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I've let down my wife, now she needs a break

DaveKay
Community Member

This is so hard to write...

my wife (of 4years) called tonight to say she's had enough, and I don't blame her.

we're currently living part as she's just moved interstate for work with the 2 kids (3yo & 18m). I went up to visit yesterday, to look at houses to buy. We had n argument and finally enough is enough. We have the same argument about the same thing. I feel she doesn't appreciate the hard work, sacrifices and contributions I make and she feels I don't help her enough. It ends in shouting and, this is the root of our problems, me swearing at her.

After years of this, last night was finally the deal breaker. I completely understand this, the way it makes her feel and how abusive it is. It's reactionary, driven from anger and frustration, and completely at odds with how much I love her.

i need to get this fixed and i don't know where to start. I don't think trying to resolve how I view our differences will help. I want to stop flaring up. I want to stop getting so angry when I feel something is unfair. I want to stop swearing, lashing out and being so disrespectful.

ive tried to make changes myself over the years, it hasn't worked. I'm long overdue in getting this sorred

I'm looking for help to work out where to start. If it takes getting hypnotised to tweet like a bird instead of swearing ill do it. We're going to have a few weeks break with no contact, and I'm determined to be a better man.

any advice would be greatly apprecaited.

Cheers,DK

10 Replies 10

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Dave Welcome to the forums and if I can say 'good on you' for having the strength to post too! It
takes guts to write. I'm Paul I hope I can help...even if its only a
little. These forums are rock solid secure Dave to ensure your privacy,
so no worries there. The forums are also a non judgemental zone too...so
you are speaking to people that can empathize with what you are going
through.
I understand where you are coming from as I used to
lash out as well. Like you have mentioned its a dead end where
communication is concerned. The frustration and angst I can understand
when
you love someone...it can come out the wrong way...I rememberYour words
are of iron and you are committed to having a 'tune up'..that is a huge
step DK...seriously..Can
I ask if you have a GP that you get along with even reasonably? They
can be a huge help as per the training they get nowadays compared to
even 10 years ago. I have never been hyptonised either...I just booked
in with a psychologist (when I had the dollars) as well as a community
health worker (council..shire) and they had me crying like a baby ...so I
could vent all of the anger out that my dad brought us up with...The
first couple of appointments were awkward as I was holding my feelings
back....but I am glad they poked around and penetrated my silly 'macho
BS' mentality to make me 'let go'In a nutshell....the more
frequent the counseling is...the more you will 'let go' of the
swearing...lashing out..etc..I saw my counselor once week for a few
months....This
guy gave me my life back 🙂 and gave me some peace and the ability to
communicate at a better level instead of getting aggro the way I used
too
I also discovered why they had a box of tissues on the
table.......(so I could let go and cry my eyes out)There are many really
kind people on the forums that can be here for you. There are the guys
that think 'she'll be right'....and then there are the smart one's like
you DK...that have the guts to reach out...You are not alone here
DK......It would be great if you could post back as many times as you
wish..on any matter..My kind thoughts for you

Paul

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Dave

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to write in here and talk about yourself, congratulations.

Losing your temper feels bad both when it happens and afterwards when you have calmed down. I understand how frustrating it can be as every time we vow it will not happen again. And then we are in the middle of an argument in the blink of an eye.

Can you think about why you get angry? I don't mean in the heat of the moment but why you get so frustrated and angry so quickly. You don't need to answer this here, just think about why you feel this way. Have you always felt angry and let fly in different situations?

I suggest your first port of call is to your GP. It's a good place to explain what is happening in your life and find help. People are not born angry but they do learn these habits as they grow up. Sometimes our life circumstances appear unfair and yelling is the only way you have to vent your frustration. I'm not a mental health expert and making too many guesses is not a good thing to do. This is why I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor.

I agree with you that revisiting the arguments between you and your wife will only keep hurting you both. Instead, have you tried to look at life through your wife's eyes? You say she doesn't appreciate you and she says you don't help enough. What are your expectations from her? My husband expected me to keep the house clean, cook all the meals and look after the children which may sound OK. I was also working in a full time job and found it difficult to keep with all those tasks, go to work and not be tired.

Instead of me being on the receiving end of sarcasm and put downs I wanted him to share in the house chores and act in partnership with me. Instead he wanted to come home from work and find a sparkling clean home, dinner being cooked and a wife that was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Not realistic.

So, apart from going to work and earning enough to keep your family comfortable, what do you do in this partnership. Again, no need to answer here, just think about it. Your wife has a job so her time in the home is limited and you have two young children to care for.

Please understand I am not knocking your efforts to care for your family nor am I saying you are a bad person because you lose your temper. I applaud you for wanting to get your temper under control. It won't be a quick fix. Be prepared for work. Please write in again.

