Insecure anxious attachment and moving on from a relationship

[Von is lost]

A guy I know from high school and I went on a few dates 2 years ago, and it didn’t work out because he started seeing someone else which was really hard for me. Recently he reached out again, and we messaged daily for about 3 months. I was wary initially but he seemed really interested. He lives 4 hours away from me so we’ve only been able to meet up 2 times. He was going to come up to visit me last week, but he ended up not being able to because of where I’m living had a few unexplained coronavirus cases which would affect his ability to go to work. This is obviously fine, but the last thing I messaged was asking ‘do you want to stay in touch or do you think it might be too hard for us?’. He replied saying he wanted to stay in touch, but it makes him uncomfortable when I ask questions like that. I apologised and now I haven’t heard from him for a whole week. My anxiety has been playing up really badly, and my insecure attachment issues are really coming out. I feel that he’s already disappeared and that its not going to work out again. I also feel stupid for giving him another chance and abandoned. Does anyone have any advice on how to feel better? And should I accept that it’s not going to work out and just start moving on? Thank you

[jess334]

Hi Von,

That sounds like a tough situation.

I think the question you asked is completely valid. Did he say why it made him uncomfortable?

What was your relationship like the first time round? Were you apologising to him often? Did he ignore you if you send something that annoyed him?

Maybe by looking back at your past relationship it can help you decide if its worth pushing forward again.

Sometimes the timing isn't right and it can work again later down the track, but sometimes it isn't worth fighting for.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Von is lost]

Thanks for replying Jess.

I thought it was valid too. He didn’t say why it made him uncomfortable specifically, just that he understands where I’m coming from and that he hopes I can understand where he’s coming from too. I’m assuming he interpreted it as me coming on too strong? I’m not really sure though. I feel that if I ask him to clarify that I’d be coming across as too needy.

The first time round was a bit awkward, because we hadn’t seen each other since school and we didn’t really know what each other was like. I was very nervous so didn’t act completely like myself around him. I did apologise for being nervous a bit. He also did take longer to reply last time if I hinted at any suggestion of ‘us’ so I think that’s why I’m triggered again this time.

[ecomama]

Hi Von is lost

I'm sorry this has happened to you again. He doesn't really sound like the best type of character of a person.

Simple questions like you're asking wouldn't be an issue at all for a person being
"authentic".

I'd leave it tbh and if he contacts you again then leave it for a few hours or more and have a think about how you want to respond.

There's a saying that I'm quite fond of now... "When a person shows you who they are by their actions, believe them the first time".

Being hurt by this person the first time was enough. You gave him a second chance in your mind and he's just proving himself to be the same person.

SOME times people "grow up" and deserve a second chance. Mostly leopards don't change their spots.

Have you worked through some of your 'insecure attachment' problems with a support person?

EM

[geoff]

Hello Von, and thanks for posting your comment.

The question you have asked is quite feasible, hoping for a positive answer but unsure by his comment, however, trust in a relationship/marriage is very important not only in the present time but also in the future and need to decide whether or not you believe this will happen.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Von is lost]

I tried explaining to this guy that I felt hurt when he stopped replying to me for weeks at a time, but then messages me again a few weeks later, like no time had passed. I said I would appreciate it if he didn't message me again unless he actually wanted to see me. I was trying to set some boundaries because I really like him but felt too hurt each time he disappeared. He misinterpreted what I was trying to say, saying that if him not replying in two days bothered me that much, that perhaps he should give me some space. Even though I meant it was the weeks of not replying that hurt me. I'm aware that this probably means he's not willing enough to put in the effort to take the relationship forward any further, but I'm still struggling with my feelings of wanting it to work out between us.

[White_Rose]

Hello Von is lost

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and lost. It is a hard thing to cope with in the way you live and also getting your message across to your friend.

It seems reasonable to me that someone who you think cares for you would make the effort to contact you more often than every few weeks. I agree with Jess suggesting you look at the first time you were in this situation and see if you can find any change in his behaviour. I also agree with Ecomama's comments. From my point of view it seems he likes to control your interactions. When called to account he puts on the hurt hat and makes you responsible for the relationship not going well.

This is not a good way for you. These people rarely change but they can make you feel as guilty as hell to allow them to dictate the terms of being together. If you want to pursue this relationship I would suggest you write about your feelings with him ignoring you and why you feel he is not contributing equally to the relationship. It needs to be written in a way that there is no mistake in what you expect.

I suspect he will throw a bit of a temper tantrum and accuse you of being too clingy or needy, or trying to push him into a permanent relationship. Whatever his reply, if he bothers, will undoubtedly be manipulative trying to give you a guilt trip which will end when he 'forgives' you. If you stay after that I think your life will not be happy.

You sound like an open and caring person who wants to believe the best about people. That's great when the other person is a reasonable type. This man sounds selfish, manipulative, controlling and is looking for someone who will live with those conditions. Please be very careful how you proceed.

I understand he has made an impression on you and it's hard to walk away from someone who who appears to care for you. Like all of us we want someone who will love us and whom we can love in an equal partnership. I doubt you will have this with this man.

I am sorry if I have caused you to feel more hurt. That is not my intention. I can see what is unfolding for you is a complicated scenario. You do need to think very deeply about your next step. Meanwhile please post in here if we can help.

Mary

[Guest_1643]

Hi Von, I think its good that you let him know that it affected you - it shows self-respect and that you care about how you're treated. nothing wrong with that.
I understand you have feelings for him and may wander if it could've been different, or if one change in approach, may have made it work out... etc. My feeling is probably not, but I can understand the wandering... I think in some ways you may have your answer but I also think the answer isn't that he doesn't like you - the answer is that he's not really caring enough for you - that you would do better with someone more caring.

[Von is lost]

Thank you for your replies, it’s really helpful.

I go through days of feeling fine and okay on my own, but then the next I get so anxious that I’ll never find another partner, and that I should be doing something different for this guy to want to see me because he’s my only option.

I don’t know how to meet new people, and feel sad because all of my friends are in long-term steady relationships. It’s hard not to compare and think that I’m doing something wrong.

[Guest_1643]

I know what you mean, Von.
I think I've felt the same before,i really relate. It feels like this was the chance to have a normal relationship. Can I recommend a book for you?
It's called a Breakup because it's Broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Rutola - it's about breakups and self-esteem.
It's a bit forceful but it basically suggests that somehow it's harder to be 'wrong" about someone - acknowledge they weren't the right one, because that means we have to accept we made a mistake. so we try on thinking they're right even though we see otherwise. It's an amazing book.

You're doing great, writing here and processing. Break ups are so hard.

Hang on there, I know it's hard and there's a lot to process and wander about, when any relationship ends. You feel that maybe this was a real chance for you to be happy. Maybe. Maybe wait and see if you feel that way in a few weeks - maybe there's a possibility that there's someone even better for you