Just done the hardest but most honest thing I've done in my life

[Pulse]

Don't exactly know why I'm sharing this here, I suppose because I don't really have anyone I can vent to, and I've just broken the heart of the one person I could.

For context, my wife and I are mid-thirties, one toddler and another on the way. A few things piled up over the last 2 months which resulted in a breakdown of sorts for me. I've only recently started to come out of it and start thinking clearly. I realised that I've been shutting myself down for a long time, which is something that caused my wife and I to break up when we first started dating ~15 yrs ago. Last year we went through 2 miscarriages and which I think resulted in me closing myself off in order to try to be the rock that I thought my wife needed me to be. At that point I started vaping again (ex-smoker), and hid it from my wife because I didn't want her to worry. She found out and felt rightfully betrayed.

To get to the point, I had a talk with her last night explaining that and that I currently feel like I've checked out of everything, including our marriage. Which obviously came out of nowhere for her, but that realisation also came out of nowhere for me, given that I've closed myself off from my emotions for so long.

Trust has been broken as she thought I had been sharing everything (so did I tbh, but I've realised that I've been kind of filtering my emotions).

I'm now flipping back and forth between what I want vs what I think is needed. I obviously want to try to work things through with my wife and get back to where we were but I don't know how long it's going to take to get me there (working with a psych ATM to work through this), what I'll be like on the other side or even if I won't do this again (i.e. emotionally closing off).

It's so fucking painful, I can't believe I've hurt the one I love so much. I keep thinking maybe I should have just shut up, sucked it up and worked through this myself, but that's exactly what lead me here in the first place.

Did I do the right thing? I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to work on myself and that I'll be there for her, our child and child on the way. I feel so guilty having this happen while she's pregnant but again, I feel like if I left it I would have just been going back to the same habits of shutting things away...

She's such a great person, and said she doesn't blame me, that I'm a great husband and father and that probably makes it hurt more.

Sorry for the long post, understand if people call me an arsehole etc. it's well deserved

[Dean07]

Sorry to here how tough life is for you at the moment. I'm sure it feels overwhelming.
My marriage of 30 years ended a couple of years ago and it was a difficult time. I have done a lot of work since then and life is much better.
I worked with a psychologist as well. 

You sound like a decent guy doing the best you can.
It's great that you can talk to your wife about what is happening.
I found a very good online Men's Group which helped me in many ways. Talking to men who were and had been through similar situations very helpful. The sense of community and not being alone whilst I dealt with issues was amazing.  I no longer felt alone. This is a very common situation. From what I have seen of guys in the group loosing a sense of who they are and withdrawing is very common.

A book that deals with this that I found helpful is "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover.
It's been around for years. I think there is an audio book version as well. If you can get hold of a copy it is really worth a read.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you are doing job just coming onto the forum and expressing your feelings.
It is a painful and confusing time.
I think you did the right thing by acknowledging how you feel and bringing it out in the open so you can deal with responsibly. If you had hidden how you feel for longer you would have just put off what you are doing now for later. By taking charge now you will have a say in what happen rather reacting to a bigger problem later.

Finding the online group for me meant I didn't have to do it alone. 
Do you have family or a close friend you can get support from?
Your first sentence said you didn't know why you came to this forum. I think you were looking for connection/ community so you don't have to do it alone. My advise is don't do this alone, find a person or group to share what you are feeling.  
I have been in a similar situation and it as scary.  Life has worked out well for me. Not the way I originally wanted but life is good now.