Im unable to get pregnant, partner wants a child outside of our relationship

[Magic1]

I would really appreciate any feedback regarding my situation. Im unable to get pregnant (age) even with IVF, my partner (14yrs younger with already has one young child from previous relationship) wants to have a son at some stage in the future outside of our relationship.

He wants a son to carry his name which I can't give, but he wants us to be a family but still be able to conceive a child outside of our relationship without having a relationship with this person who ever she will be.

He feels that if I think I cannot allow him to look for another women with whom he can have a child with, our relationship is over however he says he loves me to the moon and back and doesn't want us to separate. He doesn't want a new family, he just want a son (which is never guaranteed) in to this world and hopes he can play some kind of part with his upbringing at some point but has no desire to be under the same roof or share any decision makings. He hopes to meet a women who wants a baby without a father.

Is this normal behaviour? I can only see complications and heartbreaks looking at the bigger picture. Im at the verge of having a meltdown since this feels so heavy in my heart, not to mention my emotional level. We only been dating 6 months and we are happy together except with this issue.

He has agreed to come along to couple counselling where Im hoping that he will understand better the impact of complications on our relationship, not to mention the entire situation feels insane.

Any advise, feedback etc I would love hear besides "run while u can" .. 😉 I understand that this situation is very complicated and not logistical.

Thank u 🙂

[Magic1]

Dear Paul

Thank you again for your feedback, I feel that I need to love myself enough to tell my partner that him being intimate with another women (regardless that it would be for conceiving purpose) makes me physically sick. I know it would hurt me so much, it would drive me emotionally over the edge and it would be when our relationship would be heavily tested.

Even now just knowing that one day this will / may happen is already upsetting me which obviously he is feeling it (me being more emotional & teary) I will need to give him my answer very soon, he is away atm but this weekend I will have to tell him the results of IVF (he doesn't know the results yet, I only got them back few days ago).

I was fortunate enough to have a psychologist appt this morning, and I know in my heart that what my partner is asking from me is a lot ... even to the point that it is not right. It is not just a baby he is wanting, he is wanting a son .. so how many times would he even try until he gets what he wants etc.

I have schedule a couple session for next wk for both of us, and Im praying that this would help him understand the bigger picture. Im trying my hardest to find a solution for our problem since everything else is really good but this issue is massive , and cannot be ignored, it has to be dealt sooner than later.

I want to thank you for taking your time to express your own feedback, it makes sense more than my partner is making. When u love someone so much, and everything else is so good ... shouldn't that be enough?

His last relationship lasted over 10yrs and it was very unhealthy for him, it took him years to walk out and love himself enough to realise that emotional abuse is not right, and he deserves more.

He says he is so happy with me, I make him feel free, loved, respected, wanted and desired ... and he already has a child ... shouldn't this be enough for lifetime?

[BluBelle]

I'm confused by some of your partners ideal conditions for having a son. I don't know how many women would be interested in having a child with someone who is in a committed relationship and wants limited responsibility, but there may certainly be some - for example, lesbian couples, older single women or couples where the man is infertile. In all of these cases, sperm donation would be the chosen route. Is that an option you would consider? I don't know how it works in Australia, but I believe some donors are allowed to have "open" donations where their identity is disclosed. I don't know if any sane person would allow that to be contigent on the child's gender though. Or is it about physically impregnating someone?

If he just wants someone to carry his name, you could look at adoption. If he just wants someone to help guide into manhood and live vicariously through, he could mentor or foster. If he wants a little buddy, he can get a damn dog. There are so many ways to fulfil the motivations for wanting a son without demanding to impregnate a stranger!

[Magic1]

To everyone who contributed into my thread, the relationship broke down which is a blessing in disguise since it was chaotic and non logical at the time being.

I learned many valuable lessons through him, regardless it was very painful journey and the recovery continues still up today. It is amazing to see / feel things differently when you aren't emotionally involved as much.

Thank you again