...

A few months ago, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me for one reason: I want kids and he doesn't. Now I know that for most people, it's a dealbreaker so technically he made the right decision but I just can't get over him and move on. Things were going truly great during our relationship and he was my first boyfriend (I was his first girlfriend as well). Being in our late twenties, I genuinely started seeing a future with him even though things were not perfect (nothing is). He is a great, caring, patient, loyal, supportive, smart guy, not to mention incredibly handsome in my eyes (my friends revealed after our breakup that theyd found him average but I for my part, would look at him and wonder how little me managed to land a guy like him).

I've always had anxiety issues and history of depression and he knew how easily I could freak out over small things but he still loved me as I was. I managed to feel a bit better during our relationship and I would do my best to treat him like a king while he was treating me with the utmost love.

It just kills me that he left me, even though he considers that it was the right decision for both of us. I just can't get over the fact that he may change his mind about kids as he truly never seemed adamant about not having any, just "not interested". The fact that he ended a good relationship because of that single issue, while still having feelings for me should be a massive indicator that he clearly doesn't want them but he's still young, none of his friends want kids either (since we tend to be influenced by our friends' opinions and values, could it be that he's just following their lead?) and he's never really been exposed to kids. I feel like it's more a "not now" than a "never" and I resigned myself to wait for him to change his mind both about us and kids.

Right now, I mostly feel like I can't be without him. I'm going crazy,  terrified that he may move on and find another girl and potentially decide to have kids with her. We've been in no contact for a few weeks but I keep checking social media status and wondering if he's chatting with another girl. I also can't help thinking he will come back to me eventually...

[Sophie_M]

Hi medea,

We are so grateful you felt brave enough to share your journey with us here. We know how difficult it can be to open up and it's important that you have done so here.
We are so sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment, but please know that our community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
We are also currently trying to contact you via email as we are concerned for you.

We hope that you keep checking back in with us and let us know how you're going when you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Medea~

I'm glad you came here to the Forum, it's a reflection of how bad you feel that you did so, as it is a difficult thing to do, particularly to strangers, you don't know what they might think or say.

Being in that state of limbo, hoping against hope that things will repair, checking every day on social media, it is all more that one can handle - even if it is perfectly understandable. I'd probably start off dong the same.

When you add to that it is your first serious relationship and you suffer depressions and anxiety I think you would be having a realy terible time. First relationship does not mean only relationship. These are others who agree with you abut kids and just as nice.

I do not know your ex-BF, or his reasons for breaking off. They well be, as you say, he simply does not want kids, some people don't. From the intensity with whch you write here I'm sure he would have been aware of the depth of feeling you had for him.

Maybe he felt it was best for you to harbor no unrealistic expectations

He may have felt breaking off might change your mind, unlikely as it is so important. Then again if he was simply unsure and following the lead of friends, to do so when he knew how much anguish breaking off was going to give you would show disregard for the whole relationship.

I'm not sure there is much you can do about him. As you know very well it takes two for a good relationship and now there is only you.

The one thing you can control is how you cope. Checking and hoping all the time simply prolongs the unhappiness. May I ask if you have medical support for your depression and anxiety? I found I simply got worse until I did.

Family and freinds can be a great support too. Is there anyone you can be with that will care about you and want to help? Facing this all alone is extra hard.

Can I suggest looking after yourself, whch includes exercise, healthy eating, good rest and doing things you enjoy. The last is very important as it gives you something to look forward to each day.

I use books and movies, what might you like?

Looking after yourself also means not being more isolated than you absolutely have to be in the current virus restrictions. Social activity helps, it may take a great deal of resolve to start, but gets easier quickly.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[medea]

Thank you for your kind reply.

I didn't have enough characters to tell the whole story but I just wanted to add during weeks after our breakup, we were still seeing each other, spending time together and even sleeping together. It obviously gave me hopes all the more as he admitted several times that he missed me and still had feelings. He basically said that his head told him he made the right decision (breaking up because of kids) but his heart told him otherwise and it was hard for him to let go.

I initiated the no contact period because I found out he was going on dates with other girls. He clearly regretted it and told me nothing happened with any of those girls and that he did that because he missed me and needed to fill the void.

He contacted me again after 30 days of no contact and apologized for what he had done, saying he missed my presence and offering friendship. I told him I wanted to see him again but that I still had feelings for the moment, so itd be hard for me to just be friends. He said he understood and insisted he was there for me if I needed him.

I also have to confess than during the no contact period, after 3 weeks of no news, I started spying on him at his house. I just wanted to check if he had someone new. I didn't see any new girl with him even after spying several times and everytime I did, I saw him alone at his place playing video games, but after he contacted me the last time (a week ago), he suddenly started going on WhatsApp way more often than before and changed his profile picture last night. I freaked out and went to spy on him again and this time, he wasnt there (he came back at 11pm on a Sunday night). I suspect again he has started seeing another girl and it's truly hurting me. I'm staying with a friend at the moment and she's supporting and advising me but I don't know how I will cope if my ex is with someone else for sure. I would cross my fingers it's just a rebound if my suspicions are proven true.

