Letting go

[becci]

Hi I’m new here,

 would like to share my situation to see if anyone else out there is in a similar place. I’m having trouble letting go of my 20 yr old daughter that stills lives at home( most of the time) she is my 1st born hence I have a very strong bond with her. She has met a man 23 years older than her. This man has already had a previous wife and child. He is manipulative and has a DV. We have lectured her over and over. She knows we do not approve of this relationship and will never meet this man. She says she knows it is a toxic relationship but stills goes to him every day.  I feel like I am watching her drowning but can’t help her. I’m am so sad all the time, I try to bite my tongue when she does come home  or else I end up arguing with her and I feel she will eventually choose him. Her younger sister is at home and is also watching this all unfold, constant family arguments over this stupid man. I really don’t know how to just “ let her go”. Would really appreciate any advice out there.

[Summer Rose]

Hi becci

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.

I have a daughter in her twenties and have been in a somewhat similar situation. My girl once dated a man whose behaviour made me uncomfortable—he bought her expensive gifts even though they’d only known each other a few weeks, called constantly to check where she was and wouldn’t believe her when she said at home, always kept an arm around her like she was one of his belongings, etc. My daughter ignored my concerns until he eventually got physical with her.
I called the police after the incident, my husband and I counselled her to end it and thankfully she broke up with him the next day and he went away.

We got lucky but in any event I think it would have been impossible for me to “just let her go”. I think you are going to have to have a lot of patience, show a lot of unconditional love and try not to let this become a battle of wills.

I think it’s important to keep her living at home and wouldn’t suggest cutting off support to try and control her, as that would just push her into his arms.

As long as she’s at home you have opportunities to talk about anything without his knowing. Your daughter knows the relationship is toxic, but she may not know how to leave him (despite what she might say to you). I’d be giving her resources and tools to help her leave.
Contacting 1800 RESPECT would be a good place to start. If she won’t call, you can. You could also explain to her that this issue is impacting the entire family and suggest family counselling. You could pitch the idea as a way to keep the family together without all the fighting, as opposed to a means to force the end of the relationship. If it were me, I would say whatever I had to just to get her there. 

Given she insists on seeing him, I think it’s fair to ask her to work with you to create a safety plan. Another idea might be to create a regular contact regime for when she’s with him so you know she’s alright. 
It might also help to involve her in lots of family activities—to remind her of who she is. And encourage her to see her friends. The less time with him the better.

Lastly, please take good care of yourself. This must be really tough for you, so be sure to take time each day for yourself. Do something that brings you joy.

Happy to talk more. 
Kind thoughts to you

[becci]

Thank you for your advice.  I definately think I need to keep the communication open with my daughter. I will ring the 1800 respect and also get some advice from them. The issue is, my daughter is 20! She has free will and will do anything she wishes. She is a very head strong selfish person. I have a real issue with her spending the night at this man’s house, I feel whilst she is still living at home, it is disrespectful. She agreed only 1 night a week she would stay over. So every night now, she says she will be back later. She mssgs me an hour later saying she is staying over!!! She lies straight to me. I can’t get angry, so I don’t even reply to her anymore.  When she does come home the next day, I feel I can’t say anything as it will cause another argument. I feel defeated!!

[TrueSeeker]

Hello becci

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's heart breaking not to be able to help adult children with their lives as they want to live it their way and might not know what they're getting themselves into.

I think that your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing to focus on. It will create trust and understanding. Maybe a calm discussion to explain each others positions and the reasons why something is not a good idea to do and what damage it can result in.

It is very hard to deal with situation like this and sometimes all we can do is let them know that we love them and that we'll be there for them whenever they need to.

I hope that this will all work out for you

[Summer Rose]

Hi becci

You’re right, it’s really tough to stop her going to see him because she is an adult. And once she’s there it’s very very hard to get her to keep her word and come home at a reasonable time.

If you forbid it, I think she will just become more determined to go there. Better, in this situation, to keep her living at home and talking to you.

But I’m just wondering if you can slow her down a bit. Does she have morning commitments? Like work, exercise or school? Can you talk to her about the negative impact of these overnight visits on other aspects of her life? Is there anything she’s missing out on or not coping with that she cares about?

How does she get there? If she’s using your car, keep it permanently low on fuel—a pain for you but if she had to pay for the petrol she might not go as often. If you’re doing her laundry, stop. She needs to be home to do it.

I guess what I’m suggesting is that you help her learn that adults have rights and responsibilities. So subtle changes that are not punishments, just part and parcel of being an adult.

If it were me, I’d keep talking to her about the need to respect your rules and see if she might compromise on the number of overnight visits. 
You could also consider asking a family member or good friend that she respects to also try talking to her or even meditating a discussion with you to help keep it from becoming an argument.

How did you get on with the people at 1800 RESPECT?

Kind thoughts to you

[Scared]

Hi

You have spent the last 20 years of your life protecting your daughter.

I dont have kids but that doesnt stop me understanding your worry and need to protect them from harm.

As she is now an adult the parents lose all those tools that were used in the past to protect their children.

We no longer can ground them or scold them etc as you have stated you are aware of and experiencing right now.

Its a hard pill to swallow but we cant control them anymore even tho we need to with all our being.

This must bring you much worry and Anxiety something I live with daily in my life.

If It were my daughter I would create myself new tools based on something that " you " have bucket loads more of than this older man does.

A parents love.

Your daughter needs to know that you are always there to talk about any problems and that she feels safe to tell you about this relationship if she needs advice. Being close to your daughter will give you POWER in this situation if in fact you need to do something serious about it down the line. As opposed to alienating her and she not feel safe in coming to you if she has trouble which is in fact what you want her to do.

Im NOT saying that you need to be ok with this relationship or that rules in the household dont need to be enforced as before 

Im saying you can be against it but not at the expense of also losing the confidence with your daughter.

If your awake late at night with worry then maybe there is more peace knowing confidently that your daughter will run home to mum and dad because mum and dad love me and always there to help me.

I was 53 when I met my then 29 yo girlfriend in Thailand.

I taught her about life. The importance of her Thai family who she was estranged from. I bought her back to the family, taught her responsibility and respect and the importance of love and the clean way to live life.

This girl was on the Bangkok streets with mental illness and no safe home.

She ended up becoming like my daughter in the end and its where I learnt what love really is.

She has gone now off in some delusional world of mental illness and my heart aches for her welfare every minute of everyday. 
But in the hours when my grief is too much to bear I always say to myself that she knows I am her friend and always there if she needs as I didnt burn the most important bridge there is

Its always safe to reconnect.

Thats all I have of her left but its alot more than an alternative of her in danger and have no one to turn to.

[becci]

scared,

thank you for your insight and sharing your sad story too. I do agree, the best I can do right now is be there for my daughter. Keeping open communication is paramount. She know we don’t approve of this relationship and can go nowhere in the future if she wants to share him with us. I am trying so hard to bite my tounge when I am around her. I know I have put my whole personal life on hold to raise her, I now think what for? I raised her to be a strong independent female and here she is at such a young age being manipulated by this older man. It breaks me heart.

i need to find new hobbies to distract so I’m not so focussed on her situation.

i really hope you reconnect with your friend 1 day. You seem like you have a big heart. Don’t give up hope, maybe you could go find her if you know roughly we she may be.