Mary

DaveKay
Community Member

Hi Paul, thanks for your quick and open reply.

i haven't seen a GP for years, but will make an appointment with the kids GP. He's a good guy and takes this sort of stuff on.

i can't help but feel so angry and unjust with all this. I've worked so hard to provide for the family. Long hours, time away from the kids, no hobbies, no sport. Just work and family. And I'm getting turfed because I have a few (really) sharp edges. How the hell are we supposed to be everything at once?

ill keep you posted with the GP. I have 40 years of demons to exorcise which I've left long enough..

thanks mate, Dave

Hi Mary, thanks for replying. Your questions are all great and I trt to analyse the same things.

getting angry - that's the unanswerable question. It goes a long way back and work and family probably contribute to the overwhelming burden. I really need to tackle this.

i have no expectations for y wife. I encourage her with her career. We've relocated interstate for it. We're both busy, so we've got a cleaner. And now a nanny (we don't want our 18m in daycare due to her health). I couldn't help with the packing house, so we flew her mum up to help. I tidy the house when I get home, do the shopping, finances, book the holidays. I go to bed early so I am get up early with the kids. I don't expect anything from her, though I'll be first to admit i probably have subconscious expectations through what I don't do. She works her butt off, but the only expectation I have is that she recognises I work mine off too.

but all this is peripheral. None of this would be an issue without my temper and swearing. The expectation-appreciation-temper-swearing is just a vicious cycle and it needs to stop with me.. as per my above reply, I know I've got a bundle of my own issues that need to be sorted.

Mary, thanks for taking the time to respond. Writing this down helps be with my thoughts. I'm calling the GP today, hopefully I can start tomrotrow.

Hi Dave,

In our relationship it is me who yells and screams at my husband and swears like a trooper when I am feeling this way. My angry outbursts are terrible.

Dealing with anger, frustration and what ever else it is that is simmering away can be difficult. Not a lot of people seem to have answers for how to cope with and understand anger.

My anger stems from childhood, I never learnt how to deal with those negative emotions that have created a volcano waiting to explode.

Thankfully my GP was able to help me. One of the things he did was to review the medication I was taking for depression. I had not realised how much it revved me up. When he changed me to a different tablet I calmed down again.

Now I am able to understand the anger and can control it better. I have been to see a psychiatrist, psychologist and a mental health nurse.

My anger can stem from feeling like I am not being listened to, like I have no control of a situation, fear may be a part of it as well, feeling confused and alone.

It may take a while to get in to see someone for help. In the mean time you can help yourself.

Write down everything that makes you feel angry. You don't have to read it after you have written it, just getting it out will help.

Consider ways you could stop the anger from building up: take some deep breaths, walk away from the situation, do something physical to release the anger that way.

Find ways to make your life more satisfying without your wife being involved. I don't mean to ignore her altogether, just find things you look forward to doing outside of the home if time permits. Even if it is just once a month.

I realised years ago my husband can not give me everything I need in a relationship/in life. Same goes for him too no doubt. He has his mates he goes out with and I have girlfriends I catch up with.

I've rambled on for quite a while! Maybe you could Google how to deal with anger issues while you are waiting for appointments with counsellors.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

DaveKay
Community Member

Thank you to everyone for replying - it has been a relief that I am heading down a path that others have gone before. It's been comforting to hear your stories - thanks for being open with your own journeys.

I've made an appointment to see the GP early next week, so really looking forward to finally sorting this out.

There will be a lot to tackle - I'll keep you posted...

Cheers, DK

Hi Dave

Thanks for posting back...I love the '40 years of demons to exorcise'...I am 56 and am happy that my GP has 'the care factor' where my depression is concerned. I still see him regularly and my psychologist when I can too as I still have years of demons that I have to exorcise as well 🙂

I have been on here since January Dave after being made redundant. Even if you just want to have a chat, you are more than welcome to do so. Your post reminded me of my background

Cheers

Paul

Hi DK,

All the best with the Drs. appointment.

Like Paul mentioned, if you want to have a chat about anything, people are hear to read and to respond.

It is comforting to know that others have been through similar muck and have managed to come out the other side of it.

All the best to you, from Mrs. Dools

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi DK, this is a good comment to post because I'm sure it goes on quite frequently in relationships and marriages and seem as though I'm intruding, but I can only relate to this as my wife (ex) would fly off the handle when she didn't get her way, or would give me the silent treatment for a day or so, but to me it seems as though you're both at logger heads as to who is the boss, if one needs to be, but when your wife doesn't listen to you or vice-versa then the arguments begin, because you both want to make your point trying to be sure that it is known.
However there is a problem here because as soon you start to yell then her ears are shut and she will not hear anything, and the same applies with her, so the situation will never be resolved.
There are always going to be problems connecting with your wife and settling on an agreement when you start yelling at her, and not everything is going to be accepted, but you both have to accept that you both work long hours, and it's difficult for 2 parents to agree on this because one feels as though they work harder than the other one, this will happen in a long term marriage and it's called 'the pecking order'.
This goes through in work environments, between siblings and else where, but as soon as it begins in a marriage, then it's over as one of you decides to give up and wants to be on their own, that's the danger that could happen. Geoff.