Living with in-laws and getting depressed

[G-Karen]

A bit of context. I have been married 9 months and was dating my husband for 9 years. Coming from an indian background, it wasn't culturally appropriate for us to live/travel together until marriage. So finally, after waiting many years to achieve career goals, we got married. And boy has it been the biggest change of my life. My husband built a big family home a few years ago, so I live with him, his parents and his sibling. It has been an incredible challenge for me and I'm not sure if my depression is due to my own issues or partly due to our living arrangements. he is convinced they are my own issues. We would love to move out, but we cannot afford it as we have this mortgage.

The first few months were great, I know his family well and it was awesome just being together. But over the past few months, life has thrown some curve balls - grandparent passed away, both our dads had massive health scares and we both started new jobs. Suddenly I find myself suffocating at his house. I can't escape his family to have my own space, and I don't have the emotional privacy to deal with everything. HIs family is great and all, however I am just craving some control. I am beginning to feel like this isn't the home of my husband and I, I feel like another child being told what to do by parents and my role is just to slip into their way of living and just be okay with it. It is like being on a reality TV show called family swap!

I have to act like everything is awesome when I step outside our bedroom and laugh and joke like everything is fine with his family. I am not comfortable showing what I am really feeling around them and I am struggling to have the privacy to talk to my husband about everything openly because I fear they will know something is going on. This is really affecting our marriage. He can't understand why I can't just try harder to make this place work for me - because we can't financially afford to buy another place and he won't compromise to rent somewhere. When I first had a few breakdowns, he was understanding, but not anymore. he's just over it and thinks I'm being dramatic. I had a breakdown tonight and he left me crying in the bathroom and went to sleep. I am sleeping in his sisters room now and all I want to do is scream, or run off a cliff or do something horribly drastic.

I am so depressed. I dread coming home, I stay at work till late on purpose. Pretending like everything is awesome is getting exhausting.

What do I do?

[Touille]

Dear Karen,

Welcome to the forum.

I dated an Indian girl for 18months who was still living at home. Her parents hardly let her go anywhere, I think why our relationship never worked out is because she was happy to be free and independent at 28 when she finally left home and India.

I completely understand you, any couple need their own space and privacy regardless of background.

Have you thought of moving out temporarily to try any give your husband a message, rent your own place? He should realize than that he must put you first.

Hugs,

Touille

[white knight]

Hi

I can't add anything to these amazing replies. Here us a thread you can Google

Topic: in-laws the best approach beyondblue

Tony WK

[Homebound1984]

I don't know why but I really feel I relate strongly to your post.

3 years ago I decided to move in with bf in the family home (chinese) with the belief it will help me economically till I get a better job. I got a better job but bf didnt want me to move out anymore.

We do have plans to build our own house but I am dying each day that house is not being built

Everyone at home is marvellous and kind and loving - cant complain. But I guess it really is the lack of control that makes me just wanna lock myself up in the room. I am turning into a huge liability. I love being sick cause then I can pretend I am contagious so no one comes near me and I finally have my own peace. But it is very trapping.

This is paralyzing. I buy ready to eat food so I can just eat in the room away from everydbody else. This isnt normal.

I need help.

Homebound1984

[Croix]

Dear Homebound1984~

I see that this is your post number 1, so please feel welcome here in the Forum. As you have already seen many here have tales similar to yours, and the answer is never easy.

You may have read my response to G-Karen in which I mentioned my parents had to be right out of the equation for my wife and I to lead a full and happy life. It sounds to me that you too are in that trap, even if to outward appearances it is "marvelous kind & loving".

Being with your BF and the money side are all well and good, but shutting yourself away is a terrible way to be. Not fair to you, not fair to your BF. You need a home of your own, and if your BF has enough love and common sense he will help make it happen. Having a house of your own is a great ideal - but not at the expense of everything now.

I say everything because I have a suspicion things will not improve and in time the relationship will suffer badly.

Is it possible to tell your BF how you feel, making sure he realizes the deep effect it is having on you? Then discuss alternatives.

While I'm talking to you could I suggest you start a thread of your own, perhaps in Relationship and family issues? Being in this thread is fine, but not many will see you here and thus will not be able to interact with you as a result.

If you have not already done so please also have a look at the general information threads pinned at the start of Welcome and orientation.

All this is nothing to worry about, it's just we would like to see you get the widest number of people offering their experiences, that's what this place is here for.

I look forward to talking with you again

Thanks

Croix

[Asitis]

Hi Karen,

I would like to share with you my story and I think i can relate well with your story being from an Indian background, married to someone I love and his parents live with us because of the indian mentality that indian parents ( son's parents) live with their son. They are old have been with him before even though he bought his own home. He obviosully does not mind it because it seem to be his responsibility to look after his parents. However me ( independent, full time working professional) does not seem to be able to adjust with them in the same house. They gave us some space went back to india for few months after our marriage but the thought of them comming back depresses me. I can totally relate to what you say - you dont even have the freedom to express your emotions. My husband understands and tells me that things will be ok but lets see if they really can be ok for me?

