Im unable to get pregnant, partner wants a child outside of our relationship

[Magic1]

I would really appreciate any feedback regarding my situation. Im unable to get pregnant (age) even with IVF, my partner (14yrs younger with already has one young child from previous relationship) wants to have a son at some stage in the future outside of our relationship.

He wants a son to carry his name which I can't give, but he wants us to be a family but still be able to conceive a child outside of our relationship without having a relationship with this person who ever she will be.

He feels that if I think I cannot allow him to look for another women with whom he can have a child with, our relationship is over however he says he loves me to the moon and back and doesn't want us to separate. He doesn't want a new family, he just want a son (which is never guaranteed) in to this world and hopes he can play some kind of part with his upbringing at some point but has no desire to be under the same roof or share any decision makings. He hopes to meet a women who wants a baby without a father.

Is this normal behaviour? I can only see complications and heartbreaks looking at the bigger picture. Im at the verge of having a meltdown since this feels so heavy in my heart, not to mention my emotional level. We only been dating 6 months and we are happy together except with this issue.

He has agreed to come along to couple counselling where Im hoping that he will understand better the impact of complications on our relationship, not to mention the entire situation feels insane.

Any advise, feedback etc I would love hear besides "run while u can" .. 😉 I understand that this situation is very complicated and not logistical.

Thank u 🙂

[uglybunny]

I went through a similar thing a few years ago. I was unable to get pregnant and went through multiple rounds of IVF, before our doctor told us that I would not be able to have children. My husband did not want to adopt because it was important to him that the child would be his own. We have since separated, but that doesn't mean that you have to. I think that it's important for you to consider all of your options.

One option that we were considering is using a donor egg and your husband's sperm to create a child. You could possibly still carry the child in your womb (depending upon your medical situation), which would be the ideal situation. You would hold the child inside you for nine months and still feel a special bond to it, even though it is not biologically yours.

If you are not able to do this, you may be able to find a friend or family member who would be willing to be a surrogate mother for you. Keep in mind though that pregnancy and childbirth is dangerous, even in this day and age, and so the person carrying the baby will be bearing that risk. How would you feel is something bad happened to that person? If you went ahead with a surrogate mother, that would be an exceptionally generous gift for them to give. They would always have a special relationship with you and your child.

Given these options, there is absolutely no reason for your husband to have a sexual relationship with the woman he has the child with (if that is what he was suggesting). That would be a transgression of your relationship and the trust you have in him. He needs to remain respectful of your feelings and wishes, and understanding of the complicated feelings you are going through. Coming to any sort of decision at all when faced with infertility is incredibly difficult.

I would advise you to talk to your IVF specialist about your fertility options (donor egg, surrogacy) if you feel comfortable in your relationship and secure in going ahead with having a child. Also, perhaps see a counsellor individually to talk through the feelings you are experiencing personally with your infertility, and with the request your husband has made of you. Whatever the decision you make is, you have to be 100% sure that it is the right decision for your own personal well-being - not just what somebody else wants for you. Be aware that you may be feeling guilt or sense of obligation because of your infertility. Try not to allow this to influence your decision. Best of luck!

[Zeal]

Hi Magic,

Welcome to the forum!

You are certainly in a difficult situation. I understand completely why you are upset about your partner's wish to get pregnant with another woman. It is great that you are both attending couple counselling together - that is what I would have suggested! Your partner wanting to influence the life of a biological son bearing his last name sounds as though he is trying to fulfil some sort of emotionally unmet need. This strong urge for a son is taking over his thoughts, and hopefully his thoughts and emotions surrounding this desire will become apparent during counselling.

The most important thing is that your partner loves you dearly and wants to remain with you. Hopefully the counselling will enable your partner to see the situation from your point of view. The issue isn't with your relationship - it's your partner's obsessive desire to have a son and raise him the way he wants to. It's possible your partner didn't have a great upbringing or felt disconnected from his father, and now wants to experience a father-son relationship in this unique way. I could be wrong here, but it's just a theory.

I hope your first counselling appointment goes well. It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Magic1]

Dear SM

Thank u so much! I think u just nailed it ... his parents divorced when he was young, and he ended up with his mother when his wish was to stay with his father. He feels anger towards his mother that she took all the children, and none of them had a say if they wanted to stay with their father or mother.

Thank u xo

[Magic1]

Dear Uglybunny

Thank u very much for your input, I have looked into donor eggs etc however finding someone who is willing to donate their eggs isn't as easy. There is a clinic in Brisbane but the treatment is 30,000 per cycle, and we can't afford to do this.

Thank u 🙂

[Apollo_Black]

I'm sorry but am I the only one who read this the wrong way?

Your boyfriend wants a son - understandable and normal

He has suggested a surrogate which you obviously feel uncomfortable with and he's saying it's a relationship ender if you don't agree - that's not so cool.

