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Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae
Community Member

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. I used to be scared of him - as in he was quite critical of how I would go about doing certain things for eg how to make dinner. We purchased a second-hand boat and I don't have much experience with boats. Each time we have taken it out I have found him to be bossy, critical (not having much patience when teaching me the ropes) and if I do something 'wrong' he belittles me by saying things such as, 'As per usual, your doing things half-assed'. I'm dreading the day we get our motor boat back from getting fixed, as I don't want to go out in it as each time we've gone out, I've felt so stupid, small and dumb.

The boat has been away for fixing for 3 weeks now, during which time I've resumed training for a 10k fun run and doing yoga. Doing these things has given boosted my self-acceptance and self-esteem....so much so that whenever my boyfriend talks down, gets bossy or insulting towards me, instead of cowering and saying 'I'm sorry', I've gone the other way and have gotten reactionary. My behaviour is now '....and that's another thing I've done wrong' or getting defensive and angry.

My question is, is his behaviour deemed as emotional abuse? Also, how can I find a middle ground for myself - by not allowing his behaviour to dictate how I respond?

38 Replies 38

Hi Croix,

What personality-type?

His Sister (with whom he has a not good relationship with) made a surprise visit tonight. She has been in jail for committing fraud, has reportedly stolen my partner's familys things, has lied about having ovarian cancer.....when she left, whom did my partner turn to for comfort? Our dog. I bore the full emotional force of his dislike and frustration.

I'm angry, confused, sad......my partner and I went on holidays together. He was such a gentleman. For the end part of our holiday, we stayed with my mum and dad and they all got along well.

We've just come home today and my partner has put me down at least 4 times....by critising that I can't do more than one thing at a time; by getting angry at me for asking him to close the car door as I was carrying our clean dog over mud; then when I was working on the fence that separates our ducks from our dog, he says 'come on, give it here. She'll just get in to the ducks section if he didn't do it himself.

I feel so ungrateful for getting angry at him as he did just spend four days in a row being a good guest at my parent's place.

I apologised for my emotions and I didn't apologise for not being like him.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Carolyn Rae~

It's been a few days and I'm sorry to see things are not good. By the looks of things criticism is not confined to things he knows from his service days but also everyday matters. Picking on you because his sister is at fault is most unfair and does not show any regard for your feelings.

There are some people that put on a perfect public front and hold their true behavior in abeyance whilst under outside scrutiny. This is very frustration as people then think the person is wonderful and don't know what to make about truthful descriptions of what happens behind the scenes.

Apologizing really is playing his game. The matters you mentioned seem to be pretexts to put you down and be unreasonable. Making excuses for him does not really seem appropriate, there is a danger of getting into the habit of apologizing for being criticized and ending up feeling a total lack of self worth.

Your getting angry at these things is natural and would seem totally justified. I would find it very hard to live under such circumstances, however that is just me.

The only suggestion I could make would be to think about what you want and need out of this relationship. As others have said I'd be surprised if he changed long-term. If you have difficulty thinking dispassionately about this maybe contacting our 24/7 Help Line or an organization like Relationships Australia can give you perspective.

Croix

Well, after my angry outburst yesterday, my partner has broken up with me. My family feel that my partner has his own issues that may prevent him from having a relationship. This all started because I no longer wanted to be a doormat.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Carolyn Rae~

It looks like you have fundamentally changed and become less compliant.

All though your posts you have painted a picture of your ex-partner attempting control by belittling you. I would think that in such an environment one of two things will happen, either one will start to believe all the negatives, lose self esteem and become some sort of lesser person, or else over time resentment will build and one will be no longer able to accept this treatment.

I guess you have - fortunately - gone the latter way.

I suppose there is a possibility either you or he will make an attempt to reconcile. In your shoes I would not do this. His basic nature is not going to change and I think you have grown stronger and wiser and would not accept that.

You deserve a better and equal partnership when you can have confidence you are appreciated and respected and there is never any attempt at derision or control.

Croix

I have to thank my family and friends for helping out emotionally.

Wherever my ex went, if I didn't go, he wouldn't be happy. I ended up resenting him for it. I didn't want to spend every Saturday and Sunday with his parents - I wanted to go to a Yoga class on one of those days instead.

I could feel my resentment regarding this and his constant 'put downs' leading me to become assertive and to sometimes speak back to him the same way he spoke to me (which I wasn't proud of). I was even asking advice on how to be assertive without letting my feelings get in the way.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Carolyn Rae~

I'm very glad you have your family and friends, a breakup under any circumstances is a hard thing to deal with. Having their care, support and perspective makes a world of difference.

If I might suggest please cut yourself some slack in regards to your speaking back. From what you say it was entirely justified and with another sort of person might have actually shocked them into a different mindset, (sadly no chance of that with him).

Please don't thing that separation means you should stop coming here, both if you feel the need, and also perhaps if you think your experiences might help others.

Croix

I hope my experience can help others. I felt like a cagged animal. Being frightened, emotionally tormented until I couldn't take anymore as I bottled it up most of the time, and then tell him in no uncertain terms to 'go away'.

Lesson, it's important to express one's feelings and thoughts in a productive way.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Carolyn Rae~

Yes I"m sure it will, when one is in a relationship it can be very hard to know what is normal, what are one's own faults and what on the other hand is just plain wrong. Your experiences can give others just that bit of perspective they need.

Croix

If anything, I've learnt that my resentment (because I didn't express it civilly, repetitively) grew and grew. He could tell I wasn't happy so for a while there he would be doing things to to make me happy. At the same time though, he would still belittle me (but this time under his breath etc). So, it would've been nice to have been civil with him the first time instead of his behaviour and my resentment dragging on and on.

I'm dealing with my guilt of being passive/aggressive and letting my resentment build up and up until it reached breaking point. Not healthy at all.