I've hated my mother for as long as I can remember. Please help.

[Leslee]

My parents split when I was a kid. My younger sibling and I ended up with our mother. We don't see our father anymore, probably because of our mother. She is Negative, Stubborn and a wannabe Authoritarian (I say wannabe because my sibling and I are now both adults so though our mother may still try to control our personal preferences, she rarely succeeds, but it remains annoying nonetheless). I moved out from home not long after I turned 18 and could support myself. I used to visit once a week/fortnight but I haven't been back in months after the last visit. We had an argument over the amount of food she gave me. This may sound trivial but I've asked her literally thousands of times, in a serious tone, not to force so much food into my bowl (this has been ongoing at least since I moved out over 10 years ago). It upsets me because it demonstrates how stubborn she is and how controlling she wants to be, even though I am a perfectly healthy weight for my height. When we were young, she used to hit my sister when she didn't finish her meals. My sister got fat and she then had to buy her a bicycle.

I did some online research which recommended counseling so I went and saw my GP who referred me to a psychologist. Explaining the situation to him actually made me feel worse as it seemed to justify my reasons for hating my mother (telling my friends I was never home when I was, going through my mail, and just the way she raised me in general). I ran out of things to talk about after a few sessions so I stopped seeing him.

I appreciate my mother may have had a tough life but I don't think it's right to take one's pain out on others, let alone your own children. While it wouldn't be the end of the world if I never saw her again, I know that all this hatred will probably turn into guilt once she passes away because as stubborn as she is, she probably means well sometimes.

[Croix]

Dear Leslee~

Welcome here to the forum, where many people have had problems with parents who over-control and have little give in them. I guess as we get older our regard for them changes, as a very young person one might regard their behavior as normal, after all there is little to judge against.

Then one starts to see how their behaviors hurts, invades or restricts, and one has a different view. As an adult living away maybe the freshest memories will be of the faults. If this is reinforced on visits then there may well be an urge to sever contact -and sometimes that's good.

I went though these stages as I had very fixed-view parents and was eventually disinherited, so have some inkling of how you feel.

Things have changed since you became independent, you now have the option of not visiting - or leaving food on your plate if you do. You mentioned two other people in your post, your younger sister and your father. May I ask how you get on with your sister, does she still live with your mum, and is she of the same mind as you?

Do you have any plans on visiting your father now that you are no longer under your mother's influence?

I can quite understand your feeling bad when you told of all the things that were wrong to the psychologist. It is very easy to feel guilty about not having sympathy and understanding for a parent, however it is after all her responsibility for how you feel.

Things can perhaps change and you may end up seeing her simply as a single parent, even if with faults. I think perhaps that may have started already, after all you did say "she probably means well sometimes.".

I do know one thing about my own upbringing, it has served as a template of what not to do when bringing up one's own children.

Croix