I am a bag of rabid cats all set to rip world apart...

PeterJupiter

Hi all,

Umm, this is major leap for me, I don't talk about myself to anyone very easily. I am waiting for my appointment on Wednesday (29 Jan 2025), but need to talk to anyone, anyone else. So here goes...

I am 41 years old now, living in one of, by my opinion, the most beautiful locations in the far north QLD & the world, Cairns.

My wife & I moved here for a better, more relaxed life after living in Sydney for 10 years & other major metropolises around the world, the rat race essentially.

But, the relocation and living here has been anything but wonderful...

We fight, argue, bicker about pretty much everything. And I always just give up eventually, no matter rightly or wrongly because it's just easier. Because I "always" do this, or "always" do that. We were travelling over Xmas & it all just got too much, I popped, I'd had enough, & I told her I wanted a divorce, not once, tour times over a span of 6 weeks, the most recent been a week ago.

To give some context, up until a week ago, I had been taking some herbal adrenal support supplements for the last 18 months, to manage my stress & aggressive responses, which was working, until I changed brands because I couldn't get my chosen 'working' one. The last two months I had gone from been thoughtful & loving, to 'the world is ending', 'what is the point of everything'.

So I am sure you can agree, that all things seem to be pointing to the meds... nope, off the meds, feeling normal...ish, but the realisations that this women is not a match for me, & now without my mind under the control of some 'thing' I have never been clearer.

I am asking myself questions that I did ask when I was first about to get married, but ignored, my problem is now explaining to her, outside of all the discoveries that have been in the last week about how I seem to part of a small percentage of people that ashwaghanda does not play nice with, that my feelings now, are what they have always been, but I was too much a coward & peacekeeper to admit it to myself or anyone else, that she is not & was never the one.

The fact is, in her words "always do...", or not do, this or that, so basically I am bag of rapid cats ready to rip the world apart, "I must get meds from a psychiatrist".

I am at my end, I need figure out how to just move on, as she seems to think I will 'get better' & love her again, I am only hoping that Wednesday will give me the tools I need.

This is small part of my mind, thanks for reading/listening.

PeterJupiter

I have so much to get off my chest...

How do I move onwards from a relationship that gives me so much anxiety & stress I want to sceam & cry & just... implode!

I recently had a massive blowup personally where I now want out of my 13 year marriage, now, no 12 month separation, just out. For so long I have felt that my marriage was off, that something wasn't right. I think I have always lied to myself, saying it will get better, but it doesn't, it never has.

I have realised, not recently, so more accurately, I have finally stopped lying to myself, and admitted that the woman I married has very little in common with me. We don't enjoy doing the same things. For example, she never enjoyed superhero movies, but watched them anyway with, until it recent blowup with me saying that I wanted a divorce, that she finally admitted she never really enjoyed the movies. Now I know, marriage, or any relationship, is about compromise, but, I do not, & have never had an issue with doing things on my own. You don't want to watch the movie, no issues, I will watch it on my own & we can do something else that we both want to do, that's my compromise. But for her, I suggest something, and there is invariably a reason why not to do it. And then she will tell me, we don't go out anywhere... WTF?!!?

Anyway, anything I want to do, is too hot, or too cold, or this or that or whatever. We used to talk so much, & then we started arguing and bickering more and more as the years went on.

Enter my 40th (Dec 2023), we are all set for a 21 night cruise, and along comes a cyclone, baring down upon Cairns, I say, let's go early to Sydney, rather stay an extra few days & we get onto the cruise, but no, "it will be fine"... Nope, it wasn't, the airport flooded, we didn't get onto our cruise. The whole shebang induced so much stress & anxiety that we blew up with a major fight.

Long story short, we got out of Cairns and joined the cruise halfway through in Fiji, but on my birthday, I said something that annoyed her, & another fight, which she then said maybe we need to take a break. I said no, I can be better & will work on myself.

But, here is the kicker, she didn't say, the words, the actual words "I love you" to me for a year, a year! I couldn't even feel, that she maybe loved me.

I am already on a knifes edge and she alienated me, and now she wonders why I said I wanted a divorce, 4 times in the last 6 weeks.

She believes we can work out things, I don't, I am done... just, please, let me go.

indigo22

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for trusting us enough to reach out.

