Losing a new love of your life I thought was permanent after already losing my wife to disease.

Macand · ‎01-12-2016

My wife died several years ago and almost 2 years later I bonded with a beautiful lady who had recently lost her husband to similar circumstances. We both have kids. At first I helped her deal with grief and support. It was a beautiful friendship which developed after a while to romance. I was gentle with her and was patient as I wanted her to be sure. It was beautiful for a few years and we have been very supportive to each other and had no problem talking about our partners we lost and could talk about dark days together. The problem is I fell deeply in love and she couldn't move through properly and share our love with her old and dear friends. I have been treating it as a beautiful relationship for several years which I wanted to be everlasting but it appears she has only treated it like an affair secretly behind her friends and family. She would still arrange social nights with old friends but couldn't include me which over time has hurt me deeply. I kept getting signs the relationship would blossom but yet again she couldn't include me publically. This finally came to ahead and she has felt to end it. I know she has probably delayed ending it because she didn't want to hurt me and I have probably hung on too long as I didn't want it to end and only really tortured myself by hanging on. I have been distraught as I still love her but she wants to move on and wants to date again which tears me up. Does anyone have the same or worked through this situation?

pipsy · ‎01-12-2016

Hi Macand. Welcome here and I'm so sorry for your hurt. You invested so much time into supporting this lady and she appears to be grateful for your support. However, it also appears you weren't on the same page emotionally as she wanted something other than what you wanted. Your love for her blossomed out of helping her through her dark times and she seems grateful for this. However she is now ready to move on, apparently minus you. This naturally hurts as you have been there all the time. The fact that she seemed to want to keep you out of her 'public' life is quite confusing to you as there doesn't seem to be any reason for it. Did you ever discuss your feelings with her? Was she aware that you loved her so much. Your grief and the children who needed help because of loss of parents was the original common link, was there any other common links. As hard as it seems, you have to accept her decision and put it down to lack of communication and not being on the same page.

Lynda

Nikkir · ‎01-12-2016

Hi Macand,

Thank you so much for taking the time and having the courage to reach out. I feel very sad and I understand how it must be hurtful to have had such a beautiful and meaningful connection with this lady and then falling in love with her and she would not include you in her world. You both shared similar experiences and such a deep bond. I have had a similar experience in not being included as the person forgot to mention he already had someone and a family so I can relate to that feeling to a great degree and in fact it still makes me angry ( not good advice). I really feel for you having been through so much and then this happening but you sound like such a lovely caring person and genuine so maybe meeting her at that time was a good thing for your healing and now its time to let go and do whatever it is you want to do for yourself. I know its easier said than done but what choice do you have if she wants to see other people and won't include you in her life. I would be grateful for the time together and wish her well and get busy doing things I like or just busy. It doesn't have to be going and finding someone else, just doing things for you because you want to. I wish I had a magic wand but I really feel you will come through this and find peace and happiness. You can always ring us on 1300 22 4636 and let us know how you are going or chat online, we would love to hear from you. Take care and best wishes

Nikkir x

Macand · ‎02-12-2016

Thank you nikkir. Yes it's hard to not be angry as I think of all the little white lies she told to keep it from others and denied even being in a relationship to some. It just hurts.

I appreciate your reply.

Macand · ‎02-12-2016

Thanks Lynda. Yes I told her probably too often how much I loved her. Maybe I was too clingy but she wouldn't move on and told white lies to me and people about us and denied to people she was even in a relationship. It's quite cruel and I hope my anger and disappointment passes.

pipsy · ‎02-12-2016

Hi Macand. I hate saying this, but it sounds as though you came along at a time when she needed something to support her through her dark times. The fact that she was not interested in building a relationship with you should have been made quite clear. I'm so sorry for your hurt and betrayal, it's hard to understand how people can use other people but it does happen and the hurt we feel from the betrayal often makes it harder to trust someone else. Perhaps you were too 'clingy', but she should've been honest. I also hope that as time goes your feelings of anger and disappointment fades. If you need to talk, our helpline is there for support 24/7.

Lynda