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Infidelity and the lasting effects

JARH
Community Member

Several years ago I discovered my husband was having an affair (lasting 3 months), we had been married for over 30 years. I thought it was a solid loving relationship. I felt like my world fell apart, my husband cut ties with the other woman(ow) and has continued to work hard to rebuild the trust. However I feel weak for staying with him, I obsess over the ow and need to know everything about her. I know this is not healthy and only hurting me but I can't stop. I have days were I am really low and just cry, I mourn the loss of what I thought my husband and I had together. Other days I feel like I can conquer the world, My love for my children and grandchildren keep me going. I want to stop obsessing, I want to stop thinking that I'm the loser. I knew the ow. She appeared to have everything, also married (no children) attractive and confident. I feel by posting this I may be able to connect with other people who have gone through the same. I desperately want to move forward but feel in a rut.

10 Replies 10

06KLM
Community Member
Hi Jarh, I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for nine years and three years ago found by accident my husband had been contacting prostitutes. It was an emotional roller coaster working through my feelings. I was ashamed and blamed myself, even though we had some issues never anything to warrant that kind of deceipt. I wanted to know how many, when, everything. It was harder having unknown 'women' involved. I saw a counsellor and wanted to work through everything after my husband convinced me. We had a young child at the time. Rebuilding trust was so very hard and even though throughout I found my husband had actually been contacting prostitutes for at least three years of our marriage the memories and reminders faded gradually. Until end of last year I found he had started again and gad for six months. I was adamant it was over and we had some grueling emotional discussions which never happened the first time round. I was working through everything and how to handle with a young child still when my husband was involved in a very serious accident which he's only just recovering from. Every day I plan to leave him but my anxiety and depression keep winning. I don’t trust him and am not in love anymore. He's not prepared to attend counselling. He did it once and it was too hard. If you can get past the deceipt and learn to trust then keep working on your marriage but both people have to want it. Good luck.