Life is killing me and i dont have energyorstrength to fight

[Tearsfall]

My partner doesnt drink all the time but when he does he drinks way too much. i keep it all to myself , but have talked to his mum about it

i love him with all my heart and i know he loves me. But he told his mum im possessive ot obsessive and try to control him . She says he needs his space. Well he does what he damn well likes , goes where he wants and if we do anything together he will ask what i want to do . I reply i really dont mind . He makes all the decisions . He controls the money or should i say keeps his money to himself . But i share mine .

I apparently have insecurities and issues. But i told his mum that "my only insecurity or issues" is that when he drinks he drives and that iv given up everything i had to be with him. Of course i worry about his drinking . If thats controlling him ? Im just easy going and relaxed but am offended that this is being said. I just want a good future with him . Is this his way of having control because his mum will always defend him? When i spoke to him about this he said he knows im not obsessive or posessive.

I broke down at work the other day and was sent home. I feel embarrassed and like a fool

im too shy to be a controller and i was just happy to have him in my life

am i just being blamed cause he cant accept he is doing the wrong thing

this stuff about me came up when his mum try to talk to him about his drinking ... it all got turned around on me .

I was told along time ago when people cant accept what they do is wrong they shift focus and place blame on others close to them?

im so exhausted i feel im slowly dying inside and dont have the energy to fight

[Unsure19]

I completely understand how you feel. My partner's father died and his way of dealing with the grief is drinking. He's a big drinker anyway but now it seems out of control. Seems to end in a fight everytime. If I say anything all of a sudden I'm the one with issues. I feel like he is making me crazy. I want to be there for him but it's getting really hard.

[GoodWitch]

Hi Tearsfall,

My brother is a full-blown destructive alcoholic. It is absolutely true that addicts do everything they can to protect their relationship with their chosen drug, up to and including blaming other people for their issues, making up stories, gaslighting (eg telling you you are crazy, it's only a few drinks, not an issue etc), lying etc. If your partner is an alcoholic, it seems that is what he is doing here.

Now I can't say if he is or isn't, but the fact that he drinks & drives is a huge red flag to me. Also you feel strongly enough about it that you've spoken to his mother and enlisted her support, which tells me his drinking is affecting his relationship (red flag again) and that your MIL also has her suspicions, enough to agree with you initially that your partner has a problem (red flag).

The thing with mothers is their instinct to protect their children is stronger than anything else, and they are sometimes too ready to believe a child's lies, even if they know full well they are lies. So if your MIL has turned around and started blaming you...I know it's hard to fathom but that's not about you. It's about her desperation to not confront her son's problems & her loyalty to him.

Have you thought about contacting Al-anon? Their website might help you work out if you are in fact dealing with alcoholism here. They have group meetings too. You've kept your worries to yourself, but now it is time to open up to others who can help

If you are dealing with an alcoholic, in practical terms I suggest you get your finances sorted in a way that protects you. You may consider a separate account you can put some savings into. Sorry if this sounds dire, but my brother once owned 2 houses & now he has nothing, all due to drinking. If your partner is on a downward slide, he can easily take you with him.

First and foremost, work out what you are dealing with and take steps to improve your situation, if your partner will not improve his. The title of your post shows how desperate you've become. Please begin to take care of yourself first.

Best

GW

[Tearsfall]

I know all about wanting to protect your child. But i also know MIL was supporting me and then did a full circle , saying i have issues and he needs his space . I told him he isnt single anymore and everything he does affects me and us as a couple and our kids. His mum doesnt know the half of what goes on .

Its not ok for her to turn it all on me . I have told him i love him dearly and will continue to help and support him but i wont stay where i am made to be a badperson because im not now nor have i ever been . I no longer trust her .

[Tearsfall]

My partner wasnt the one who said i have issues, his mum said it .. told me i need counselling, for what? Supporting her son and being concerned when he drinks too much?

i learned a long time ago . Not to blame others for what you are doing yourself . And i live by it . I have raised my kids the same way.

Im feeling better today . He is the love of my life and i am his . I made it perfectly clear that im not here to be blamed for others doings

[Tearsfall]

Goodwitch i have my own bank account already . He is a spender and im a saver , well i try to be. I have savings at the moment but not much . Whats hard for me is when he hasnt been drinking he is the most beautiful thoughtful caring loving man , but he gets with this one mate who drinks everyday and my partner doesnt know how to say no . This mate of his drinks every day and his family do as well . I have been accused of not wanting him to have friends . My reply was if they are your friends they wont care if you drink water . His other mate well they have 2 or 3 beers and my partner comes home.

So its alot to do with keeping up with this mate who drinks everyday . But my partner says he gets the taste for it. Thats a big warning sign for me. My MIL gave me al-anon number before she turned on me . Im homestly destroyed at the things she said to me. She says one of the things she loves about me is im a straight shooter like her . She also knows he lies . But then it gets turned back on me . Ill try call Al-anon today

[Tearsfall]

Yeah unsure its getting hard for me as well

when i first met him he was a very big drinker . His parents would say to me . You need to get him off the grog. And i had because he had cut right from drinking almost every night to just once a week or fortnight. Things had been so good until he ended up very ill after a big week on the grog . Now im just on edge and worried firstly for him and his health which alcohol isnt helping . The meds and alcohol are a bad conbination , i thought about walking away but i cant , if i give up on him who else will support him

[james1]

Hello tearsfall,

I'm so sad to hear you feel like you've been turned on by your mother in law and your partner. It must be so hard to hear these things said about you when all you've done is try to do the right thing by your partner.

As unsure19 and goodwitch have shown, you are not alone in this situation. There are many others here on the forums who deal with very similar issues, and I imagine AA can help too. Please let us know how that call goes.

I know you worry a lot about him and care a lot, but perhaps it's time to start thinking about turning that attention inward. You have already tried very hard and I can tell you feel exhausted by attempting to help him. But he hasn't changed, and has done things to make it worse.

You said if you give up on him, who else will support him? His mother. And if not her, than he will have to.

You are not, and never will be his last line of defence. He will always be there for himself, just as you need to be there for yourself as well.

As you say, you are very on edge and you feel like you don't have the energy to go on. That is because you are putting it all in a bucket, and he is tipping that bucket straight out. Let's try to change that and put that energy to better use by focusing on how to improve your own life.

You have talked a lot about his mother in law. Do you have any other people you can rely on? Any friends or family who are closer to you than they are to him?

James

[Tearsfall]

Hi James i spoke with my partner last night and said im not sure this is all worth the fight because it feels like its only me who is doing the fighting. He took my hand and said he loves me and apologised and asked did i wanna go to couselling . I asked him did he want me to go , he said he meant we will do it together because he really wants us to be together . But the drinking is an issue but he doesnt see it as a problem. I guess its just wait and see . I also told him i will be living my own life and doing things on my own , not because i dont wanna do things with him but because maybe he will realise how important our relationship is if im not available .

I have my kids who are all adults they are supportive but have their own lives . I do talk to them anout whats going on ,

after talking to my partner i feel better knowing he actually cares what going on