I think I have finally realised Im being manipulated

Willow18

Last week I told my partner that my daughter and I want to join the gym. It ended up starting WW3.

He said he doesnt want men looking at me. I told him our daughter will be there and in January our 13 year old will be able to come. He told me to stop using the kids as an excuse and basically feels I will run off with a muscle man. He says I should care how he feels and I said he should be more supportive.

Then he broke down and told me has has never felt loved by me and I have a wall up and he thinks it stems from my past trauma. This may be true to an extent but the fact is he is controlling and I have been controlled most of my life and thats why I am the way I am with him.

When he talked to me about it he does have some valid points but at the end of the day he has been the jealous type since the start of our relationship.

Am I being manipulated?

Willow18

I also forgot to mention, he told me he thinks about me 24/7 and he works 14hr days for me. And then went on to say that I can just go about my day without thinking about him. I call bs with blaming me for him working 14 hr days. We are in debt up to our eyeballs and he has basically has to. I work full time aswell but we dont have overtime.

sbella02

Willow18,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this tough position.

Firstly, I would encourage you to look into the signs of emotional manipulation. This is not to say for certain that you are being manipulated, but if you feel that you are, it may be worth looking into. I would also argue that listening to your body is extremely telling - if you're feeling anxious around your partner, like you're walking on eggshells, or you feel the need to put up walls, this may be a sign that they're not treating you in a way that makes you feel emotionally safe and comfortable.

Regardless of whether or not he is being manipulative - or if he is, regardless if this is on purpose or not - that extreme jealousy seems misplaced here. It's also not right of him to blame you and your past trauma for his behaviour, nor for him to assume that you do not think about him to the same degree that he thinks about you. It sounds like he may have a narrative about you in his head that you're not as invested as he is or that you're going to leave him, and he seems to be finding things that fit in with this narrative.

Have you tried speaking with him about how this behaviour affects you, assuming this isn't the first time this has happened?

Just try to keep in mind here what's most important to you in a partner, and also what behaviour you are willing to accept from somebody before you re-evaluate their place in your life. It may also be helpful to consider, if separating from them is not feasible, what boundaries you may need to put in place to protect your peace but also assert yourself where necessary.

I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best navigating this difficult situation. We're here to chat if you have more to talk through.

All the best, SB

therising

Hi Willow18

As sbella02 mentions, it can be so important to gain a sense of what our body's trying to tell us. Emotion can be so telling. Going even deeper, gaining a sense of what lies beneath a particular emotion or set of emotions can be even more telling.

One of the most challenging aspects of a relationship with our partner would definitely have to involve conflicting emotions. So, while you feel perhaps a sense of excitement, evolution, positive vision etc with joining the gym, your partner's feeling perhaps a sense of insecurity, fear, upset and maybe feeling the need to control the situation so that he doesn't have to feel these challenging emotions within himself. You could ask 'Is he a self righteous closed minded controlling dictator (dictating what I can and cannot do) or is he a fearful partner with seriously questionable self esteem?'. It's one thing if he wants to do a deep dive with you into questioning his and your feelings and quite another if he wants to just ignore them while trying to manage you not doing things that make him uncomfortable. It sounds like he's interested in exploring, based on the fact he opened up a conversation about how he's feeling. 'Where to go from there?' is the question (how to expand on the conversation).

I'm a gal who's a big believer that facets of ourself gradually come to life at different times under different circumstances. Whether there's a passionate fitness fanatic in us champing at the bit to come to life (encouraging us to join a gym), the mother in us that comes to life when our first child is born or there's some other aspect calling for our attention, I can fully relate to a facet of me that is not overly popular at times 😁. It's the intolerant part of me. It's the part of me that gets the people pleaser in me to take a back seat, depending on the situation. It can be an incredibly upstanding part of us and can sometimes be born out of having tolerated so much over time. It's the part of us that at some point may scream 'ENOUGH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LETTING PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU!!!'. While it's definitely a liberating facet, I've found there are times where it can cause problems. While I've been married to the same guy for 23 years, there are times when that part of me kinda dictates to me 'Nup, there's no way you're going through this cr** again. Don't even listen to him'. So, it can actually encourage a closed mind, where no anxiety inducing or depressing stuff can get in. A closed mind can be good at times yet not so good at other times. Knowing when to open and close it becomes the challenge. For example, when someone says 'I work 14 hour days for you', BAMM, it can shut and understandably so. Personally, I would feel that as 'I'm in a prison of work because of you, carrying out a sentence'. If that same person was to say 'I work 14 hour days for us', it can paint a different picture that the mind opens to. If I'm also working outside and inside of the home, there's a sense of 'We're in this together', which generates a whole different set of feelings, including a feeling or sense of partnership and closeness.

Btw, when you mention your partner saying he thinks about you 24/7, I couldn't help but smile as this sounds like something my husband says. From my own experience, practicing becoming emotionally switched off at times (as a form of self preservation) definitely tends to develop the 'matter of fact' part of us. The more exercised it is, the more it resembles a super buff gym goer. The 'matter of fact' part of us can lead us to appear unemotional and cold at times. My response to the 24/7 focus factor is 'If you were 100% focused on your job, you wouldn't have time to think about me'. That's a fact. Yes, cold. Being an intensely feeling person, I've had to learn to master the emotional on/off switch and the volume dial, when it comes to how much I feel. I'm still learning such self mastery, with plenty more lessons/challenges to come. While such self mastery challenges us, it can also challenge the people around us too.

Clara1

Hi Willow,

It sounds like your partner is genuine but there seem to be some real problems like debt. Maybe financial counselling will help you? It can be hard for someone to focus on emotional problems when their mind is focused on money problems. It sounds like your past trauma may be causing you to be emotionally unavailable to your current partner. Hope this helps.