I really feel like I'm losing it and don't see it getting better as long as he decides not to get back together as a couple.

[Guest_3256]

Hi friend.

Glad that you are reaching out to the forum for support - especially in this time.
From reading your article, I imagine that you would be feeling intense emotions, confusions, anger and possibly some sort of betrayal.
I believe that the most important thing for you to realise are how important and wonderful person that you are.
You need to give yourself some self-compassion, especially for this situation.
As hard as it may sound, this person in your life made their decision for themselves and you are not the problem or the outcome of their behaviour - thus they need to take responsibility for their actions.
You know what you want - someone who loves you.....and wants to build a committed relationship with you....including a family and children.
Focus on you - right down what things you want from a relationship and put in some actions.
may be even go out on some dates, focus on you mental and physical wellness and connect socially with others.
Social networking increases brain activity and happiness - tell yourself that you are a great person and deserve someone better for you.

Smile and love yourself every day.

🙂

[Deckt]

Hi medea,

The pain that you are going through is very evident. I am truly sorry for that.

But, to be very and somewhat painfully honest, quite a few of the things you describe are pretty alarming. Some of the actions that you have described border on stalking, and could potentially put you at legal risk, not to mention ending any possibility of reconciling with him if he were to discover them. Think for a moment of how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

I'm also concerned by comments like "I resigned myself to wait for him to change his mind both about us and kids." That doesn't really demonstrate that you respect his opinions - it seems clear that you both have clear, considered and completely incompatible opinions on children. Yes, he's young...ish. If he was sixteen, and said he never wanted kids, that's something that could reasonably change over time. You describe him as late-twenties. That's old enough and mature enough to know for sure. Apart from anything else, if you reconcile with him, knowing that he is (at best) ambivalent about children, you are setting yourself up for disappointment further down the road.

Please take some time to take care of yourself, and figure out what you want. Assume that he will never change his mind about wanting children. Can you live with that? I'm sensitive to the fact that he is your first relationship, and that is always special. But I promise you, there will be other people. It just sounds like you're not right for each other, and that's 100% ok. But please, for your sake, as well as his, give him some space. Stop spying on him. And maybe talk to your GP about getting some help for the anxiety and depression.

Hugs, Dt

[Guest_3256]

Deckt.

You are entitled to your opinion, however, pointing out negative points in regards to the post is not necessarily helpful. The Poster has every right to do what they feel is necessary to help them improve their situation and to point out that they were 'stalking' their partner, is not relevant. It is not illegal to be suspicious of a partner who could possibly be breaching relationship boundaries. They have doubts about trusting their partner's motives and they have every right to investigate their concerns of possible infidelity. Keep in mind that infidelity is not acceptable behavior and it is also emotional abuse. Stay true and positive.

[Deckt]

Jsua,

I'm sorry, but I disagree. They are NOT in a relationship. He broke it off, and she initiated a no-contact period. Therefore "infidelity" is not an issue. Neither is "emotional abuse". People are allowed to end relationships. Spying through someone's windows when it has been made clear that the relationship is over is not right, no matter how much someone is hurting.

Imagine the genders were reversed, and tell me you'd feel the same, and I'll issue a full retraction and apology. Imagine a man, following his ex around, looking through her windows, checking to see if she's seeing someone else, believing that she belongs to him even though she broke up with him. Does that still sound ok to you?

I feel for the OP, but let's not excuse unacceptable behaviour, regardless of who is perpetrating it.

Peace, Dt.

[ecomama]

Hi medea

I am truly sorry for your broken heart. It's such a hard time. I agree with all the look after yourself advice and I'm really glad to hear you could stay with a friend. Great friends can hold our hands through times like these, they are really important for our recovery.

If you ever wanted children then your ex is not that person to have them with. He may be 60 when he decides to have children, older even, who knows, he may never ever want them. He said so, it's time to believe him.

What I do know is that constantly thinking of him will be a habit to wean yourself off of. Even if you can do SOME thing and you are distracted for a moment, then build on this. Over time it gets to be a longer time but no matter what he does in the future, it would be best for you not to know.

I know you have missed ex but you can't follow him or visit his house anymore, not NC at all. If I was your gf I would be FREAKING out right now, worried that you could be charged. At best you will be more full of thoughts and ideas (real or otherwise) about ex. At worst you could face charges and be labelled by ex and anyone else who finds out as bad things.

CRY IT OUT. Scream on a walk somewhere. Do anything but go near ex. Do real NC and that means no online stalking either.

Now great things for you. It's really time to plan some post-covid adventures. You could grab a loose leaf folder and FILL IT FULL of photos of places you may want to see, ESP in Australia atm lol. Activities you need to CRAM into your life before meeting your next boyfriend. Really DO every little thing you have wanted to do. Be in a hurry to do things. You will be amazed at what happens, the fun you will have and the fun people you will meet.

Your man will WANT children with you. There won't be any angst about it. It will feel natural and not pressured. He's out there. Hold hope.

xxxxEM