But this part is confusing and it could be the way you can't edit these posts:

"He doesn't want a new family, he just want a son (which is never guaranteed) in to this world and hopes he can play some kind of part with his upbringing at some point but has no desire to be under the same roof or share any decision makings. He hopes to meet a women who wants a baby without a father"

Do you mean the surrogate mother would have some part in the child's upbringing but nothing else? It's just that it sounds like he doesn't want any part in that which doesn't make sense...

so what if it's not a boy? I mean last time I heard, you can't dictate the sex. And what role does he play in his child from a precious relationship's life??? If he is an active participant in this child's life then his intentions would appear honorable.

These are all significant issues and worth considering. If you truly love this guy then counselling is a good idea. But I am deeply concerned he's only out for one thing - a son. And he's willing to set you aside for that objective. He may well have some deep issues to work through. If you are willing to go on that journey then all good.

You are willing to do all these things for him - after 6 months even. Really big things. But he's willing to end the relationship if you don't continue on his campaign for a son with him. This concerns me the most

[blondguy]

Hi Magic and welcome too 🙂

I support your post wholeheartedly pertaining to the love you have for your partner and supporting him.

Its only my humble opinion, but for a guy to have a gender specific desire for a beautiful new baby is very sad. I am not religious but am very spiritual in nature. I find your partners urgency on sexual preference upsetting.

I am deeply concerned and very sad that your partner only wishes to have a son. I have parents that are from overseas and we are non gender biased when it comes to the miracle of life when having a beautiful baby.

You are very strong to post on such a delicate subject Magic1 and you have my total respect for doing so. I wish you all my kindest thoughts with the love you have for each other as partners.

I am very very sorry that he wishes to only have a son to merely carry on his name. You and your partners' happiness and a wonderful new baby are paramount here....not the gender of a beautiful newborn child.

I do sincerely hope that your counseling goes well for you both and have a healthy daughter or son

My kindest thoughts for you Magic1

Paulx

[Magic1]

Dear Apollo Black

We have not considered surrogacy since it is fairly new to Australia, and laws are still blurred.

In reality, black & white as crazy as it sounds he wants a son to be born into this world, the child would stay with the mother but our home would always be open for a visit. He has this obsession of having a son ... I don't understand myself since if you are in a healthy, happy relationship .. shouldn't this be enough? He has a daughter who he sees as much as he can.

Im finding myself doubting my own judgement .. when I feel something here is not right, but I get told by him that if I love him enough, I should allow him to have this some time in the future when he feels he is ready. His view is that if the roles were vice versa, he would allow me to seek "sperm" outside of our relationship.

Am I even crazy considering that this relationship has hope? I find myself doubting my own sanity & logic.

Yes , you are absolutely right .. there are no guarantees that the baby will be a boy .. how many times do you try to conceive until you have a boy?? This is the reason why I want him to come with me to counselling, to make him realise what he is asking, if its even realistic ... unless we separate and he finds another partner who can do all this for me since Im unable. Im very lost here with this issue , even tho my own rational thinking is telling me that something isn't right.

[Magic1]

Dear Paul

Thank u for your kind words 🙂 , it is sad to realise that our happiness is depending me allowing to have this freedom. As a women I feel already inadequate since Im unable to become pregnant. I would have been happy with a healthy baby , regardless of the sex.

Another issue concerns me is that my partner isn't into relationships without emotional attachments, how can u have sex with another women outside of your own relationship, and think it won't have an impact. It will have a massive impact on me, and most likely for the other person involved.

More I read or discuss this issue, more insane the whole situation sounds ...but yet here I find myself doubting whats right or wrong since our world is black / white.

[blondguy]

Hello Magic, I felt really bad sending you what I did. Thankyou for allowing me to have my opinion. Your post really made me feel sad...not only because you couldnt have children but about having a partner that wants boy.

My mum is from Finland and my dad is a pom. I am not a snob or anything Magic, I was only respectfully thinking about the love you have for your partner...

I am fortunate to be physically fit and have all my hair....I am single...but I do miss my ex who is ill and lives about 2 hours away. I couldnt have sex with another girl as my heart is still with my ex girlfriend...even though she isnt interested in me anymore. It wouldnt matter if she was a goddess..I just couldnt 'physically' do it. If that makes me less of a man so be it. My girlfriends thoughts/wishes would come first.

I am not meant to be judgemental as a volunteer (have had anxiety/depression since 1983) on the forums but my Scandinavian mother always told/nagged me to look after and respect my girlfriends first...and to place myself second. She is 86 and knows what she is talking about.

I respect where you are coming from Magic...As an outsider (me) your happiness is paramount here....not mine...and not your partners either.

I couldnt have any intimate relations with a person when my heart belonged to someone else. Not possible.

You are an intelligent and well articulated person. You deserve and are entitled to respect on this matter Magic

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish Magic. The forums are rock solid secure for your privacy.

In my heart you are not inadequate in any way even if you are unable to become pregnant. You have great inner strength and are more than capable of being a diamond of a life partner.

I admire you strength and attitude Magic

My kindest wishes

Paulxx