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I think my partners too controlling?

Community Member

Hi First of I've never done something like this before so please bear with me

I have been with my partner currently for 5-6 years. But I have known him for much longer. We met at work in teen years he was new and we just clicked talked most nights messaged each other constantly and then we didnt. Years later we reconnected after he moved away and came back and been in a relationship essentially ever since.

Now I do love my partner dearly. we have 2 young children. But I feel lately he has become way more selfish and everytime I try to bring something up he shoots me down and turns everything into my fault. Eg hell clean one room of the house once a month and if I don't give praise straightaway he gets very annoyed and says that I don't appreciate his help. He doesn't praise me when I do more or less. It's true I don't clean every single day but I do most days but I'm exhausted.

He works during the night and even on his days off doesn't change his sleeping pattern demands his 8 hours sleep so is asleep most of the day and is missing his kids grow up. I do everything I feel. I have to organise the house, the clothes, the kids because I also work but during the day and lifts for my partner because he doesn't drive. He won't organise his own lifts because he won't go to work. And it's so hard. Everytime I try to bring up something he claims i grew up in mess and he doesnt need to learn but I do and doesn't help. Or brings up I just need to exercise more for more energy

To this day I haven't had a full over 7 hour sleep since well before my youngest was born. However I cannot go to bed any earlier because he doesn't get out of bed until he has to leave for work but doesn't set an alarm I have to wake and dress him. And have a coffee ready and not speak alot or he'll be angry. He has gone so far to say I can't have the washer on when he is in bed co it'll wake him and he'll explode. Or our kids too loud. One time our eldest and i were playing they were laughing I was laughing it was normal volume. It woke him up sent them to bed in angry tones and proceeded to scream at me and minorly pushed and grabbed me degraded me. While our child was crying in bed. This happened while I was pregnant with our youngest

before I returned to work he changed our youngest nappy countable on one hand times and I was off for months. I just want him to help and do more. Sometimes I weep about it because I'm so exhausted. But I just feel I don't have a voice but I love him so much.

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

HI, welcome

I get you on this, your side of it all but in this case I also know the other side, so please bare with me and let’s talk.

Shift work- I did it for many years. You never feel awake, likely the worst period of my life. He won’t revert to sleeping at night as he has to sleep in daytime a few days later- terrible, poor guy, I recall the same.

Noise outside the bedroom magnifies to a person catching up on sleep. Yet children have to play, people have to talk.

Anger is all to do with sleep deficiency.

So I can confidently say the best thing you can do for your family is convince him to get a daytime job. Then give him 6 months to recover and watch the difference.


I appreciate your response and i think you are right him getting a daytime job probably will help. this will be in struggle in itself because he i feel doesn't do anything himself. i got him his current job because i could no longer pay for everything myself. and i got him the job he had before which he stopped getting rostered because of a minor injury couldn't walk (wasn't at work) fora week got a doctor certificate to clear him handed it in called in a few days what his shifts were had none and never made contact with them again although i told him to there in there so many times. it took me months of applying for jobs on his behalf to get it he is like if want me to work you find a job essentially. we actually work at the same place. I am also a shift worker but i 95% work day shift starting early morning. but what annoys me the most i think is when i was in his position working through the night i would always make sure i was at least awake to say goodnight to at the time one child we had. he also has promised so many times previously to get a licence but really has no will to get it and refuses to organise his own lifts to and from work. so when i cant find anyone i have to wake the kids up to drive him. but most of the time its his family members that drive him and he just wont talk to them. i also drive him home every single morning he works except when i have to work myself in that case i have to wake earlier to drop our children off. and on his days off i ask him please don't wake me till 730-8 in the morning and watch the kids so i can have one day with a sleep in. wakes me up at 6-630 early single time without fail. and because he wakes up at 9 as soon as he wakes im so tired, most of time i have worked all day picked up the kids, do dinner put them to bed. both my kids are under 3. and he wont even see them for the day if its on his days on.

on another note he even now minorly helps with rent and bills has an okay amount in savings and im still in so much financial difficulties catching up from the years of paying for everything i couldnt pay my own debt and refuses to help coz its my debt before we were together. i only asked him to pay rent every second week so i could keep my payments. but ill try to find another job for him its the only way its going to happen and hopefully things will improve

Ok, it seems to me you would benefit from relationship counseling, the issues are too many and too complex to sort out.

Someone that is lazy or inconsiderate rarely changes without a jolt.

See your doctor for a referral. Better sooner than later.


Hi P

Your husband sounds depressed and angry. What is going on for him. Why has he never got a drivers license? He seems totally disconnected. He has really young children and no connection. That can’t be good for your kids.
It sounds like you are walking on egg shells. You keep adapting to try and fix things but it’s not working because his demands just get bigger and you are doing more and more. This is a type of abusive.
I agree with Tony that night work is not conducive to your situation. You are basically functioning as a single parent.
I think it would be helpful if you went and saw someone, your work may have an employee assistance program, just to talk through things.

You sound exhausted. Hope you can get this sorted for the sake of you and your children.