Firstly, because these forums are anonymous, I want to make sure you are not using your real name. If you are, I highly suggest changing to a different user name (I have not used your user name just in case).

Now that is out of the way, I can feel the angst in your post and would like to try to help as best I can.

I hope you won't mind me asking a few questions for clarification. You said that some of the questions you are asking yourself now are the same as you asked yourself, but ignored, when you were getting married. I think it's fairly common to have some doubts when getting married, so I am wondering what the marriage has been like for the 10 years you referred to. Has it only changed since you moved to where you are now? Or was it similar, but you were just trying to ignore it in the past?

I am a supporter of herbals but I also know that there are some herbals that don't agree with some people and wonder if you are fully detoxed. Have you been off them long enough to have detoxed?

The other thing that I am wondering is whether or not, this is the first time you have suppressed your anger. The reason I am wondering this is because some of us are taught from a young age that it is not acceptable to be angry and we learn to suppress it until it will no longer be suppressed. So the question I am asking is - Is your current anger all about your relationship, or is there a past factor involved also? These are only questions, not judgements, I hope you get that. We don't judge anyone, I am just trying to understand your situation more clearly.

I am glad you have an appointment set up, but I am also happy to keep conversing with you in the meantime.

Please let me know your thoughts,

indigo

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo22,

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it, I honestly wasn't expecting any responses, let alone so quickly. So thank you.

Yes, I am using a pseudonym, it isn't my real name, I am in software development, so I am acutely aware of my privacy on the great black hole that is the internet.

I am very happy to answer your questions.

So I have been married for 13 years now, we have been through so much together, we moved countries, states & cities on several occasions & now with me wanting to call it quits after she threatened multiple times over the years "if I didn't sort myself out" she suddenly, loves me, after plainly refusing to say the words for a whole year! I admit I am not always the easiest to live with, & this is to your other point, yes I have a lot of older issues that have affected me & that I have never dealt with. I come from a family where the men are "strong like bull, nothing hurts bull". So you suck it up, bury it and move on.

But, now, with her past threats, my need to hear the words that would make everything better, at least in the short-term, that I hopefully deal with things better, our lack of intimacy for the last 9 years & anytime I brought it or any of my concerns up, it either was a fight or no discussion at all, it all blew up.

So, the questions the I was asking and ignored, I ignored because I learnt early on as a kid, standing on your own two feet was ok, as long it only affects you. If anyone else is "inconvenienced", that's just not done... so I became a peacekeeper, I would just back down and wave the white flag, what I wanted, didn't matter. I did the same thing with my marriage, to my disadvantage in many cases, and when my work stresses got out control, I would fight back, and that would then boil all these things up. But, she was waiting and ready, the thing that I did 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago, that was all there, ready and loaded. That would lead to her threats of separation, and me backing down, begging for forgiveness for my failures and saying I would do better.

It's funny, because, my best man, he asked me at my batchelor's, just one question, "Is she trying to change you?". I lied, and said no. I never understood the reason for question, till now, and I am sure he knew I was lying, but he never said anything. I suppose, you make your bed, you lay in it.

The adrenal support supplements I was taking, I started because of a bad work situation that I could not get out of easily, so handled it, they 'worked' but, looking back, they also dulled my sense of me, whom I really am. I was more placid, serving if you will, but not to myself. Until this latest batch, which has something wrong with it, even though it has the exact same dosages of all the exact same ingredients (according to the packaging anyway).

I have been on liver detox tablets and they have worked wonders, I have never been this clear of mind in years, two days after just stopped taking the supplements I was already better. As I was all doom and gloom, I am an avid gamer, I couldn't even be bothered to play a stupid mobile game a week ago, now I am back, streaming and recording my gameplay from my exhaustive Steam collection and loving it. Oh and that bugs her too, she has never been supportive of my love for games, she says one thing, but her body language and eyes say something completely different.

So to answer your question, no, my anger and anxiety are not limited to the relationship, but I feel, that the relationship is far too toxic for me to continue, because, I know, if I were to persevere, it would not be real. I don't have those feelings for her anymore, and while I understand her trying to hang on, because maybe it is real for her and a break up hurts like hell. But, my realisation has been that my 'love' for her, may have been a lie for much much longer than I realise or even want to admit.

I believe that is separating will allow us both to heal and move on, it will hurt, but I don't feel or see an opportunity for another path.

