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Living together for first time

Guest_342
Community Member

Hi everyone,

My partner has just moved in. I've lived alone for many years and am used to doing things my way and having my own space and choice as to what I do and when I do it. After a long period of a long distance relationship, he has now moved to my city and into my place. I went into it feeling optimistic and was aware that I need to conromise and be welcoming so he feels like it is his home too.

However, we'd not so much as gone on a holiday together before so this is a big jump to a full time live-in arrangement. He got rid of most of his furniture and changed jobs to make the move. It's an amazing gesture on his part.

I am finding myself being easily irritated in our first week and struggling to feel attraction at the moment. One thing that has caused a lot of grieg yesterday and today is that I am not used to sharing my bed, so I am used to having silence. He has tended to sleep on his side facing the middle of the bed (i.e. in my direction). He tends to breathe through his mouth so it can be noisy. I thought for a long while how I can respectfully ask him to roll the other way without upsetting him. Eventually I gained the courage to politely ask him. He asked why so I said I am not ised to someone else's breathing and it is in my ear and a bit loud for me. He then said, "Ok... I'll hold my breath or mouth breathe this way." This morning, I asked how his sleep was, as I always do, and he said he hadn't slept all night because of what I said and that he became self conscious.

I think he thought I was implying that he is particularly noisy. I tried to explain that anyone lying next to me might have the same effect while I am adjusting.

This morning, as he was getting ready for work, he made a few comments that he was sleepy and would try to get through the day. He didn't ask how I was (I didn't sleep either, as I felt that I had said something demoralising and hurtful). He hasn't really asked how I am at all this week, despite him knowing this is an incredibly hard adjustment for me.

Did I go about this the wrong way? Is this kind of bickering normal for the first week? I can't help but have doubts, but feel stuck because he gave so much up for me.

18 Replies 18

Hello Guest_342, thanks for getting back to us.

If you are able to improve your sleeping arrangements will help you, because if you aren't able to, then you'll start to regret not doing it during the day and then get to bed much later than you want or start sleeping on the couch.

I hope it improves for you.

My best.

Geoff.

shadow49
Community Member
I will speak plainly , probably not what you want to hear.
I believe you moved far to quickly into this relationship.
Take a step backwards, go on a holiday and then review the predicament you are in

Hi shadow,

Thank you for your input.

I should have given some additional context - we started seeing each other in Jan 2020 and, when permitted by state covid19 responses, we travelled back and forth for short periods. Though, we have not yet spent an extended time together - it was generally under two weeks each time. So we developed our relationship in some important ways but not in others.

Sorry, I just wanted to clarify what you meant about your final sentence, too?

Guest_342
Community Member

Thank you kindly, Geoff. You frequently respond to my posts and I do always appreciate your time.

Many apologies if my reply appears to be abrupt.
My observation of situation ,you are not happy.
Better in my humble opinion for him to get his own place and spend coupe nights a week or so and see how that works for you.
This works for me, I enjoy my space alone.

Thank you, shadow. I agree that would have been a good idea - I simply didn't think of it but wish I had. It feels a bit difficult to request that of him, now that all his stuff is moved to my place.

I appreciate your bluntness - sometimes we need it! And I think you are right about my happiness. I am very much someone who is happiest in my own company.

Thank you again.

Living together can be fabulous or bring grief .
Better to be sad on own then living withsome one 24/7 being miserable
And you know something looking forward to seeing that person each week , it's like the honey moon period over and over again and you dont take each other for granted

Fabulous - love this.

I'll see how I go. Everyone here has provided such wonderful comments.