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I want to leave, but I'm unsure and afraid

J_123
Community Member

This is a long one, so please bear with me. Ive been with my husband for 7 years but only married for 2 and I'm unhappy. For over a year now I've been struggling with the idea that we've grown apart and I can't see the future anymore, and I don't really to. He held me back a lot from the things I wanted to do and triggered my anxiety often so I'd end up blaming myself for him not wanting to hang out and do things I wanted to do. He never wanted to do anything with me and I assumed it was my fault. At the start of this year I put up my walls because I assumed he didn't love me and started protecting myself, this unfortunately lead me to start to have feelings for one of my good friends. This has driven me even further away from my husband and has made me realise that I should not have married him, I should've broken up with him years ago, but I think I was codependant and afraid of being alone. I kept hoping and thinking "things will be better after we get married" but I was wrong.

He isn't a bad person, but I feel like we have little in common and I find it very hard to talk to him. We will have stretches of silence that will last hours where I'll be throwing around for something to say and then will get 3 words in reply. Our interests and passions are no longer the same and I am terrified I'll fall pregnant because then I'll be stuck (we haven't been intimate in nearly 2 months anyway).

If I weren't married, I'd break up with him. But divorce is such a big, scary thing and I do care for him, I just don't love him anymore. I know some people live through marriages like this, it's not like he's horrible to me, I'm just not happy. I'm scared I'm throwing away something so many people want because I'm unsettled, but that's the thing, I now realised I settled for this marriage, it was never truly right. We've always had big differences and I changed myself for him.

I've tried googling this and lots of people have this problem 20+ years in and there are help articles about "challenge yourself to fall in love again". It shouldn't be so hard or a challenge after TWO years should it? I'm terrified of what it'll be like in 5 years. I have always felt like a marriage should be to your best friend, but I've learnt to appreciate my own company because of this marriage as I've never done more stuff alone.

Im so scared for him, I'm scared he will fall into a depression and not be able to get out if I leave. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I already am.

6 Replies 6

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Jacjack, I'm so sorry no one has replied back to you, sometimes the site can get busy and some threads are going to be addressed to, later on, my apologies.

If you are going out with someone and believe that if you get married it will all change, unfortunately, this doesn't happen, it could even make the situation worse as there are many commitments to agree/disagree on, it's not a chance to wish for.

I agree if you do fall pregnant then your situation will become complicated and at this stage try not too, and I can't say to you to avoid it.

As you have feelings for a good friend does make this tricky, however, if you do leave your husband, doesn't stop you from loving him, the only thing being you can't live together, no different to my marriage that has ended in divorced.

We talk to each other and see one another, and yes I still love her, and achieved a great deal in our marriage but it came to a point where it ended.

I haven't mentioned about going to counselling by yourself, joint maybe where you are on different pages or it's possible to pretend what's troubling you, so have you considered this?

Medication can help to make yourself better but there are no medicines that can rejoin the union between either of you.

I'm so sorry for being late.

Geoff.

GoodWitch
Community Member

Hi Jacjack

You're right now is the time to deal with this. It is/will be much more difficult if you carry on putting of the difficult conversations and you end up pregnant. The idea of divorce is terrible at any time, but once children are involved it is much more complicated. If you are feeling this way now - that you don't love him anymore, that you don't want to have children with him or grow old with him - you need to talk to him about it sooner rather than later.

It's an easy mistake to make, the 'if we get married things will be different', so don't criticise yourself too much. It's actually great that you've recognised these feelings before you brought kids into the relationship. If you have nothing in common and can't even have lively conversations now, that doesn't bode well for a happy future. I initially came to these forums because I had the exact feelings you describe, but I am 20yrs into a relationship with 2 kids. There is a lot of water under the bridge, 20yrs worth of things that were left unsaid and unresolved. At 2yrs, we were both still full of love and optimism. If you already feel you've lost that at this early stage you can't carry on the way things are as they won't magically improve.

As hard as it is you need to be honest with your hub. Tell him you feel the love is gone, ask him how he feels. Perhaps he feels the same. Or perhaps he will be devastated. But he'll be even more devastated if you up and leave without talking to him first. I know from experience that being honest is hard, but worth it in the long run. If there's anything left to save, only openness will save it.

If there's not, best you both know that now.

Good luck

GW

I hope this helps

GW

Hi Jacjack,

Just came across your post, it caught my eye as I'm trying to find my way around the forums as a newbie not knowing quite where to post...

From someone who didn't make the split when they knew they should... and stayed... and ended up pregnant... and made a family with him... and stayed, and tried so hard for so long. For me, no matter how much trying, quite simply he was the wrong choice and I have to live with the consequences of not making the split when I could (prevented by fear, thinking he would 'grow up/change/learn', youthful loyalty, family expectations and in those days and divorce was not as acceptable as it is now) each and every day and I am miserable. I would have been better off alone that how things have turned out with him and I can't go back and change it. I wish I could.

Just one opinion from someone who's been there.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Jacjack, just wondering how you are going and if you like, it would be great to hear back from you.

Geoff.

J_123
Community Member

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for replying.

I spoke to him last week about how I was feeling. About how I feel I can't talk to him, even on our good days I'm throwing around for something to say. I told him I didn't feel like we had a connection anymore, like we haven't been partners in a very long time, that I feel like we are roommates. He said "we will get through this, we can work on this", to which I said "I just worry that if it's like this after 2 years, what's it going to be like in the future? It shouldn't be this hard" he was very upset. We talked about how he gets lonely when I go out and do things, but I get lonely doing these things by myself and how he wouldn't have fun out with me anyway. I told him this isn't new, it's something I've been struggling with for a while and I don't know what to do about it anymore. He said "I love you, I want to make this work, but I understand if you don't", to which I just sobbed. I don't want to leave him but the thought of actually staying makes my insides twist and fills me with a feeling similar to disappointment and longing. We left the conversation at that and I know I need to drag it up again and tell him I don't think it's something we can work out, that I think we should separate. But I'm SO worried about him, he isn't going to take this well, I can't see him moving on and I feel awful I've ruined all his dreams of a family and home. But those aren't my dreams anymore. I'm worried he will never find love again, particularly as he doesn't like going out and socialising anymore.

I honestly feel a bit better for telling him, but I feel even more so like we are roommates now. I still worry I'm making the wrong decision still.

Im going away at the end of this week, so originally I was going to tell him I would be staying at my mother's for a while after coming back, give myself some space and see how I feel. But I've lost my nerve and am running out of time.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Jacjack, thanks so much for getting back to us, and one way he can eventually move forward is knowing that you're not there with him, it's a decision where you have to look after yourself, because if you worry all the time then your life is not going to fulfilling.

It's no different to when my wife left me, she had to move away to better herself, but I didn't want this, I wanted her to stay, but if she did, nothing would have changed, it would still be a 'merry-go-round', her struggling as well as myself.

Now I feel better, I still love her, but we can't live together any more, someone had to make a move and it was her.

Do what you want to do, if you keep worrying then you won't get better.

Take care and please keep on touch.

Geoff.