Living with a Borderline narcissist mother

[BlueBorder]

Hi I’ll apologise upfront for the length of this post but I’m hoping to find someone in the same situation as me. I’m married with a child in my mid 30s and have a very volatile relationship with my mum to say the least. She has many mental health problems but refuses to seek help. As a child, I grew up in a violent home with lots of screaming and some physical violence but not towards me. I believe this has left me with anxiety of loud noises. My mother always told me all about her problems, from her mother to her work issues and my father and their relationship (they’re still married). When I got to high school my mum was always upset that I would spend time with my friends and not her, this has continued into adulthood.

My mum has regularly sent me texts basically unloading all of her issues with me often when I’m at work and she knows I’m at work. Whenever I receive these texts it completely ruins my day. The texts usually come about from something she perceives I have done wrong. For example if I dare tell my dad I love him and I don’t say the same to her. I’m here writing this as they often cross the line, the latest being this week when she has sent 7 texts within 2 days saying things like she never wants to see me again, she wants everyone to know she hates me, I’m a despicable human being and that I’m the nastiest person on earth. Prior to these texts I had sent her text wishing her a happy birthday. I think this is emotional abuse and it’s not the first time she has been awful to me. I have attempted to set boundaries with her that included a request that she not just show up at my house. I did this as when she does show up she stays for hours and if I say I’m busy or need to do something or have plans, I get the above kind of text messages or passive aggressive ones saying she knows I don’t have time for her and she won’t bother me ever again. Anyway after setting this boundary she showed up at our house drunk so I guess my point is that I don’t feel as though setting boundaries work.

She has also contacted all of my friends behind my back if we’ve had a disagreement to tell them her side of the story because she thinks that I talk about her to them which I don’t until they contact me to tell me what she’s said to them.

What do I do? I have honestly tried everything, including seeing a psychologist with her which she took nothing from and went back to her bad behaviour quickly.

Thanks for reading my essay!

[white knight]

There is a common term now called "gaslighting". It refers to a movie of decades ago whereby someone controls another so effectively the victim feels like they're going insane...the objective!

Nowadays the term is used more loosely. I'm not suggesting your mum is gaslighting you however if you do research on Google about it you will know if it's happening, that your thoughts are being challenged so she can have control.

I truly believe your boundaries is your answer. For example- contacting your friends "behind your back". She can try to justify that by making you feel guilty e.g. " because you're talking to them about me".

That can make you feel guilty right?...why? Because she is insinuating it's the wrong thing to do. In fact it's the normal thing to do. It's your right to discuss anything to anybody (unless you talk to her friends to discredit /harm her).

Finally, in my case I became convince of my mother's illness when a friend told me to Google

Queen witch hermit waif

Rarely do such people respond to professional treatment. So to preserve my sanity and future I terminated my relationship with my mother.

TonyWK

[Miahland]

Hi, I just read your post and there are so many parallels and similarities to my own experience with my mother, my relationship to her and history with her has always been the most difficult and all consuming aspect of my life, I'm also in my mid 30s and have a two year old, I was hoping maybe we could talk more, it's been an alienating experience and I was hoping the birth of my child would be a chance to redefine and maybe rework my relationship with her but it's very hard as I'm coming to terms with how unwell she is, she has bpd and a lot of trauma from her childhood, I see a therapist once a fortnight and pretty sure I have ptsd from growing up with a volatile, moody mother who also would tell me all her problems have no boundaries with me and have frequent explosive range and anger towards me not doing enough for her, choosing my friends over her etc etc. Lemme know if you would like to get in touch 

Cheers,

Miah