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I want marriage/kids, he doesn't. Can this be resolved? *Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts*

Linkala
Community Member
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating during a difficult period in my life, difficult enough that I was getting my affairs in order and planning to kill myself.

I knew from the start that he hates marriage and kids, but it didn't matter at the time because A) I'd been told that I'd never be able to have children. B) I couldn't forsee either of us developing deeper feelings for each other, and C) I didn't plan on being around long enough for it to become an issue.

Then we developed deeper feelings for each other anyway. He supported me in ways I'd never had before, helped me get in contact with doctors and stuck with me while I trialled new medications. I abandoned my plan to suicide, not everything was perfect but I was happier than I'd ever been.

I've talked to him about the idea of getting married on multiple occassions, and his attitude is always along the line of "Why bother? We'll probably just end up divorced. We could even fall out of love tomorrow". It's hurtful to hear that he has so little faith in our relationship, and I feel guilty asking for more after all the support he's given me, so I've tried to keep it to myself.

Then about 2 months ago I went to a new ObGyn and he saw evidence in my scans that indicate my original diagnosis of infertility may have been wrong. I was told to take a course of medications until April, which is when I'll have more tests and he'll determine whether I can have kids or not.

So now there's a chance that I'll be told kids are an option again, which is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to worry about it right now, and that he'll try to re-think his stance on children after I've been told one way or the other, but he's also says that he hopes my infertility is irreversable.

Whatever the doctor may say in April this whole issue has made me doubt our relationship. I love him more than I'd ever thought possible, we live together, spend every day with one another, share the same interests, etc. But he still operates on the mind-set that we could fall out of love at the drop of a hat and prefers that I stay infertile, which is hurtful on innumerable levels.

I have no idea how to talk this through with him, or if it's something that we can resolve at all.
3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

Mmm, my heart goes out to you. That terrible path of suicidal plans and the trauma. Been there.

I think you might have to consider, some time in the future, to forgo your relationship. Sure he came along at the right time, gave you amazing support etc but that doesn't mean you owe him anything in return e.g. not having children when it's a life goal.

So due to your history I think it wise to seek counseling for yourself. His lack of security is for him to sort out indeed I'd he chooses.

If you can have children then I'd seek that life. I'd make it clear to him he has choices- to seek a family life together or separate.

I agree with him marriage is not that important and if u was you I'd trade tgat off and agree with him to remain unmarried as he seems to link marriage with split ups.

Good luck with your fertility...youve got a chance with having children, I hope it all comes together for you. Keep fighting and it will.

TonyWK

pgsc
Community Member

It seriously seems he is not the right person for you. Look elsewhere for a meaningful relationship.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Linkala,

I understand the desire to want to stand by someone who has stood by you in difficult times. However, if that means sacrificing marriage and children then you will need to determine whether that is a price you are willing to pay, as it is quite a steep price and one of those decisions will ultimately be irreversible. I know that some of the others said to give up on marriage, but if that’s something that is important to you then I don’t think you should necessarily have to. But if it turns out that children aren’t an option, then it may perhaps be something that you can reconsider if it is truly worth the sacrifice alone. I don’t think you need to make a decision right this instant given the uncertainty surrounding your infertility but may be something that you revisit when you know more? I can also understand how hurtful it must be to hear your partner wish a medical condition such as infertility on you when it is clearly something that you hold so dear. I suspect that he is just being rather insensitive rather than deliberately cruel in that instance as it means that he doesn’t have to have children, which sorts out his problem.