I am hoping Wednesday is going to give me at least something that I can work with, something that says I am of the right mind, that I am not imagining things.

Thank you again for your reply, just conversing with this has been therapeutic in itself.

Regards

PeterJupiter

indigo22

Hi again PeterJupiter,

Thank you for the clarification, I feel I understand your situation more now.

It really does help to get things out of your head and talk about them, so I am glad you are finding this therapeutic.

I will be around whenever you want to talk, although I may not always respond as quickly as today, I will always respond as soon as I am able.

My impression is that you have been avoiding being your true self for much of your life, first with your family and then with your wife. Your wife has been trying to make things more acceptable to her, which may trace back to her own upbringing, and neither one of you has really been comfortable in the relationship for many reasons that only a therapist would help uncover over time.

I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason, I also believe that when the reason has come to light, the relationship either grows stronger or has served it's purpose and falls away. By that I mean any type of relationship that we have with others. It is not as easy time you are going through, I recognise that and I am sorry you are in turmoil at present.

Therapy will help you sort things out, in between sessions can be a difficult time in the beginning so I would suggest making use of the helplines when you need to talk to someone in real time. And use the forum when it is not so pressing.

We all have our coping mechanisms, the gaming has become your way of coping with a less than ideal situation and it is a much healthier alternative to drugs or alcohol.

I made some questionable decisions when I was younger too, we all do, it's how we learn. Sometimes the lesson is more painful than others, so long as we learn from them and remember not to make the same errors going forward, that's what counts.

I will be going offline now but will be back tomorrow if you want to talk some more.

Take care,

indigo

PeterJupiter

Hi Indigo,

Thank you 👍

I do realise that very quick responses on forums are not the norm, so all good there, but I am thankful you were able to reply so quickly, it allowed me to get out of my own head.

Your impression is spot on, I have always hidden away, it was just easier. There are times though that I have come out of hiding and it has had some... ugly... consequences.

For example, my wife is not the same race as myself and obviously my family. That is a massive issue in my country of birth, race is still a very sensitive topic in my birth country, but it was/is an even bigger issue for my family.

This led to fights with my family and at one stage I stopped talking to my family for 5 years, and even now, even though we are on much better terms and my wife has been 'accepted', I don't tell them everything because my wife doesn't want them in our business. Hell, my family doesn't even know I moved, they still believe we live in Sydney. That's going to be an interesting conversation one day, the lie is eating me up, and the whole having to check what the weather is like in Sydney before I talk to them, as my father loves everything weather, and not to mention that QLD doesn't have daylight savings... It's not healthy for me.

And now, now that I have stopped hiding and I am fully open and releasing the real me, it's like there is nothing we have in common, nothing to talk about. Because she doesn't understand any of my interests, and actually doesn't want to, at least that's my point of view, based the discussions with her.

All the other issues aside, that fact that I know she doesn't trust me, but when I called her our on it she denied it. And that caused another fight. And that is the very reason for my hiding, the whole idea I may cause an argument by just opening my mouth, is why I never did. I have always felt I could never say anything without any form of retribution.

I don't know what the real reason for her coming into my life was. The simple fact is I would most likely not be in Australia now if it weren't for her, she was the one with the visa, I got added to her visa, I am the tag along... I she reminded me of that fact, in our last fight, saying that her family warned her I was going to use her.

So after 13 years, the reasons for the apprehension, judgement and trust issues come out. I know we all say things in anger and despair, but, I always believe, that these things while may only be said in anger or despair, they are said because there is at least a grain of truth behind them.

Yes, agreed, my life is filled with questionable decisions, but I believe it is time to actually start learning from them, which I think until now, I have not.

I suppose you are right about the gaming been a coping mechanism, it makes sense, I can get lost in gaming for many hours at a time, very easily, so what you say makes sense.

I have an EAP call tomorrow morning, so that should help, but I am really looking to the in-person appointment on Wednesday to make difference or something, not sure what to expect.

Anyway, thank you for been there, it has been a welcome release.

Thanks again

PJ

indigo22

Hi PJ,

I hope your call helped you today.

From what you have said, I think the reason your wife came into your life was to enable you to distance yourself from the controlling influence of your family, so that you could begin to be your true self. But you kept your true self hidden with your wife as well. She hasn't really known you, hence now having nothing in common to talk about. When we repress/supress out true thoughts and feelings, over time they can create physical issues or illnesses to get our attention. First it will be a gentle nudge, if we ignore it for long enough, it can end up like being hit by a bus.

