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Is it me or him or both

Community Member

I believe my fiancé has NPD I love him w everything I have but after 10 years of this behavior is killing me

I'm 26 and so unhappy w myself

yesterday he told me to kill my self, I'm a slut, I have no friends, I'm a retard, I need to get help, I have communication problems and I'm at my lowest

I am definitely not a slut we have a son together, I have never even thought of cheating I'm very much all for loyalty in any kind of relationship/friendship, I'm not a retard tho I will admit I'm not very good w decision making at the moment my head is truly all over the place but I feel it's from the way he's getting into head telling me this, and why?

Why does he hate me? ( his exact words) I always done the right thing, I don't give him a hard time about anything I let him have his guts nights out and I ask for nothing

please is it me?

I understand we both probably need counseling but he said it's not an option

I just don't know how to help him when no one can help me

4 Replies 4

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Happiness, I'd like you to try something... re-read your post, out loud, and imagine that it is not you that has written it, but someone else. Could be a complete stranger, or maybe a close friend or family member that you love. What would you say to them?

Your last sentence... "I just don't know how to help him when no one can help me". Why would you want to help someone who seems from your post to have no respect for you? What are you getting out of this relationship? What kind of impact is it having on your child?

Getting help for yourself starts by helping yourself. We can be here to support you through any decisions you make, but you are in control of what happens next in this relationship.

Hello Happiness

I'm reading so many posts like yours it makes me sad. I've been through similar and it's not a good outcome. Jess has made the best response I have noted in a long time. I fully agree with her. The only thing you can control is yourself.

Seek expert counsel so you can make a plan for yourself. It's like the emergency routine on a plane - put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. Your partner has issues and he's trying to out the focus on you to make you believe you're the problem.

Get help and expect that you may have to eject from the relationship. You need support professional, from friends and family if at all possible.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Happiness, you can love someone with all your heart, but when they throw these words towards you, doesn't want to have any counselling so this situation could be overcome, then there must be a problem and create some doubt, but I would do as what the others have said.
You can't have this type of abuse thrown at you, but NPD is such a strong illness which you won't be able to sort out unless he has professional help. Geoff. x

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Happinessforall, I really like what JessF has said above.

I question the motives of a person that would speak like that to another person, especially one that you have a child with. Does he need help? I'd say yes absolutely however you have a little one that is dependent upon you so you must be your first priority.

You need to put yourself in a place where you can be mentally and physically healthy. Don't get me wrong here, I am not wishing that you separate but a toxic environment is a dangerous one and the effects that the environment on your son could be long lasting. Your son needs your love and protection and the best way to do that is to make sure that you give yourself the best chance of being mentally healthy.

If he cannot get his NPD under control and respect you like he should, then you need to look at moving on.

I hope that you can work something out for yourself and your son.