Jeolousy and depression

Poppy81

I have been fighting the green eye monster for over a year. I am in a 10 year same sex relationship/ married. My partner went through menopause and completely blew of sex for a year 2years ago and then 1 year ago made a new best friend from work which further drove a wedge between my wife and I. I feel like this person has replaced me. I feel like an emotional affair is going on and my wife wont even have a discussion about it becoming avoidant. Just over a year ago her friend was drunk calling her and i got angry as we were on holiday, then my partner deleted all messages from this person and when asked why was told i knew you didnt like me tslkibg to her so i didnt want you to know. We have had constant arguments over this person and I feel like it is ruining my relationship. My wife says I am allowed to have friends and I agree with this but it is the type of friendship that I don't like as it has affected my relationship with my partner as she has become distant. My wife just says we'll things change. I am stuck with this person in my life and it is driving me crazy as my wife has not made any attempt to soothe my insecurities about their relationship. I know it is not her job to make me feel better but I just can't shake this gut feeling that they will turn into something more. We have 3 kids together and this is just shaken me to the core and have discovered thst we no longer are able to communicate properly, we just argue about it so it has become a no go topic. When i 1st tried to address the issues I was met with being shut down and my feelings on the matter were brushed aside and was told that she doesn't have a problem, it is just my problem. Fast forward a year and they are close as ever and I am not allowed to talk about it as she says I just want to put it all behind us, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I am having a lot of trouble moving past it as they are always texting goidmorning to each other babe, and asking how they have slept. I feel boundaries are being crossed especially since the focus is no longer on us. How do I overcome this horrible feeling I have? I am really struggling and I was suicidal 1 year ago, have seeked psychologist as I have CPTSD and gave been trying to work on myself. I have gone from having the best relationship of my life to complete disregulation. I feel like I am going crazy!

Croix

Dear Poppy81~

Welcome back ot the Forum. I'm sorry to see you have to cope with this situation and even sorrier that you seem to be blaming yourself.

You did say "I know it is not her job to make me feel better ". I think you are completely wrong here. My idea of partnership is to be with someone who loves and enjoys being with another, tries their hardest to smooth over all the bumps in life for their partner and really cares about their welfare. -and has commitment.

Your partner is not doing this, saying you are free to have friends yourself is putting the responsibility on you when it is in fact hers. To have a friend who sounds so close is something that needs to be talked out frankly and without pretending nothing is happening.

She has responsibilities, a 10 year marriage with you, three children to care for and your welfare. Frankly she is not living up to those.

I'd imagine she would be aware of your experiences in the past and that should make her go even more out of her way than normal to look after you - she must know relationships are difficult and special for you and you dread them ending -and blame yourself.

I am unsure what is the best way to handle his. It is not your fault, even though that might be hard to believe. Perhaps some individual counceling may help to so see what options you have. I'd suggest Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) if they have an office near you.

This is a hard matter to deal with if oyur partner now has a new close freind who appears to be more important in her life than you, however it is not only your own welfare and peace of mind to consider, but the example set to your three children

Do you have anyone to support you, a friend or family member perhaps? Trying to cope alone is extra hard.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

Poppy81

Thankyou so much for responding, no intimacy don't have a support network as I don't have any family apart from my children ( I was a ward of the state).

My wife does tell me that instead am the one she wants to grow old with, I just don't understand how her priorities could change so drastically. She does say I trigger her as she doesn't want to feel controlled, which I dont think I do at all. But, does this mean I shouldn't have any feelings on the matter? I feel like it is her way or the high way and I just have to accept what ever she wants. At my age, I feel so frustrated with myself for having these feelings, but they are eating me up inside and I don't feel like myself to the point I am disassociating from the relationship so I don't get hurt any more. I am trying to be the best version of myself but I just hate this friend of hers and I don't know how to get past it. This friend has a birthday 2 days after me and apparently has qualities similar to me I have been told. I want to be ok with this but I am not and won't ever be.

Poppy81

I definitely don't feel that I get chosen 1st. I dont know what to do, because I know she won't give up the friendship and I don't seem to be able to accept it.

Eagle Ray

Dear Poppy81,

I agree with Croix that it seems like you haven’t done something wrong here. Your partner texting with the other person saying good morning babe and asking how they’ve slept does feel like she’s expressing this intimate care with another and that a boundary is being crossed somewhat when she’s in a relationship with you. I understand it’s normal on the one hand to have other friendships, but I guess it’s a case of is she actually there for you and is she giving you the same level of care and attention that’s she’s giving the other person? I guess what I’m saying is that your feelings are valid and as your partner she should be validating your feelings and not just shutting them down because addressing them doesn’t suit her.

Those are just my thoughts from what you’ve described. I think getting some counselling support as Croix suggested could be a good idea, to get the perspective of a professional with experience in the relationship field. They might have some ideas on communication strategies and ways of managing going forward.

The fact you are dissociating from the relationship to try and avoid being hurt is a sign your needs are not being met and your partner is not being present with your feelings at the moment. Please take care and recognise that your feelings matter.

Best wishes,

ER

Croix

Dear Poppy81~

I guess ER and I have said most of the things that matter, I would like you to realise that it is not up to you to stop feeling jealous. If someone damages you emotionally then you hurt - and as long as the situation continues you will continue to feel bad.

I guess feeling suicidal is not unexpected, however there are other ways of getting out from under -as I have found. I became more and more convinced that things were of my doing and the only way out was ot take my life. In fact I did attempt.

