Is going on porn sites and paying women to perform for you, cheating?

[Alison_M]

My husband and I were married 10 year's when I opened the drawer in our ensuites vanity unit to find a used comdom on top of a porn magazine. When I approached him, he said it was my fault as I no longer looked as good as I once did. We argued about it and talked tried again but slowly he stopped wanting sex with me. Then just a couple of days before my 53rd birthday and 6 months after our 20 year anniversary (which he refused to be sexually intimate), a message came into our email address for an interactive porn website. When I asked him about it he just said yeah so what! I then looked into it more and found out he'd been paying over 60 different 18 to 20 year Olds to perform sexual acts for him.  He even done it on our 20 year wedding anniversary and my birthday, as he'd been paying them for over 18 months. He said well you don't look anything like you did when we meet, you're to fat to love now! I need a new hip, have 3 pinched nerves in my back, plus over 6 damaged disc's, arthritis in every joint but I have never said no to intimacy.  Due to all my injuries I have put weight on but I'm not obese or anything, I am obviously over 20 years older but he has put on slot of weight, as he broke his back 4 months after we were married so I had to be his nurse for year's.

Can anyone give me some advice, as I really don't know what to do! Some say there's nothing wrong with what his done as it's not cheating. Also it worries me as they are all over 35 years younger than him.
 

[ecomama]

Hey Alison, YEP those kind of sites do exist and they're very expensive. 

Besides the money ofcourse is the betrayal.  

If you want to pop over to Chump Lady dot com, you will see your situation copied and pasted time and time again. 

I was thinking of you earlier and the reeling effect this type of disgusting behaviours in our spouses can create in us... you may be still is shock after your D Day (D is for Discovery). But I can see you're piecing the history of his disrespect to you and all women as a matter of fact. 
Some are just making money off of it. 

My friend kept her discovery a secret after H promised not to continue his affair(s). And didn't. Of course. 
She got all sorts of cosmetic surgeries, gosh even bought their 2nd house in the area she REALLY wanted to live (here)... then set about to create her OWN D Day for H. 
She drew up a Property Agreement with her Family Lawyer where he could keep his business and she kept the 2nd house. (He lives above his shop now). 
He was TOTALLY blind sided by her this time. 
Pure magic. 

Once you begin to recover and gain some clarity over the situation, you can be truly empowered by the rational actions you take next. 
Welcome to Chump Nation. We're a great bunch! 

EM

[Juliet_84]

Hi Allison,

I would say that this would be considered a form of cheating in most people’s universe, except conveniently your husband’s of course (and other people who use the service and try and justify it). His lack of intimacy with you and the sexist/chauvinistic comments about how you’ve changed are all the more worse. Of course you have changed, who the hell hasn’t in 20 years and none of us for the better over time lets face it. But you would hope your husband is not so shallow and actually sees “you” after all this time and loves “you” and isn’t hung up on 20 year olds, I’m sorry but what a creep! Only you can decide what to do, but I will say that this points to a serious problem with how he views women in general and his disrespectful language towards you and his treatment of you really supports that. So I see very little chance of this ever changing. I think now is the time to focus on you, get the new hip, take care of yourself and focus on what makes you feel better. Get yourself in a position of strength and then decide. Don’t make decisions out of fear as they keep you stuck. I loved the other story of a woman buying the house in the area she wanted etc. Start to formulate a plan.