Literally feeling like there's no hope.

[kath92]

Hi all,

new to beyondblue - I have tried everything and am at wits end so thought maybe venting to strangers and hearing other stories might shed some light on my situation.

My baby daddy and I have recently split up - due to my anger, unfaithfulness, lying, drinking and all round abusivness towards him. We have an almost 2 year old who we have shared custody, she lives with me he has her twice a week. He's a wonderful dad and a great man whom I don't want to lose. After our daughter goes to bed I tend to self medicate and have some wine, which I know isn't healthy (for me because I'm starting to abuse it) I find I have suppressed anger from incidents as a child (both my parents are alcoholics) and my failing relationship with my child's father. I am on medication which I feel does Near to nothing for me and another medication for epilepsy although I feel it makes me angry which is strange as it's used as a mood disorder medication. It also makes me so tired and I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Last night I had been drinking and was so angry over bills, not being able to find work.. my ex came over and we chatted and I started getting angry so he left. This made me angrier and I rang him and said "if you don't come back I am going to strangle our daughter". I am so deeply ashamed to even type those words, I am so ashamed to even repeat them and am most certainly never going to hurt my child. I love my daughter so much and I honestly see myself as a great mother. I would NEVER hurt her, can't even imagine doing something so insane as that, but I said it because I was angry, wanting my way and because I am a spoilt BRAT. My ex did cheat on me and I have suppressed feelings about that. I use it against him and in this case I used our daughter against him and I am so disgusted and realise that is it something to throw around and say. I am embarrassed and I hate myself. I say this as I think that's what my problem is? I have OCD, I check my daughter and her breathing every hour... my psychiatrist doesn't listen to me he insists I'm fine but these thoughts or threats to get my way are not normal! I feel crazy 😭😭😭

[geoff]

dearKath, I'm really sorry that your comment has slipped through the cracks, especially because it's a total reflection on how I was, except I never got angry towards anyone else.
Basically I'm an epileptic, have OCD and self medicated with alcohol in depression, so I hope that you still check your thread.
The medication for epilepsy is meant to quieten you down, but as it's doing the opposite then you have it reviewed, however I certainly know how tired it makes you feel, because the normal dosage is 60 mg while I had to take 2400mg per day.
I know your comment to your ex was just out of panic and I know you didn't mean it.
What I suggest you do is contact another psychiatrist/psychologist with the help of your doctor and my preference has always been a psychologist as the experience with a couple of psychiatrist's wasn't satisfactory and most uncomfortable.
There is so much that you are trying to cope with and I know exactly how you feel. Geoff.

[kath92]

Hi Geoff,

thank you for your response and your advice, I really appreciate it. It's comforting as sad as it is to know people are going through similar situations although our seem quite very similar. I won't give up and I'll continue to beat this battle x

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Kath, sounds like things are really stressful for you now. I agree with Geoff, it's really important that you have a psychiatrist or psychologist that you trust and who understands you, and it sounds like this one isn't exactly right for you. I think even seeing a psychologist regularly would help you with a lot of what you're going through with your feelings regarding your drinking and ex. Never, ever give up. Things can and will get better. I really think having a long term plan with a psychologist would really help you.

[kath92]

Thank you x