Looking back I can see I was shouldering the responsibility and blaming myself -all quite unjustified.

It took me a change in my life and therapy to get beyond that point until now I am far removed from being that person, and value my self and my relationship .

I hesitate to make concrete suggestions (even though I can think of some I do not know enough to say anything) with the exception of getting help, something essential, there is no way you should feel of taking your life again. It is easy to think htings will not imporve, however you may be pleasantly surprised as I was (somthing I would not have believed at the time).

Croix

Poppy81

I would love to hear your suggestions, as I am already seeing a psychologist and tbh don't think she has done much, she suggests i have cold showers to help bring down cortisol levels. I am a rn nurse and usually i am very level headed with triggers and of course some issues 🙃. I am a government and happy to resolve problems and issues through communication but I am being swallowed by jeolousy and envy and I don't know how to just stop. I dont know how to claw my way out. My wife posts stuff on insta and of course this friend likes everything she posts and comments on everything except the photos that I am in. Most of the time she is the only person to show interest in all tge posts. Just seeing her little name there drives me insane. I have said to my wife why doesn't she like the photos that I am in and my wife said she knows you don't like her. My wife has broken my trust and boundaries devolving info to this person about my issues with her 😔, I feel like nothing is sacred between us with a fear that what ever I say or expressed is ammunition to talk about with her friend. I am a middle aged woman, why do I feel like this? I have never felt these emotions before in a relationship. I hate myself that I can't move past it. I deleted my partner from instagram today as her friends name popping up all the time annoys me so much that I have to pretend she doesn't exist. I give this person, my wifes friend, so much of my thoughts and realestate in my brain, when she probably doesn't waste a minute thinking about me.

I need a path to get past this as I have tried talking with my wife about these feelings numerous times, only met with the same dismissal and avoidance that I always get. She has made it very clear that this person is here to stay. I just want to get back to my happy nice self that I was. This whole matter is turning me into someone I don't want to be and don't recognise I feel like I can't escape it. Thankyou so much for responding to me, this is so embarrassing and I feel shame about the whole thing, but living with CPTSD from a very traumatic and lonely childhood I am struggling so much with this as I can't escape it 💔

Eagle Ray

Dear Poppy81,

I am wondering if the shame you are feeling is very much the CPTSD affecting you? I have CPTSD and I know how easily shame is triggered with that condition. I feel it is so important for you to be kind with yourself as I don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. I do feel like your relationship with your partner should be sacred and that she should also be keeping info you share with her confidential, such as how you feel about her friend. I feel that in a relationship you should be each other’s priority, first and foremost. At the moment it feels like it’s become a triangle, because even though your partner is with you she seems quite enmeshed with the other person, even if it’s a friendship rather than a relationship. I’m not there of course so I could be off the mark, but it just sounds that way.

I’m not sure what to suggest but perhaps a second opinion from another psychologist may be helpful? I know that can be a bit of a nuisance though and may cost more if you don’t have a mental health care plan referral for a different psych. It’s all very well having cold showers, but I do feel from what you describe that there are some fundamental boundary issues coming up in relation to your wife and it would be good to get some advice on handling that.

Have you discussed the CPTSD side of things with your partner? I’m just wondering if she’s not really understanding why you may be feeling particularly sensitive and vulnerable in relation to her connection with this other person. I’m sensing from what you’re saying that it’s particularly impacting you because of your past trauma history and I feel your partner should be sensitive to that. Perhaps she is not fully grasping that?

I also feel it’s legitimate to say that you do not want personal feelings that you share with your wife to be passed onto others. I hope she would respect your boundaries too in relation to anything you share about your complex trauma history. I’m only just learning how to assert my own boundaries because of the way I’ve been impacted by complex trauma, and I’m almost 50 now. So I know it can be quite challenging. I’m finding it does get easier with practice though.

I’m not sure if anything I’ve said there helps. But I do feel it’s ok for you to feel as you do and that the fact you feel vulnerable in the situation is understandable. Would your partner be open to couples counselling if you explained further how it’s impacting you? I don’t know if suggesting that would help her to see how much the situation is impacting you? Another approach is working with your psychologist on ways of communicating feelings and boundaries. And another may be getting to the point of seeing this other person as really inconsequential, but it does sound like some of your boundaries haven’t been respected in your relationship where it would be appropriate for your wife to develop awareness and understanding. I’m cautious making suggestions as not knowing either of you it’s impossible for me to know the wisest approach. But I think whatever you do, please take care of yourself and don’t be hard on yourself. Go gently and know it’s ok to have feelings and they are valid.

Take care,

ER

Poppy81

Thankyou so much for your reply, I value any help on the situation as I can't seem to see past my own nose at the moment. I feel defeated and lost as I am not my true bubbly self anymore. This has taken me to a really dark place and I do feel stupid to not be able to just get past it. I wish I didn't care so much but in doing that it makes me feel that I can't love the way I want with openess and vulnerability. I am trying move past it and watch YouTube videos of improving ones self and keeping my anchor within myself. I am trying read as much as I can and better myself but I just feel so hurt and let down that I allowed myself to finally be vulnerable and i just get hurt again.

Anyway, I do appreciate the feed back and it is nice to be able to talk about it. I will just keep ploting along, I am not sure what thesolution will be but I just want to be happy again and stop feeling miserable. I have no meaning/ purpose in life at tge moment I feel I have lost my way. Anyway I appreciate all the responses and the time you all took to respond to me. Thankyou ☺️