I want to fight for my marriage, but am I delusional?

[AlwaysUnrequited]

My wife and I have been together for over five years and have two beautiful children. When we are alone we get along great, date often, explore, laugh. Children changed us in that both their births were traumatic and we are both still processing aspects of it. We didn't get the happy early moments to help us deal with the tough slog of parenting. Then sprinkle lack of support with covid on top. We are both ambitious so we were in addition renovating a house at the same time which forced me to work very long hours. With overwork and dealing with my own emotional processing of trauma I didn't realise my wife wasn't processing her trauma properly and she feels betrayed by me. It was all too much and we pushed ourselves too far.

We did couples counselling where she mentioned she had thoughts of leaving, so I took drastic measures to support her. We began talking and sharing. Improvements were obvious. She finally took up activities outside of being a mum enrolling in a new course. I could see her re-emerging from post natal. But because of this improvement I stopped asking how she was as much as I thought we had gotten to the point where she would be able to share. We were still intimate until about a month ago, where I now discovered she was approaching a year deadline of deciding whether the marriage will work unbeknownst to me. Started avoiding me. Then dropped a bombshell that she had had enough.

I'm still in shock. Love her very deeply and she loves me, just the romantic love falls in and out. I think part of that is she senses chemistry with her new group of friends and in comparison I seem boring. But I do most of the cleaning, night time kid shifts, equal cooking, equal time looking after the kids and provide all the income. She has no issues with any practical things. I have lots of hobbies, just limited time. Because of this I've not had time for my friends so my wife has the burden of being my sole adult emotional outlet until I break out of the baby raising phase.

I'm gearing up for a further fight, but I'm not sure if I'm kidding myself and being manipulated. She has said that her outlook on the institution has changed and is not sure she believes in marriage. She wants to explore connections with other people and believes that's a fuller life experience. That maybe we are only meant to be with certain people for phases of life and not have life partners. Which hurts me deeply because I feel like I've been laying most of the foundation precisely to have that more enjoyable part of life in the coming years only to find out that maybe I was only useful for the hard work part. I think of her as a soul mate and fully believe life partners are real and are a fuller experience of life that is rare as gold. I just want the chance to have the fun part of life with my soul mate.

I'm already seeking out as many therapists as I can, exercising, eating sleeping and talking to friends/family so please no posts with that generic advice. I want to know how do I know if I'm being delusional looking for hope? When I think about it all it looks logically like she's moved on, but that doesn't seem right given how connected it felt a month ago. I'm assured there isn't another person specifically and at the moment she is after space to see if she has the energy to fight for something between us. I'm still a roller-coaster of emotion and my brain can't even start to fathom an actual seperation. Therapist sessions will mainly be used to try to prepare to avert a mental breakdown in case that is the reality ahead of me. Thanks for the time for reading. Always full of love

[smallwolf]

hello,

I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through this painful time. It's clear how deeply you care for her and your family. Trauma and parenting stress can profoundly impact a marriage. While the path forward is uncertain, stay hopeful.

With compassionate communication and willingness to understand each other's pain, reconciliation may still be possible. Focus on listening and expressing your love and commitment. I know that you are looking at counselling as well - whether this is find constructive ways forward and processing what is happening...

Whatever happens this will take time, patience and commitment from both of you. Please try to stay strong through the uncertainty and keep sight of what matters most - your bond and family.

Listening if you want to chat some more.

[KindnessWithin]

I’m very sorry to hear how hard this has been and it sounds as though you have been put through the wringer.

I agree there are always two sides to a story..but what stands out you alone are doing a lot to keep the family bond going. It seems your wife may be on a different path and doesn’t appreciate what you are doing.

It even be time to share the load equally and have your wife take on more of those duties you are doing (way too many by the way).

All the best.

[randomxx]

Very sorry to hear it op l can't really get too involved in marriage things any more as l went through it all myself and want it behind me.

But do you ask yourself so where is your support and all those same efforts effort from her?

Your equally as important in your marriage it's not all just about her.

You were doing long hours and yet what your cleaning cooking looking after the kids and worrying about supporting her better too saving your marriage and intimacy too, your own MH, what exactly is she doing for you and your marriage, apart from plotting an escape ?

Seems courses new friends giving up on her marriage and supporting you is jumping out at me, how is this all your fault?

Sorry if that's a bit harsh but it seems to be all through your post and all just about her yet somehow your the bad guy.

rx