loneliness and loss of emotional connection

[Guest_19936700]

Hi, 

My husband and I have been married for over 7 years and he has been working interstate since the middle of last year. While he isn't technically working as a Fly in, Fly out worker, his schedule is such that he does fly home on some of his time off. The arrangement settled around 6 months ago, to currently 5 weeks away, 3-4 days back. In the beginning of this arrangement, the longest period was 8 weeks. 

To say his absence has been felt is an understatement. We have shared most of our marriage living together, sharing the highs and lows of life. We don't have any children, but two dogs who live with me and who (aside from a couple of close friends who know about the situation) are all I have here. His move to this new position was for two reasons. He needed/wanted to upskill in his current industry and this move gave him the opportunity to do so through employment. The pay increase has also helped support my ability to complete a degree which entails 1000 hours of unpaid work-I'm sure you could probably guess.

When we first discussed the option of him moving, it was felt painful to think about, but ultimately was necessary to help support us achieve when we needed to and support us. Now that time has passed, I have found myself incredibly lonely. I exercise almost 6 days per week, I'm still working one day per week while I finish writing a thesis, and get to see 2-3 friends outside of this every 1-2 weeks. Maybe it's being at home completing the study and the isolation that comes with that, or perhaps it's something more, but I miss him being physically present (I honestly miss SOMEONE being physically present). We talk everyday on the phone, but I am missing that connection. I feel an overwhelming need to connect with people, I go to the gym to exercise and be around people. I feel resentful of our current situation and there are no plans to currently to change that. I love him, he's my best friend, but I feel like I can't connect with him (when he comes home, it takes me a day or so to switch back to being his wife, not someone independent. It feels like I am single most of the time, it's the only way I can describe it. It makes me feel sad, and lonely and depressed.

There is A LOT of context missing from this, but I don't know, I needed to share it with someone. The lack of intimacy, of closeness, of sharing a life is something I really miss and I have no real way forward on how to deal with this. Your thoughts or ideas are appreciated!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, a pretty erosive situation indeed and most unusual but purposeful I can see why it developed towards a financial benefit.

One sentence stuck out for me "I feel resentful of our current situation and there are no plans to currently to change that."  All partnerships need 1,3,5,10 year plans and these plans when mentioned frequently to each other help bind you both as those years or month become less. Even plans on how you spend some holidays is crucial to mental health. I can say that I was a financial disaster in my 20's and went 7 years without a break, in my annual holidays I'd drive a taxi!! That came back to bite me years later as burn out was seemingly ongoing. We need rest and a marriage needs fun times together. So that annual/6 monthly plan can save you from these lonely times plus "darling its only 12 months to go and I'll get my degree" - you can see the picture. 

The other thought I had was you travelling to his location rather than him to yours, he's likely tired and the trip might also invigorate you.

Your comment "but I feel like I can't connect with him (when he comes home, it takes me a day or so to switch back to being his wife, not someone independent"  this is a sure sign of the level of unacceptability of this situation. I've offered some ideas to cushion the work situation but really, I dont think many marriages would endure such separation which probably tells you a lot. IMO I'd seriously look at this and try to get him back home into another job. But thats me. I hope I've helped and reply anytime.

TonyWK