Long distance relationship but I'm scared

[Tiger101]

I met my partner 5 years ago, it all happened very fast and we fell so involve, for the first year we lived together and it was perfect. He was given a job travelling around Australia and I was so proud of him. Unfortunately it came to an abrupt end when he was diagnosed with cancer and had to come home so we could do his treatment, it was a very hard time for me in my life and whilst laying in the hospital bed he was offered another position in a mine 20 hours from me, of course he took it as he always does and once he left hospital he was gone almost straight away and I felt very alone after going through the cancer together then being left to myself. He has always wanted me to move up there with him but I was so frightened because it was such a small town away from my whole family however we talked and we were almost ready for me to move which I felt I had no say in, when he decided that he would apply for another job 2 hours from where I lived, I thought it was perfect even though I was upset that I had no say in this place we would live either but I was so excited for us to be closer to home. He has now told me that the job is going to move him to Victoria and if offered a position he will move there without considering my feelings about the move yet again. I have now fell for my best friend, she has been there for me throughout everything and has admitted to me that she loves and I love her too, but I love my partner so much and have always pictured our lives together. I feel as though she however wants the same things that I do, to start a family, to be close to home and she wants to be together. But I love my partner so much and we have been through so much together, I go back and forth everyday about who to be with and I am so scared of hurting either of them.

I don't really know what our life would be like together because I haven't moved to try but each time I do another location comes into play. I feel like I can be more myself with her but I feel so happy when im around him he makes me get out of my comfort zone and takes me everywhere around the world to experience.life and his personality is contagious.

I think I am involve with two people at once but I don't know who to choose. I need help because I can't do this to either of them anymore they are both so perfect that they both deserve to be happy

please help me this is ruining my life.

[MissBenthos]

Hi tiger,

Have you heard of polyamory before? It’s ethical non-monogamy - multiple relationships at the same time.

I was once in your position, feeling like I had to choose between 2 people I loved. But the truth is there are other options than what our culture feeds us as “real” relationships. No relationship structure is right or wrong, but they should be made by informed choice rather than dictated to us by society.

I’m not saying this will be a quick fix for everything but it might be worth your consideration. If it is in fact something you would like to pursue my recommendation would be to take things VERY slow to begin with. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea so even if you do feel that totally works for you, it may not be something the 2 people you love want also, it’s very much about open communication.

[MissBenthos]

Also (even if polyamory is not your thing) there’s a book called “stepping off the relationship escalator”, I would recommend for you. It discusses the idea that we form our relationships on what works for us, not just because it’s tradition. The idea that a relationship has to go dating > buying house > marriage > babies. That pattern doesn’t have to be followed. In your case where you are being dragged around the country to be with your love - is that really what you want? Because it is ok to live separately but continue the relationship. You might find someone who is better suited to living with - it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.