Lonely at 40

[Cucuboth]

Hi,

I'm new here, and was actually directed here by Lifeline. So, anyway, I'm 40, and I'm lonely. That's putting it mildly I guess, since I've never had friends. I don't even have any friends online. There's just nobody to talk to, outside of doctors, therapist, and my mental health case manager, and of course I can only talk to them between 9 and 5 on a weekday, and they can't do anything about the loneliness really. Like I said, I don't have friends. I can't even remember the last face-to-face conversation I had with someone who wasn't being paid to talk to me. I've never had a real relationship, just a few online ones where I ended up finding out they were still their supposed ex's. I only met one, and she laughed that I thought our relationship was real. So, I'm 40, and still a virgin. I've never held hands, or hugged, or had my first kiss. People seem to find that funny. It's all a bit of a joke because everyone else just takes all that for granted. I've always been told that if I want any of that, I'll have to go and pay for it. Another joke that people always seem to find amusing. Nobody has ever even tried to touch me. Do you know what that's like? To not know what affectionate human touch feels like? To not know what a conversation is like? To not have ever had any good social experiences? They all end in rejection, humiliation, and more isolation. I've done volunteer work, and that just made things worse because I was treated the same was as always, ignored until I did something, and then yelled at for doing it wrong. I've been to anxiety and depression groups, and found nobody there to talk with. I've been to the Men's Shed, and found it was just all elderly men, so I had nobody there to connect with either. I tend to find most things my therapist and case manager send me to are for elderly people. It seems like loneliness isn't taken very seriously in Australia, or that it is only an issue for the elderly. If you're 40, you're not supposed to be lonely. I go to bowling, to a walking group, and an art therapy group, but there's nobody there who wants to talk with me. I've tried groups from meetup.com, with equally no success. And now of course, at this time of year everything is winding down. I just don't fit in anywhere. I'm just so lonely, it's an actual physical pain, and I just can't stand it anymore. Nobody seems to take me seriously, and I just want the loneliness to end.

[Croix]

Dear Cucuboth (& the resourceful Jane Austen)

Jane your mention of your uni course reminded me about a most important part of my life. When I was invalided out of the police with stress related disorders I was completely overwhelmed. One of the things that helped pull me back together was a course of study. Although it took some getting used to I found the structure, contact with others (of all sexes) and occupation involved in the course changed my life immeasurably for the better.

Perhaps that might be a consideration too Cucuboth?

My best wishes to you both

Croix

[Nikkir]

Hi Cucuboth,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it:) I really feel for you and hope that you find the peace and love you are looking for, I really hear what you are saying and understand that this must be frustrating and lonely and at times sad and depressing. I love that you keep trying and have tried different things. I am sorry that you had a bad experience with lifeline, I understand that to, I have had times in my life where I have reached out to different lines and felt judged or not distressed enough to listen to, or not heard and understood. It shouldn't be that way. I too have tried online dating so briefly because it just stresses me out and scares me and most of the time people weren't genuine or were not looking for real friendship. All I can say is keep up with the therapy, make sure its the right therapy and that you are getting something out of it. Maybe write a list of what you are looking for in a friend / relationship and then think where and how this person might be found. I too am yet to do this but I loved the idea above with the anonymous letter but it wouldn't be my sort of thing and yes could be a bit dangerous. I try to do things for myself that I like that make me feel good or I enjoy, the other day I went paddle boarding, I met a girl through the "red tent' group I joined, I may have mentioned it. Anyway, it was good to try something new and get out of my comfort zone. Please keep trying, as I tell myself as well. You are not alone and please keep in contact if this feels right for you. Wishing you all the best and hoping for a more fulfilling year next year. Nikkir x

[Cucuboth]

Thanks for the reply Jane Austen and Croix,

I have been to University, and also done TAFE and Community College courses. None of them were good experiences. Just more rejection, humiliation, and isolation. Like all groups I seem to go to. And the bullying was there, as always, and once one person starts then others join in, if not verbal and physically, then emotionally (ie: being ignored and avoided), and it all becomes just another place I don't enjoy going to, but just have to go from there to home, from there to home, with no enjoyable social activities or anyone to be with or talk with. Maybe one day I would go back to study. Actually I would like to. But I need ... well, I need friends, a connection with someone, physical contact ... before I think about going back in to that again.

[Cucuboth]

Hi Nikkir,

I don't know what the right therapy might be for me. Most therapy I have been to has been cognitive therapy, and that doesn't seem to work for me. I've also tried somatic therapy, and that really wasn't for me. Meditating and yoga type stuff also doesn't do anything to help ease the loneliness. I've done the list thing before, and that whole place a picture of something you want somewhere you see it frequently, and all of that kind of stuff. I don't meet anyone online. I don't know where or how others do it, but for me, it just doesn't seem to happen. Just like in 'real life', but online .. well, I guess it should be easier, but I've never found it so. Never seem to find anyone who wants to try.

[optimusprimus]

After reading all the comments above, Cucuboth - you're self-talk is very negative and defeating. I would suggest working on becoming more aware of your thoughts and the relationship you have with yourself. If you're relationship with yourself is full of negative thought energy, of course you are going to feel the way you do/did. I recommend reading the book "Power of Now - Ekhart Tolle", and starting there.

I too am 40 and often feel lonely. Although I have had intimate relationships, it's worse because now I know what I don't have. But my relationship with myself is healthy and my mental chatter is positive and optimistic. I try to excersize frequently and stay healthy and fit. It's the 'ol mind/body/spirit thing. If all these 3 things are in sync, you're golden.

Since your original post was many years ago, I sincerely hope you're doing well. Marco