How is your situation now? We think of extending out home for some privacy but I dont know...I dont feel it like my " home" with them around, sharing the kitchen and not having enough space to even talk or behave with my husband i normally would. Best wishes, this is a really tuff situation and I somehow try to think positive but cant. I did not go to work today because of this depression and sometimes dont even want to get up from bed. There are times when I think I will put my foot down and tell them I cant do this anymore..

Just holding up for my husband...lets see where it takes me.

Look after yourself. Its really not worth stressing over others, it will only age you. I am thinking of a solution, hope you can too. Would love to hear from you.

[Rimk]

Hi Karen

I can relate your myself 100% when I was reading your post. I have recently got married and I am due to have my baby next month. I got pregnant in the same month of marriage and have been going through the roller coaster of emotions throughout the time. This is my 2nd marriage and I have been living independently from 8 years. I adapted Australian culture and now my Inlaws are typical Indians and follows Indian culture strictly. My husband has been supportive most of times but he loves pampering from parents when they treat him like a kid. Infact, his parents want to treat me the same way like they are doing to him. Which is frustrating for me. I crave control, responsibilities. I have taken my own decision whereas now decisions are taken by whole family. Sometimes I am not even the part of it. Btw I have sister in law who lives near us and is the organisers of everything that happens in our house. The only difference between you and me is I can’t hide anger and everything is visible from my expressions. I stop talking to anyone when I get frustrated, I hate doing it but I can’t pretend. I am sure things are going to get even worse after the baby comes because my MIL has shown and will show that I am not being a good mother and is unable to take care of the baby. Sometimes I fail to understand if everybody is really nice around me or are just pretending. Sometimes I feel may be I am in a wrong place. I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I don’t want to leave my husband but also can’t live in the same situation forever

[Croix]

Dear Rimk~

Welcome here to the Forum, where you can see you are not alone with this problem. I'd imagine it is pretty common what people have different cultural expectations.

Those 8 years alone will have emphasized your success in being self reliant and shouldering the responsibilities needed to deal wiht your life. To go into an environment where you no longer have those freedoms must seem like you are being treated as a child by others who have assumed the role of 'adult'.

Having a husband still being spoiled by parents is not always a good thing, it makes it hard to leave the nest for one thing, and can even sap the will to do so.

I guess in life every person needs a partner that puts them and their children first, otherwise one can simply end up feeling like an outsider.

So I'd think your husband has a difficult job ahead of him, to prove to you that you - and the child when it arrives - are first in his life. Part of that is getting the rest of his family to tone down their dominating actions.

I'm sure they would have good intent and can think from their own experiences how their methods have worked well in other families, however they are now faced wiht an individual who sees things from a different perspective, and I would think might need to adapt themselves, rather than just expecting others to adapt to them.

Do you think it is possible to have discussions with your MIL & FIL (but maybe not your SIL as yet) abut this? While they may have the best of intentions if they see their actions are driving you away they may be receptive

I'd be glad if you were able to talk more about this

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Rimk

It occurs to me you might like to start your own thread in:

Forums / Multicultural experiences

where there may be others, of varying backgrounds, who can also share their similar experiences of managing family boundaries.

If you are unsure about making a new thread please see:

Forums / Welcome and orientation / The forum FAQ thread

Don't hesitate to sing out if you have difficulties

Thanks

Croix

[james1]

Hello Rimk,

Welcome to the forums and I'm very glad you found your way here.

You have described really well about your struggles with your husband's family's cultural clash with your own values. I am of Chinese heritage and I also struggle deeply with this. It is very interesting that you talk about them treating him like a kid, because I actually came across that yesterday too. My aunt was like, "she (my sister) will always be your mui mui" which translates as little sister, in kind of a cutesy affectionate way. I dunno. To me, she's a grown 20 year old and it feels patronising to call her that.

Anyway, it certainly sounds like you feel really out of place and that sounds really tough. In my own family, I also don't pretend but I guess I try to just respectfully disagree and walk away from any escalating confrontations. There are things I've had to let go of and miss out on, but I think it has worked out for the best, as we can all still be ourselves, but still co-exist peacefully.

I think it is hard sometimes to deal with the in-laws, but as Croix suggested, if they are open to a proper discussion then maybe that might be a good way to gain better understanding for all of you. But if you are concerned about family integrity, then I think it's worthwhile having a chat to your husband first. What are his thoughts on the situation?

James