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I think I want out....

Madmax89
Community Member

Hi All.

I am 29, I have been with my wife since we were both 18, Married for 5 Years With 2 Beautiful Children 5 & 2 Years Old.

About a month ago I told my wife I was unsure weather I still love her and don't know if I can continue with our relationship.

This has come after preddy well 3 years of my life i would rather forget (excluding my kids), Including a Nervous breakdown in 2015, Which i have never been the same after, nearly losing my brother in a motorbike accident, My son being in and out of hospital with sickness, the tragic loss of a mate in a workplace accident, in and out of court to attempt to retrieve money from builders that went bust on us (lost $250k in 3 years), on top of still running my own business (no help from my wife) still supporting my family, employees etc...

The weird thing is.... Im not in a state of depression (i feel), I have been on a health kick for the last 18 months, Lost 54KG, Goto the gym 5-6 times a week, I eat healthy and I am active and feel great.

I think I want out of our relationship, But i just cant seem to be able to break her heart. I dont want to be the bad guy. I want her to be happy. I feel that she deserves more than me. I just dont want to be here anymore, But i cant simply say that to her? I cant just say

"I dont want to do this anymore" But i feel it doesnt matter what reason or excuse I come up with its just pathetic.

I have become seriously disconnected from my wife and family and just want to be left alone, will find anything to do other than spend time with her.. 😞 She is trying so hard to find time for us to "reconnect" but it just doesnt seem to interest me, I just cant be bothered... I can get any spark back... Its like I have already given into the idea of breaking her heart so I am just going into a state of limp mode, (cant go forward, cant go back) Like i am waiting for the idea of "disconnection/separation" to just manifest into something greater and let it do the hard work for me....

I honestly feel my family would be better off without me around...

Im a Rat in a cage and want to be set free.... 😞

5 Replies 5

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Madmax89 and welcome to the forums,

I suppose I'd better start by saying I suspect my answer will be unwelcome but needs to be said.

You said you have had a rough 3 years (and yes for sure you have given all the difficulties and grief thrown at you). But you also said your wife is trying to reconnect. Are you?

Health kick and weight loss and feeling ready to leave and try something new. Are you not attracted to your wife anymore? It kind of sounds like you're already looking elsewhere.

That's fine I suppose. But you do have 2 small kids to think of. Perhaps before you make up your mind would you consider marriage counselling? You've been married a long time from a young age and people do grow and change. But your wife has also stuck by you through the downs you mentioned. Is there truly no hope of getting the spark back between you?

If you were honest to yourself what is it that makes you want freedom so badly? I have kids around your age and it sucks. You have to work hard at your marriage because between all the demands of kids it is easy to forget to make time for yourselves as a couple, for intimacy and self care. But it is possible.

Leaving is a massive step when kids are involved. Have you thought through your needs clearly? If you left and went out to be free and do as you please what would happen if you changed your mind? After walking away from your family would your wife consider reconciling? It doesn't usually happen from what I've seen.

No judgement here ok. Just think it is worth visiting your psychologist and talk through the feelings. And to consider couples therapy. After such a long time isn't it worth fighting for your marriage?

Nat

HSM
Community Member

Hi Madmax89,

Sorry to hear you have had such a rough time. Life can really test you.

I always like pro and con lists. You have made a long list of all the negatives, but it would help to weigh them up against all the positives of staying. Like being there for your kids when they need you, and seeing them grow. And all the hard times you've been through, running away won't make them go away. Hard times are better with someone by your side.

Maybe you have fallen out of love with your wife, but that doesn't mean you can't get it back. All the joy has been sucked out of you both as life has been hard. But with help, you could find happiness.

I wish you luck with your decision.

hsm.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Madmax89

Wow, you've been through a lot in the way of reformation. When challenges reform us in a variety of ways, to go onto further reform our self, like with what you've done health-wise, is just massive. This leads me to ask the question 'Do you feel your wife has not changed to a great degree, outside of becoming a mother?' Yes, becoming a mum does require enormous change but we can still basically remain the same person to a degree.

My 2nd question, 'Have you fallen out of love because there is no sense of evolution, excitement or adventure in your relationship?' As parents, there are plenty of things to look forward to as you would acknowledge but as partners, our relationships must remain a positive work in progress in order to feel exciting. As an example, I mentioned to my husband not too long ago that I feel our relationship has to change, as it was not enough for me. We've been married 16 or so years (with 2 kids) and the relationship had become mindnumbingly boring. His idea of spending quality time together involved sitting in front of the TV and sleeping in the same bed. He said he looked forward to us growing old together. My take on it: We spend moments of semi-consciousness together before we grow old and die. Yes, harsh but true none-the-less (from my point of view). There was just no sense of evolution, excitement or adventure. Our brains thrive on this sort of stuff. The relationship remains a work in progress.

I'm not going to go into all that stuff about mothers feeling run down and being more committed to their young kids than their husbands (yes, I remember how it works) because that doesn't help you. 11 years is a long time, especially given how young you were when you both got together - this is definitely enough time to gradually grow apart. Perhaps counseling is the way to go, for 2 reasons: 1) To see if there's a way to reform the relationship and/or 2) To be carefully counseled through the process of separation. Counseling makes either prospect a guided process. Instead of waiting for something to happen, I believe counseling might just hold the key for you, in regard to this cage you're in. Can't hurt. If you do decide to separate, counseling may also be able to help you guide your kids through such a life changing process.

Take care of yourself Madmax89 and remember it doesn't matter how old we are, when we're faced with a new challenge positive guidance can make all the difference.

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Max

It would have taken an incredible amount of strength to post what you have and good on you for doing so

You wont be judged on the forums in any way. You are only human if...you have lost the spark in your relationship which is common and understandable Max.

You sound really tired and drained especially after what you have been through with the behavior of your builders where your business is concerned.

Its your call of course Max..and I have read your post thoroughly about you being mega fit and eating well and good on you for being so proactive with your health (thumbs up!)

Its only my humble opinion Max if thats okay....I would be making a double appointment with my GP or Counselor to ensure that I was making the right call.....even for your kids....

Its just a thought...you (and your beautiful children) have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so. At least you can look back and sleep well knowing you have done everything you could have prior to separation

I understand you about having a nervous breakdown...I have been involved as a tech rep to shopfitters for 35 years and have had the same....the anxiety.....the shocking sleep....family court....Its a dark place to be in

What do you think about a double appointment with your GP just to have a good talk?

Either way we are here for you Max...There is no judgement....just the best support we can provide 🙂

Good to meet you and thanks for being a part of the Beyond Blue forums too

my kind thoughts

Paul

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Madmax, it's good to get a reply back from Nat as well as another first poster HSM, that's what's so good about this site many people read the comments and eventually decide to come onto the site.

There has been so much that has adversely happened to you after having a breakdown 3 years ago, so all of this has had a devastating effect on you, and although you don't feel as though you are depressed, I feel slightly different, however, I'm in no way saying how you feel about your relationship.

A person who is depressed can still go to the gym, lose weight, eat well to feel 'better', and that's what we suggest to help other people get out of depression.

Your wife is someone who you have loved and had 2 beautiful children together, but now all you want is to be alone, this doesn't necessarily mean that your lost your love, and I say this because I was no different, I wanted to be left alone, it wasn't as if I begrudged my wife, I felt disconnected not only to her but to everyone else.

 Is it possible for you to do 2 things, that's only if you want to, first google K-10 test which asks you how you are feeling, so you give it a score, if you do this then can you please do it a few times, not straight after the after.

If the score is high then please book an appointment with your doctor, I'm only suggesting this because your situation concerns us.

You aren't alone here and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.