Life can be a little unfair....

[BBUser72]

Hello friends,

I just wanted to share my personal struggles with depression. I feel like I have it under control with regular exercise, eating right, keeping to a routine, making sure I do not get myself in stressful situations, staying in my job and hanging around positive people and friends.

I find a huge part of my depression is situational. I struggle a lot with rejection because as a child, I'd lost relations with family to disputes. Not from me personally but from others and being caught in the middle.

I had this girlfriend who eventually found it more enjoyable to hang out with people she barely knew. Over time, this took a huge toll on me and my depression. Eventually we broke up and it took me a long time to find myself and get better.

After a while, I found myself another really nice girl. She had so much baggage with finances and bad debt that it put a real toll on our fairly new relationship. Eventually it got too much and started causing cracks and eventually broke us up. Again this was something I struggled dealing with.

My closest brother no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was completely surprised by this because I always looked up to him and loved him very much. I decided to space myself from him because it was getting me down so much, later to find he has been pretty nasty towards my parents. Probably a good decision on my part but still hurts.

After all this rejection, I eventually came to terms with everything and found myself on a real even ground. I was no longer angry or emotional about it. Felt I was back in control. I met this really lovely girl who I couldn't believe we had so much in common and were on the same level. I must admit, I fell in love. (I know I talk about these girls like im meeting them easily but they are quite a few years apart. I tend to take a time out, recharge before I get back on the shelf). We started dating for a few months and obviously the relationship became physical and planning for the future was spoken about. One day, she asked me about my family so I calmly discussed some of the issues and the fight I had with depression. I didn't get emotional or angry, I was very happy at that stage in my life so felt comfortable talking about it. I didn't think much of it but noticed she was acting a little bit funny. I asked if she was ok and she said she felt a little uncomfortable. I apologised and said nothing to worry about.

The next day, she dumped me.

Its been tough..... 

[White_Rose]

Dear IB

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. A question that is usually asked on this forum is, are you getting professional help? It sounds as though you are managing a great deal of grief in your life and as well as rejection. I know we all have grief in our lives but this does not mean we do not need help to manage

Congratulations on getting your depression under control. It is fantastic to hear this.

Unfortunately I need to leave. I wanted to say hello and welcome. I will respond more fully later.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there IB)

Thank you for sharing your post and despite a fair number of hassles, the end part that you were writing about was sound very promising, until how you wrote that it ended.

Just wondering, did she give you a reason for the ending of your relationship?

It’s a bit weird if the person that she came to be involved with and no doubt, fall in love, herself dumps you for hearing of your family troubles and the fact that you have depression, but you are doing very well in controlling it and keeping it under wraps.  The person she became involved with is a person who eats healthy, exercises regularly, has positive set routines, has a job and has friends.  To me that all sounds pretty damn good.

So what I say here is, bloody good on you for all that you’ve been able to achieve, especially with your background and your struggles.

It kind of makes you wonder whether it’s worth the effort to tell someone, who you’re close with about what is exactly going on.  To tell or not to tell?  It’s bloody tough.

How are you going at the moment?

Neil

[BBUser72]

Thanks Neil.

Thats a really nice message and makes me feel much better about the whole thing.

Trying to stay focused and in control is incredibly difficult when break ups like that happen. I remember one breakup took me two years to get over the pain and suffering, that dark hole.

This one I admit hasn't been so tough but it certainly knocks the confidence out of you when it takes so long to build it up. Her reason was that it wasn't me, it was her. She doesn't love anyone and felt that i wanted a family one day and she wouldn't ever give me that. She also said she was a workaholic and would one day maybe find someone she loves or a cat lady.

It really didn't matter what she said, it hurt all the same. The funny thing was, it was very clear she was having a lovely time with me and happy. My response was, i respect her decision and thank you for being up front and honest. I said it must of been difficult to bring this up so all the best in what your looking for.

What I really wanted to say is you broke my f(*#n heart but nothing would be achieved by that or asking her to rethink. I don't think its right to beg for a relationship to work - not something I'm prepared to do for anyone unless they are the mother of my children.

I still have my moments when I get so down and think their is something wrong with me and your right, I probably won't tell the next person from this experience but that also makes me feel fake. I guess I'll cross that bridge when i get to it. You hope that you can show them all of you.

I just don't get it when at 33 i've travelled the world, own my own house, always treat people right, willing to commit to always end up sleeping alone. It's like the depression likes to use this card to get me down which is why I guess I'm sharing it here.

I'll keep up my fitness, I've also organised to talk to a professional to help release a bit of stress and maybe one day, ill get the answers I'm looking for.

Thanks again Neil1 for the time you've taken to write on this message board.

[White_Rose]

Dear IB)

Sorry I have taken so long to reply. Life has a habit of catching up with us and it didn't help with BB being off-line for a while yesterday. What do you think of the new look?  I think it's a great improvement, so much easier to read the posts and navigate the site.

I agree with everything that Neil has written and in particular the question of to tell or not to tell. It's always difficult to know how much to say to anyone about our personal journeys. Balancing the risk against honesty is a hard choice.  Perhaps you can chat about topics in a general manner to gauge the reaction. I once mentioned depression in a very general manner to an acquaintance who immediately headed for the hills. Quite a shock, though not as painful or intimate as yours.

It can also be useful to notice what the other person asks about you. Has this person asked if you have any family, for example. It's a common question and can be answered factually, yes I have ten brothers, and left at that. If there are further questions you can expand slowly depending on the reaction/interest. It can be daunting and overwhelming to have someone's history revealed in one fell swoop.

No matter the reason, a parting of the ways is usually painful if only because of the loss of companionship. In your circumstance I can only imagine how much more profound it must have been. You have a lot to offer someone and I hope you find a life partner.

It's good that you have found someone to talk to. There is always the tendency to blame ourselves when we are depressed. And it makes little difference that the depression is controlled. It seems we jump to our default thinking before we realise it's happening. Have you read anything about neuroplasticity? This is about changing our neural pathways. For many years it has been considered that we cannot learn anything new once we reach a certain age. That is we cannot change our thinking and ways of acting. Now it has been recognised that we can change. Look it up and see what you think. It is all about changing the connections in the brain.

I find it fascinating and I am learning how to change my thinking in more positive/logical ways. It's more than becoming a positive thinker. We actually change the brain pathways.

Read it up and perhaps talk to your psych.

Mary