You are right about it not being healthy not telling your family you have moved. I don't think you need to make it a big deal for yourself (ie. when you actually moved), just say you recently moved and it was a quick decision so you don't have to keep up the pretence anymore.

I do agree with the thought that what is said in anger has at least a grain of truth in it. I hope you find at least some of the answers you are looking for on Wednesday. In my experience with therapy, try to hone in on the most important things you want to talk about in the first session, the rest can and will be talked about over time.

I hope today has been a better day,

indigo

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo,

Thanks for the reply.

Unfortunately the call didn't help much.

I tend to disagree with you a little, when we first met, my wife actually got me to open up, I was very closed off to everyone and everything, but over time, she also started trying to change me.

Back then I just accepted it, but now, now it's different. Our fights in recent years have been about me 'reverting' after a few weeks of 'trying to be better'.

So yeah, not sure how to process things.

Wednesday is coming I suppose.

Thanks

PeterJupiter

indigo22

Hi PJ,

Sorry the call wasn't all that helpful today. You do seem calmer today though.

I think we are pretty much in agreement. Just seeing things from a different perspective.

You would 'revert' if you are trying to be someone you are not for another person.

It's a good thing that you were able to start opening up, it can be a little too easy for us humans to close ourselves off to others. Perhaps the more you opened up, the more she wanted to change about you which is a mistake a lot of people make in a relationship. There needs to be some compromise on each side but not necessarily change. It actually isn't possible to change someone else, only yourself, and only then if you believe it is warranted.

I know I came very close to shutting my heart off completely, never to let another soul in. What saved me was the unconditional love of my cat, she made sure I kept my heart open. Animals are so intuitive and are able to give us what we need. I lost her recently after 16 years, but my heart it still open thanks to her.

As I said, this is not an easy time you are going through, but you are doing the best things to get through it.

It is just going to take some time to fully process.

Try not to stay in your head for too long at a time and be kind to yourself,

indigo

PeterJupiter

Hi indigo,

Thanks yes, I am calmer today, even my galaxy watch agrees lol. But that is thanks to not having to deal with any of this today as I was playing games the whole day.

My wife did her thing, I did mine. But, even when we are in the same room, I have not felt like we are together. I have felt, for a long time now, that am just wearing this mask that says I am happily married but there are so many other ideas and feelings underneath.

And this is now where the big problem is, my wife cannot process the whole idea that this has been like this for a while. She even asked how I could fall out of love, how do I answer that.

The thing is, like I told her, it's never one thing, and as to when, I could never say. It just happened. And of course then comes the "so 13 years means absolutely nothing to you" and "so the one person that has stuck with you through it all is what you are chucking away" and "I could have left so many times, but stuck with you because I love you".

My anxiety and stress levels are skyrocketing just typing this now.

In just know, deep down, no matter what, I would rather be alone than continue in this marriage. And she hates me saying this, but I also wouldn't want to drag her alone on this "torturous journey" that I am going through, only to end in the same spot a year, 2 years or more where I want the divorce.

In this last spat 2 weeks ago, her sister told her to move out, find a place in Sydney and she would give her all the support she needed. Then we find this whole medication thing, explaining many of my feelings or lack of feelings, anhedonia to be specific, and then suddenly that gave her hope and she and her sister are now at odds. So not only is our marriage falling apart, her sister is angry with her and they aren't speaking.

I actually want to tell her to make up with her sister and get her support and we continue with the separation we started. The apartment is still going to be sold, regardless. So now I am trying to figure out how to use the psychologist sessions to initiate this.

As I feel the longer this drags on, the worse it will be for the both of us. Her sister hates me know anyway, she is already anti-men so yeah, I just don't know how to handle this situation now.

The separation will be lawyer free with an informal agreement as we have always had separate finances, except mortgages, and that's the reason for the sale, I would love to keep the apartment, but I cannot on my own salary with the refinance requirements. We agreed it would be amicable and that's that. No kids, so that makes it easier too.

I just need to tell her, and that is where I am stuck, I have made my decision, I just don't want to deal with the backlash.

If I stay, I will be miserable and putting on a show for the rest of my life.

Thanks again.

PeterJupiter