Leaving home

bibliophile · ‎08-08-2020

Looking for advice. I’ve recently started looking at houses to rent and moving out of my partners house. I have lived away from previously but have been living back with my parents for 3 years now. I want to move out because I find myself increasingly depressed and anxious with everything that goes on in the house (e.g. my parents fighting, my mother and brother fighting) and feel like I just need to live in my own place. Problem is my mum is annoyed at me for wanting to move and keeps pressuring me to just stay and save for a house. Problem is I don’t feel that I want a house right now, especially as I don’t know where I will be in 6 months. My new career is really developing and my manager at work is really encouraging but the fact is that I will probably have to move towns at some stage to develop my career further. I struggle to communicate with my parents that I’m not happy. It’s even little things like I want to cook my own meals and I feel like I can’t because whenever I go to the effort to buy supplies for meals I have planned I’m made to feel bad as my mum asserts that her cooking is fine and should be good enough. Plus there’s the space issue. Despite the fact that it’s a 4 bedroom house, with four adults living there it seems so crowded and it can get quite noisy. I have applied for a house t tent but I’m still waiting to hear whether I’ve been approved or not. In the meantime, I’m getting increasing pressure to just continue living at home instead of moving out and paying ‘dead money’ in rent. Any advice?

Aphador · ‎09-08-2020

Hey Bibliophile!

I can see this is an awkward situation, but well done on having the courage to reach out!

To start, I'll just mention that I've never been in this situation before- receiving pressure from my parents to stay with them. When I moved out, although my parents were sad, they understood that moving out was the best for me- to help me mature and improve my mental wellbeing. I can understand wanting to cook my own meals and not have the pressure of having my parents around all the time. Just because I moved out and to a different town didn't mean I had to lose contact with them however- I still call them and see them often.

It's great that your career is moving forward and you have people around you that are encouraging you :). Struggling to communicate with your parents is quite common- we all experience this on some level, feeling like your parents don't understand you.

I think that you know what is best for you- it sounds like you want to move out, and that seems like the best option to me as well. Your parents might not understand at first- it may take them some time to come around. Always remember that you have to look out for yourself first though- before you can look out for others.

Just because you pay rent doesn't mean you can also save money to buy a house. I'm not sure how old you are, but these days most people will rent for a while before they can buy their own home. Are you able to support yourself with the money you are earning, or will you need your parents to help?

As for applying for houses, I wouldn't apply to just one. Inspect and apply for all that meet your standards! When I have applied for renting houses in the past, I have inspected upwards of 20 places and applied to 7 or 8 (over about a month) that I feel comfortable living in.

Hope this has been helpful- I'll be here if you need to talk.

Aphador 🙂

bibliophile · ‎09-08-2020

Thanks for the reply Aphador. I am well and truly able to support myself without my parents help. I have lived out of home before but moved back a few years ago as I had to leave my previous career. I have two applications in with one particular real estate (even though apparently their policy is you can only apply for one at a time) and I’m going to keep inspecting places. I’ve been looking for a few weeks and was starting to get really down because I was inspecting absolutely everything and finding nothing that I wanted to apply for or properties get leased before I can inspect. But I’ve been feeling a bit more encouraged in the last week and a bit as more interesting properties have come on the market. I just need to make my mum understand that buying a house is not the be all and end all. One minute they’re supportive of me moving out, then the next minute they’re trying to convince me to stay 6 months and spend nothing so I can buy a house and they’ll give me some money. But it feels like a bribe to me, and I don’t want to stay here for another 6 months.

Aphador · ‎13-08-2020

It's good that you are feeling encouraged! I do not doubt that you will be able to move into something that really works for you. I hadn't heard that we were only allowed to submit one application to a similar real-estate agent... I definitely haven't followed that in the past.

It's a tough situation- but it seems like ultimately you know what to do. It would be ideal if you could help your mother understand- but it seems to me like you shouldn't let that stop you from trying to move out. Do you have any techniques or strategies you are using to keep yourself positive and happy whilst you are searching for your house, and your parents are being so variable?

bibliophile · ‎23-08-2020

So far I’ve put in four rental applications and got nine of them so I’m feeling quite discouraged. I just can’t make my mum understand why I want to move out. I can’t find the words to explain myself to her, she just keeps asking me why I’m all of a sudden so unhappy. I did come into some money just last week so may look at getting a loan if I can get one fairly soon. I went to my dr this week and she prescribed me some anxiety medication which had been helping but everything went out the window tonight with the pressure being brought to bear on me again. Plus I’m trying to stay positive because I have a job interview tomorrow (online) and when I told them the response was just so negative. I’m just sick of looking at the same four walls all the time.